Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

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Sexy mom Sexy mom
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Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

Well, Christmas has now come and gone...but my husband is still exactly the same. I was not expecting a change in his weight-though after all the talks both with me and with friends who are alarmed (one of his work colleagues, after trying to explain/encourage/shame him, finally patted me on the arm and looked at him sadly saying" Well, she'll be a beautiful widow, she won't be alone for long if she doesn't want to be..."), and with our son trying to get him to react, it would have been welcome-, but his attitude is just not budging an inch.

He says he's not interested in sex, that it's not me, that it's him...and then he goes and says that he doesn't know why he feels that way. I told him as nicely as possible that I could think of two reasons: weight and sleep apnea. He grudgingly agreed with me and changed the subject... He barely sleeps in our bed-average of ten-15 minutes, including sex,if any- and his behavior is changing...

He's being extra nice, because I think he senses that I'm close to breaking and if he continually grunts at me for no good reason, I might make a run for it... My husband is hijacked by 50 extra kilos of fat. That's just exactly how I feel about it. And after 22 years of making excuses and glossing it over, I don't know how much more I can actually take. Because it's not just me...we have two sons and I also have my elderly mom to care for, and it would not be positive for the family to have me sick with worry, grief, anger or any other crippling, paralyzing emotions.

As for my internet friend, the Kid as Mme.X rightly called him-being so much younger-, he's on the same page as I am. He's supportive, caring and plain makes me feel like a Woman. He also says that he wants my family to stay intact-exact words. It's been over a year now. I wonder...I wrote it off as just my hormones acting up... but I just don't know any more, because we've never met or plan on meeting. I couldn't live with it, for sure. Or better...if it's half as good as I imagine, I couldn't live without it. I wish it would fade, but the more we try to cool it, talk less...the more attracted we feel. I never believed in soul mates. Now...I can't say.

I've gone to counseling on my own, as he never agreed when I proposed it over the years. I've spoken to him with my heart in my hand. I do all I can to keep us all healthy, and I'm doing a great job...with the exception of him. My mom is 87 and she's got better cholesterol levels than him!

I stubbornly feel, in spite of what my therapist and a lot more people have told me, that there HAS to be something more I can do. And I relate to what so many people on this site have said: I feel like the bad guy for wanting what my husband isn't willing to give, or what he can't give.

I live in fear of my own reaction to any serious-not that sleep apnea isn't serious. It causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol and low sex drive-consequences in his health. I don't know, but I fear turning into a nagging, hysterical parody of a wife. It's not at all what I want. Before that, I think I'd quit and leave...the marriage, mind you. Because he's an only child, so the family he has with me is the family he has, period. "Leaving" is unthinkable for me right now.

People say choose a partner with your head... I did and I think I chose wrong, not as father to my sons, but as husband to me. As someone strong enough to hold his own. We all need support, but I cannot do everything. It takes two. I chose a mate thinking of being taken for an adult-which my parents never did anyway, so..-and thinking that by marrying my best friend I could bypass heartache...WRONG!! I thought that if attraction and connection were important, connection would be better if I had to choose because it would last longer. Yes it did. But not without effort. My effort. I know he has done his share in ways but definitely not in others. I don't mind putting more effort, but not always...and if I ever get called "understanding" again, I'll scream. That's been used against me more times than I can remember.
-You're so understanding! Not many women like you...
Well, I'm through being understanding and feeling guilty for other people's weaknesses. I have my own weaknesses and I try to deal with them as best I can. I expect the same from a partner.

Totally bugged and desperate today....he's been home for a week and won't be going till Sunday. Seeing him huff his way around hurts and I am starting to cringe when I see him undressed.

In spite of it all, Happy New Year to all of you and thanks for all the advice and different points of view. They are always welcome. Hugs!
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

wow this is crazy that i found this blog,i have just found out my wife has been having an affair 8 weeks ago after 18 yrs of being together.it went on for a yr and a half ,her reason you ask ,it was because she had lost feelings and attraction for me because i have gained so much weight(80 lbs) or so.i was blown away ,angry ,mad in shock,she had told me for years that the weight  bothered her, i didn't take it serious i just tried to treat her better,back rubs, foot rubs doing things for her but in the end it didn't matter how well i treated her she said she missed having sex with someone she was physically attracted to and that hurts because i could have avoided this pain if i would have kept up my part by not being overweight.so many thoughts are running through my head guess i need to vent.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by Sexy mom
My husband is enjoying the complications of out of control diabetes.   He has had blood sugar problems for a couple of years, (and possibly longer, since he was lax about Dr visits) -- but his first post-50 checkup revealed T2D, and since then, weight has gone up, and down, but lately --- just up.  

I think he will die before I will.   At least his ankle wound is healing, though it will be an ugly scar.   He is subdued, and a bit pitiful.  He has trouble walking, is out of breath, and doesn't sleep well, either, so he also probably has sleep apnea --  I have said this before:  the fat is the victor, it weakens a person, and if you are married to that person -- well, you become fat's victim, too.    

I wish I had words of wisdom.      Marriage is hard enough, but it is impossible when someone is not living up to their best selves.   I could have an affair, myself, and it is on the table --- I so long for sparkling romance, sweet moments of communion, or at least -- just hot times -- but fat has taken all that from me.   His fat.   But it need not.   Well, here's hoping for better things, 2014!
LIATS
Sexy Mom Sexy Mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by hurt
Dear Hurt,
I feel for your wife and I feel for you as well.

You have had shock-not that you couldn't have maybe guessed it. I would really like for you to think why if your wife had told you that the weight bothered her , why didn't you try to do something about it? Because it might provide you with insight and as I am going through this with my own husband, maybe a man's point of view, a man who is on the other side of the table, the overweight partner, maybe your reflection could help you and others as well.

I don't really think overweight people are selfish. I think mostly they're scared and don't think they're worth it, even though they have evidence that people are there for them and support them. And supporting someone who's obese is an ungrateful task. As I've said, in my case, he knows-and has acknowledged-that we, his sons and I, are there for him. But no amount of cheering him on has got us anywhere.

So I would really appreciate it if you would think this through and share it, if you feel it's worth it. It might be valuable insight. Because even if she didn't say it-which I don't know-your wife was not only unhappy about the sex...that's the tip of the proverbial iceberg. There's more there...communication, basically-lack of it. And she was also probably worried about your health and the negative effects it would have on your lives.

Again, I feel for you both. It's a painful situation. I'm not there...yet. But if my Kid was any closer...
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

      That's all i have done is think about it.about 2.5 yrs ago she came to bed and wanted to talk ,she said she was going to her mothers to stay because she wasn't happy,after a lot of talking she told me the reason for her unhappiness was that she wasn't attracted to me because of weight gain and that i also had quit dressing nice and that she also contributed to weight gain.she said she felt terrible for feeling that way.to be honest she had dropped hints way before leaving for her mothers i just didn't think it was that serious.after promising to "change" she came back,i told her to give me til the end of the yr to get back to my goal weight and then if she wasn't happy i would leave,the time frame came and went but nothing on my end had improved,she didn't say anything so i thought maybe she realized how well i treated her and that it was enough her her boy was i wrong.
                        Fact is i do feel guilty and that's why i haven't left the marriage  but im having a really hard time knowing what i know,i cant even look at her without feeling depressed.she says she loves me and wants to get back what we lost,she said the whole time during the affair that she hoped the feelings would return and that she didn't want to give up what she had at home but also liked being with someone she was attracted to
        I would really like a woman's input,do you think she is honest when she says that it wasn't love just sex,how do you separate the two,how do i forgive,i do love her and would do anything for her,anything but lose weight and that's what she wanted,it hurts knowing that no matter how good i was to her it didn't matter.
         To answer you're question i did get it to a point,i always worked-out i just didn't eat right,looking back i was depressed about myself,that's why i didn't dress better,i hide behind sweat pants and baggy shirts.but my eyes are open now,I'm down 25 lbs and going strong
             My advice if you care for him at all, do not cheat on him because it is devastating!!! sorry my thoughts are a little scattered,but it feels good to talk to someone about this, i look forward to the input from this blog
Sexy Mom Sexy Mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

I can't say whether she's honest or not. I would say she is because I relate to her telling you exactly what was going wrong and not getting an answer from you...been there. My husband is being extra nice and I tell him nearly every day in a very nice way that what I want is for him to take care of himself. He dresses ok and such, so that's not a problem. But still, he doesn't seem to get the essentials, that his family are concerned for his life.

 I don't know about your wife but I'll tell you that in my case worrying about his health, present and future is really the worst part because I'm scared that I'll be resentful if I have to take care of him, and it's also affecting our sons. And that is a big issue for me.

As LIATS well said, fat wins. It is depriving me of the man I married. The consequences are so severe that it even makes me question if I made the right choice to begin with. I never thought he would let go so much and I can't really know what the issues behind his excess weight are as he, in his own useless way, tries to not worry me and won't-or can't- say.
I am very confused and I feel ambivalent as to my marriage. I am not a quitter, but being understanding and supportive is getting to be  hard work because even though I am very clear, direct and nice-which he acknowledges-, I'm not getting anywhere in helping him.

It has to be a personal decision. There's just so much I can do.

I understand you feel hurt. I want you to understand how your wife may be feeling...Put yourself in her place for a moment. If she were fat and you told her the things she told you, and she didn't get it...was nice and all but she didn't really do much towards solving what you said was a problem for you...how would you feel?.

I'm not in any way saying cheating is right. It's not. But if she was clear about what she wanted and said that the weight was the problem, how can your being nice and helpful...all great things....solve what she said was a problem? If she said weight was a problem, being nice and attentive won't modify your weight. It is great, but if her issue was clear, then the logical thing is to address the specific issue.

It's great that you have lost that weight! Keep it up! But please...do it for you. And you decide whether you can forgive her and go back or not. If you decide to stay together, be generous. Don't lash back. It would be worse for both of you. If you honestly feel you can't forgive, give yourself time. Don't rush. And tell her that she shouldn't rush either. She probably is sorry and feels awful and confused.

Love yourself first...that's the best I can say.  At least you've accepted the real issue and started doing something towards your goal. Hugs to you.
Sexy Mom Sexy Mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by hurt
And about cheating...I have never until under a year ago felt the slightest temptation to cheat on my husband. And that was when I met The Kid online...on a site about books and we just connected...and the connection just got stronger, in spite of the age difference-17 years-and all the other differences...background, religion, continent. And we both agreed not to take it beyond a friendship, but the attraction is there, the chemistry. I don't take it seriously because I think that it's bound to fade and that it's just my hormones and loneliness. But it's been a year...we've tried not talking and it hasn't worked...But I don't feel anything for anyone "real"...thank God.
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by Sexy Mom
           Thanks for the input,i do know the problem at least what she says is the problem,i can tell that being depressed about being overweight is tricky,i knew i was overweight but didn't feel fat unless i had to dress up for something guess i was in denial about it.
           Is he depressed because i was but didn't show it,if you feel the way you say you do then tell him  and be direct.i wish my wife would have said to me that you are fat and i'm leaving you if it doesn't change but to be honest i think she gave enough hints i just wish she would have been blunt instead of worrying about my feeling,i respond to bluntness.
           i feel for her and you ,this is hard, i think she feels robbed of certain things,intimate feelings and its my own fault.i'm sure your husband feels this, he is probably lost and doesn't know where to start,it is overwhelming
          Be direct no hints, say how you feel. i let myself go for to long and neglected my wife's needs because i didn't understand how important it was to her and that's my fault.You seem like a good person but you need to be brutal sometimes to get through to men,don't know why but even when she said things in a kind way i just brushed them aside.
          What do you need from him,will him losing weight make it better,will him giving an effort make it better,what do you need to feel better about you're relationship.....Be direct with yourself and him.Tough love is better than no love!
sexy mom sexy mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

I have been blunt , not nasty but direct. Told him I missed not sleeping in the same bed... That I had nightmares about something happening to him and being left to raise our sons alone. I haven't given him an ultimatum because I haven't got the guts and it might backfire. But I have been direct I assure you. Thanks for your ideas.
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by Sexy Mom
       Her cheating is the hardest thing we have been through,mentally i understand why she said it happened but emotionally i cant wrap my mind around it.i yr and a half is a long time to be carry on with someone.the whole time she acted as if nothing was wrong but looking back i can see that there was a distance between us.i cant believe i was so blind about the affair and me being overweight and the effect it had on my wife.
      i wish i would have taken it serious(all the hints) now i worry if i can get past it,has to much happened? i don't know to be honest.being fat has cost me so much,can we get back from this ,could you get back to loving him if he lost weight
         
sexy mom sexy mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

Up till a few months ago I would have said yes. Now I don't know...It's been too many years of hoping and glossing it over, making excuses... I married my best friend but now I don't know if I did the right thing. I know he's scared and I know he does love me and his sons but he has to do something for himself regardless of me. I would stand by him anyway because I do care. If not I would have left years ago. But marriage is more than just friendship. To me at least. And the responsibility is on me to be there but he doesn't feel the need to change.
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by sexy mom
   Was he overweight when you met him or did he gain a lot  of weight after you got together.its weird how people view the same things i.e. weight for different points of view, my friend openly talks about his wife gaining weight and says he wouldn't be with her if she gained a lot but he is a very self centered person,i guess we are just human and want what we want.my wife wants me to be in shape and to try to look my best.
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by sexy mom
    You sound like my wife,she says we are best friends but that the attraction is missing because of the weight,when we meet i was 215 lbs in good shape(lifting weights, running) not perfect but in good shape, i think i just got comfortable and didn't  the need to try after i "had" her. she says i became a different person overtime again because of how the weight gain affected me(depressed me).
sexy mom sexy mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

Yes weight does affect personality. But in my case, I married him because I wanted to be considered grown up and it was the only way I could think of. He was and is my best friend. Great dad too. But the chemistry wasn't there from the beginning. Or maybe it was...thing is I can't seem to remember it clearly, its been over 20 years . I was so busy raising kids and working I never thought he would let himself go because he's not stupid, so I thought when he saw how badly it affected his health he would do something. He's happy that I've lost the weight I did, bur my example hasn't motivated him. It's like he's resigned to being fat and feeling bad though he knows were here for him. He's acknowledged it even. But still nothing. You keep at it, get in shape and then talk to your wife and see what happens.
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

      So what does he say when you talk to him about weight loss ,what is his excuse,is he addicted to food or soft drinks?
the thing is my wife was right there when we would go out to eat and a lot of times it was her idea so i do think she is some complicit in this but only to a point, it is up to me to control what i eat and drink but at times she didn't seem to mind it, i guess that sent mixed signals that she didn't care about my weight.she said she wanted me to do it for myself not for her but that line of thinking git us to where we are.That's why i say be blunt about what you want,are you afraid he will leave if you you give him an ultimatum
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by sexy mom
     My wife asked  me why i didn't lose weight .i told her because i didn't have any fear that she would leave or have an affair and that i thought it wasn't that important to her,based on my own messed up way of thinking.
      Maybe he needs to see a therapist or something ,my guess is he is depressed and might not know it or something else mentally is going on
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by loveinaturtleshell
     i never knew that this was as real as it is(spouses being this hurt over weight problems)maybe i was just blind to it.
 have you told him how you feel.
sexy mom sexy mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

It hurts because you know It's bad physically for him and the consequences could be devastating. For all of us. Yes I have told him everything. He refuses counseling - has for years. I went alone this past year to see if there was anything I could do. I've done it, still am. Yes, he was overweight when we met . Got worse when we had our first son. I think the responsibility overwhelmed him. But I was young too, only 3 months younger than him and I was scared too. It was all new for us both. Just he didn't take it as well.
sexy mom sexy mom
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

In reply to this post by hurt
It's not that he overdoes it too much but he certainly could eat less. I am afraid that the ultimatum will backfire and make him more wary. He says he knows he should take care but he doesnt. I'm more afraid of my own reaction in case my ultimatum backfires. I just don't know. It's incredibly weird that I should worry as much and he knows and it just scares him more.
hurt hurt
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Re: Almost Another Year Gone by, No Change in Sight...

       What are you going to do.do you have a plan.how do i get past the thought of her in bed with someone else,knowing i am partly to blame, not for the affair but for "leaving the door open"for it to happen. am i to blame?i asked her why she didn't leave,her answer was she didn't want to lose what she had at home but missed being attracted sexually to someone.
        i want to believe her its just hard after her deceiving me for so long.
             you said you had a internet friend do you feel guilty talking to him ,be careful things can get out of control fast or so i have been told
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