Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

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poolboy poolboy
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Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

Hey guys, I'm glad the site is still around.
We've had the talk, several times. I've gained 15 pounds over 2 decades and it drives me nuts. I hate it. My wife has gained 60 pounds and is only 5'4". She weighs more than I do and I am 6' tall. She has been going to the gym for 1 year. She talks about her treadmill, and the weights she has been doing. She has lost 0 pounds. She is still round, still has multiple stomach rolls, still wheezes and snores. She says the gym helps her feel better. I am glad she goes, but I think she goes more to chat with her (overweight) friends than to work off the pounds.
I know what your thinking: How could I not love a Jabba like that?
She has told me before that she won't go back to her previous lower weight, even though she knows how I feel. Sex was way down for a while until she began initiating. I was becoming ok with the idea. I am really grossed out by the blubber.
I'd leave, but we're tied to finances right now, 0 savings, 0 equity (0 hope?)
Waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

I'm way behind on what's been said over the last year or so.... Do you have kids? If not, why not looking into finding a male roommate?

I can't imagine it'd be easy by any stretch of the imagination, even without kids but, if I would very likely have been gone a long time ago if I didn't have kids.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
poolboy poolboy
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

Hi WuKong!
How've you been?
I was just looking at the posts. It's been a couple of years since I've posted. We used to chat over on the OLD site. Yeah, I've some kids. But they are getting older. I'm waiting on the equity situation and waiting for the boys to move on. I've no patience with her. If she gives me attitude, I just walk away from her, no matter where we are.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

Sounds like we are doing about the same. I'm glad, if not much else, you have ((re)gained) your self-respect. How have you been?

Call me a defeatist, I could hardly give a flying you-know-what. I have zero plans of doing this shiz again. I can't say for sure that my marriage is over once the kids are out of the house but, if so (and I'm not a total fool), this wolf is going to enjoy the solo life. I just don't (nor probably shouldn't) trust another to respect me and themselves enough not to take advantage of committed relationships. Even if it's not a problem with weight, it is something else. As small as treating their partner worse than strangers to as large as infidelity. In the end, I think it's just human nature. Since I can't (nor would I want the burden of doing so) control another, I'll just accept things for what they are and make a self-preserving decision on that knowledge.

I'd rather maintain relationships that the commitment is based off of treatment, not contract. And to remove some of the headache, stick to relationships that reproductive instincts don't mess things up. I don't want to reproduce again, so what, really, is the point? I don't want to be compelled to share my time and resources with someone that can get away with treating me however they want (example: treating me in ways that my male friends would never get away with). I'd rather spend those things on those that see the value of mutually benefiting. Loyalty for loyalty. Service for service. Protection for protection.

Sexually, though the drive hits me here and there, I think I've reached an age and understanding that I have it under control. For the times the urge hits, I can take care of it and don't have to worry about it, often for weeks.

I've just found that, if you remove sex from the equation, everything else I could benefit from is better with male friends. We understand each other, we respect each other, we can sympathize with each other, our motives are the same, we value each other the same, we see each other as people as opposed to a means to an end. For example, hypergamy doesn't affect a relationship between two (especially heterosexual) men. To be a guy's friend,  neither of us needs to be taller, smarter, funnier, richer, stronger, better looking, charismatic, etc. We just have to be respectful of each other.

TL;DR I've thought a lot about my relationship with my wife and possible relationships with other women, and (when/if the time ever comes) I think, overall, I'd be more content (if not happy) just sticking to platonic relationships with male friends.

/rant

I guess I had something to get off my chest...
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

Hi, WuKong, and thanks for venting.  (Suddenly the site has picked up...!)  We've never replied to each other's postings, in part because you dropped off the site about the time when I joined, and then I tapered off as you have rejoined.  

I feel funny replying to this thread as a woman - it's a very guy exchange - which is fine.  But am I correct in picking up on the fact that the obesity is only a symptom here of other ways in which your wife treats you badly and takes you for granted?

It does seem worth distinguishing between those spouses who are very heavy and otherwise supportive (sex aside), and those who are heavy and treat you like doodoo on their shoes.

The former (and on the whole, I think my husband is in that category) are difficult situations; in the latter, I wonder... why not divorce?  Why the charade?

I write this only after a long reply to "Mary" on another thread, which, in its own way, offers echoes...

And just so I don't sound like some armchair critic, I also do think I am guilty of not taking charge of my own life.  I think all the time about the charade question, although I also feel that there is something very real and good about the relationship--especially because we are really on the same beam with the kids, and because we have so much to talk about, always.  But I do fixate on the weight deflecting from other issues.  

On the other hand, I've been so crazy busy these days, so overwhelmed with work, illness, little sleep, stress, etc., that it just feels this whole issue has receded into some faraway land of indulgence that I might feel one day if I have enough time to take a breath...
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

Poolboy, forgive me for hijacking your thread and continuing to do so...

Hi, WuKong, and thanks for venting.  (Suddenly the site has picked up...!)  We've never replied to each other's postings, in part because you dropped off the site about the time when I joined, and then I tapered off as you have rejoined.  
I’ve reached a point where I’ve said most anything I care to say on the issue. Now and again, like recently, I may pop on here but, I don’t think it makes much of a difference. I think the activity of this site gives evidence to that. Despite the amount of work Tuesday has put in here, the issue just doesn’t seem to be catching steam from the non-fat spouses or society at large.

Though, after reading some posts today, I am pleased to see (what appears to be) a change in the tone and vernacular used by some of the more recent posters. I’d like to think that some of the earlier discussions on this site (or the very few like it) has helped give the words to use when discussing and/or debating this issue.

I feel funny replying to this thread as a woman - it's a very guy exchange - which is fine.  But am I correct in picking up on the fact that the obesity is only a symptom here of other ways in which your wife treats you badly and takes you for granted?
If you’ve read any of my earlier posts before I went quiet for so long, you may understand where my line of thinking went and where I stand.

To poorly sum it up, yes, there is more to the problems in my marriage but, the problem is not unique nor does it stem from my wife. Most, if not all of the problems from her end are created, enabled and encouraged by our society. Finding a new wife does not fix those problems. That’d be like exchanging a Ford Pinto for another.

If/when I feel up to it again, maybe I’ll elaborate on that here or another thread.

It does seem worth distinguishing between those spouses who are very heavy and otherwise supportive (sex aside), and those who are heavy and treat you like doodoo on their shoes.
I agree but, we also need to recognize that some of the causes/reasons may be the same.

The former (and on the whole, I think my husband is in that category) are difficult situations; in the latter, I wonder... why not divorce?  Why the charade?
That’s for the individual to decide after (hopefully first) weighing the pros and cons of doing so. Again, I talk about this in my earlier posts but, I’ll be vague again for now in saying that there’re things wrong in our society that has me (currently) see the divorce as the overall greater con.

I write this only after a long reply to "Mary" on another thread, which, in its own way, offers echoes...

And just so I don't sound like some armchair critic, I also do think I am guilty of not taking charge of my own life.  I think all the time about the charade question, although I also feel that there is something very real and good about the relationship--especially because we are really on the same beam with the kids, and because we have so much to talk about, always.  But I do fixate on the weight deflecting from other issues.  
Again…details…vagueness… I won’t say I’m not at all guilty of not taking charge of my life (not a DOUBLE but a TRIPLE negative in one sentence. How does he do it?), there’s way more to making such a lifetime affecting decision as divorce.

My wife is not a horrible person. Just a poor spouse. Well, so am I, so… Overall, I think I am not mentally meant for legally binding relationships. When I think of marriages that are held up as examples of “good marriages”, it just does not sound like a good deal to me; it’s still a net loss, overall – gain a few things, lose too many that are important to me.

On the other hand, I've been so crazy busy these days, so overwhelmed with work, illness, little sleep, stress, etc., that it just feels this whole issue has receded into some faraway land of indulgence that I might feel one day if I have enough time to take a breath...
Good luck on re-arranging your life so that it is not so taxing.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
poolboy poolboy
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

This post was updated on .
No problem here. Hijacking is welcome.
I feel the same as you, Monogamy is not so hot. It seems like a constant struggle over little crappy stuff that she has to win.Then there is the weight issue, the side effects (appearance, breath, low activity, etc) MArriage is not so hot. I do feel the same way about guy friends as well. I've not met some of my friends in literally decades, yet, if I saw them today, we'd pick up just like we had never lost any time. I've done it a few times already. Good times, no friggin stress.
I wouldn't repeat the marriage thing either, and if I had a time machine, I'd go back 20 years and move myself out of state.
I work with a lot of women, and have for a couple of decades, and , from my experience, most of them seem to have the interpersonal relationship skill of 12 year old girls. There is always a faction to join, or some petty bs going on. Drama, drama, drama.
Another reason to hang out with the guys.
I do need to disagree on the sex issue. Guys are wired for sex. It is actually bad for our health, especially the prostate, if wedeny it for long periods.
So, to the women that think it's just a horn-dog issue, too bad.
Nice triple negative btw...
Hey - off topic- I'm having a b***ch of a time with login, I have to reset my password everytime just to post-- Is it just me??
*Edit, I think I've found a way to describe what I feel about womens' relationships without pulling out the 'middle school' card... to me it seems like, when compared to most men, womens' interpersonal relationships are more insidious.... Is that a better or worse way to express that particular idea? All from my own observations, of course.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

The login issue may be something Tuesday will need to take care of but, I'll see if my permissions allow me to check anything on your account.

As far as sex, I was saying I can take care of it on my own not that I didn't need it. My hand doesn't talk back, doesn't expect to be romanced, is free, I don't need its approval (i.e. did I help enough around the house, did I make any chauvinistic comments, I'm I letter her get her way, etc.)  and sadly, I think my hand looks better than the majority of women out there. Okay okay, I'm exaggerating and half joking but, I really do have alternatives and technology seems to increase my freedom and peace of mind in that regard. Come oooooonnnnn virtual reality and AI! Haha.

In some ways, I am thankful to be getting older and my logic having a LOT more power over my libido. My libido fantasizes about the way he wish things were but, my logic knows what's real and what's best for me. He understands that, overall, freedom and peace of mind are more valuable than any temporary or fluctuating source of pleasure.

"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

In reply to this post by poolboy
Poolboy, I compared your account to another one that I haven't heard about problems from. I didn't see anything out of place. You're part of the Anyone and Registered users groups. It could be a browser problem but, if you're sure it's not, I'd suggest sending an email to Tuesday.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
poolboy poolboy
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Re: Brought the subject up. Like 2 years ago. Directly. Blunt.

"and sadly, I think my hand looks better than the majority of women out there"
Cute!
I switched browsers and was able to gain access without a problem, thanks for the advice.
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