Confrontation

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Ron Ron
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Confrontation

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poolboy poolboy
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Re: Confrontation

well, that's unexpected.
WuKong WuKong
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If only...

My mother-in-law would NEVER do such a thing. She'd be a HUGE (pun intended) hypocrite.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Ron Ron
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poolboy poolboy
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Any chance you can take the kids, move in with the MIL (call it an extended visit with Grandma), and let wifey fend for herself? It's not like she is improving by having you around. It seems like a lot of her behavior is just to try and tick you off, or to get a reaction from you.
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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Yeah my wife deliberately sings off key to upset me; PB, but she changes her tune when I threaten to leave.  I have asked her REPEATEDLY  not to make comments and/or happy noises when she eats in public.  Yet she does it anyway.  We recently sat with some friends of ours at a 50th wedding anniversary.  Throughout the meal, she let everyone know how much she was enjoying herself: 'Oh the lasagna is sooo good ... this chicken is deeelish ... mmmmmm I just love their mashed potatoes!' ... and so on.  Then another fat lady said to her, as she was wolfing down her 3rd plate of food, 'Better save room for dessert, Becky; I hear their chocolate cake is to die for.'  'Not to worry, Jan' she responded, 'there's a lot of room left down there.'  (The lady sitting across the table rolled her eyes, smirked, and said something to her husband that made him laugh.  I later overheard her remark to another woman 'Did you see the size of her belly.')  When she was done with her little feast, including 2 plates of cake and ice cream and a canoli for good measure, she had to announce that she was 'stuffed' and could 'hardly move.'  I was so disgusted that I insisted we leave soon after the dancing started.  (It hurts seeing other husbands and wives having a good time.)  I let her know of my displeasure as she sat in the car moaning and groaning about 'having to walk so far because I was too cheap to valet.'  'Maybe if you hadn't eaten so damn much you could have walked 30 yards like a normal human being,' I told her.   'Here comes another lecture about my eating,' she said; 'come on, let's hear all about how I embarrassed you again.'  Have you no sense of shame, woman?'  'Shame for what, because I enjoyed my meal?'  'Did you have to broadcast that fact to everyone at the table?  I've asked you a 100 times not to call attention to your piggishness.'  'You mean the fact that I enjoy a good meal?  Why do you care so much about what other people think, anyway?  It's my feelings you should be worried about.'  'What about my feelings, Becky you don't think that your boorishness reflects badly on me, your husband?  You think I enjoy hearing comments about the size of your stomach?'  'Are you talking about that skinny bitch sitting across the table from us?'  It doesn't matter who said it, Becky, the point is you need to start showing some restraint at these functions or I'm going to either leave you home or decline the invitations.'  Her response when we got home was to take off all of her clothes as soon as we stepped in the living room and throw them in a pile on the floor.  I picked them up and handed them to her but she flung them back down and proceeded to parade around naked.  I tried ignoring her but she followed me everyplace I went.  I finally went into my study and closed the door.  2 minutes later she opened it and stood in the hallway crooking her finger and dancing 'provocatively.'  At that point, I'd had enough and threatened to take the kids and spend the night at her mother's, just as you suggested.  Her whole demeanor then changed.  No longer Becky the Stripper, she ran into the room and got down on her knees pleading, 'No, no, no; don't ever do that to me.  She'll tell my sisters and they'll all laugh at me and say you don't want to be with me because I'm so fat.'  Go put some clothes on, Rebecca I said.  
poolboy poolboy
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yeah, but that's the good part,, you're not leaving, just visiting her mom, or Norway, or Canada.....  You get to hang on the ethical beliefs by not abandoning her, and everybody gets a much needed break.
Becky gets a timeout.
Look, she is not being your wife. That ended a long time and many, many, pounds ago. She's being a stubborn, indulgent 8 year-old girl. If you're going to hang around, then you need some alone time to hang with the not-crazy people (the dancing come-hither-naked girl thingy is weird) and you need to be the parent in this relationship. She needs a timeout, curfew, restrictions, & consequences.
You will be the bad-guy, the one which she can share on Facebook about how mean and cruel you've been by having a Twinkie bonfire, and funding neighborhood charities by selling off her mountain of stashed junk-food. Put a padlock on the fridge, hide the car keys and the phone. Leave her with a week's worth of healthy food, and take a
me-cation. Or-better and easier still-, send her to a health retreat, you can take there, drop her off, then pick her up ....sometime. You've got to stop this wheel you both are on, it's disturbing, and not healthy.

You know, if we take all the things you've posted on this site and place them into chapters, it's almost like the Twilight Zone.
" Here is the Story of Becky and Blue, by many standards a modern, successful family, but beware, as you've just opened the door to the Twilight Zone. (color fades to black and white, a moving panorama floats across the screen of Becky dancing nekkid, pleading on her knees, stuffing her jowls with chocolate pies and whipped cream from the can, as Rod Sterling voices over "There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears, and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call ... The Twilight Zone") fade to black, a commercial for some ez cleaning product comes on, I turn off the TV.....
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Confrontation

poolboy wrote
yeah, but that's the good part,, you're not leaving, just visiting her mom, or Norway, or Canada.....  You get to hang on the ethical beliefs by not abandoning her, and everybody gets a much needed break.
Becky gets a timeout.
Look, she is not being your wife. That ended a long time and many, many, pounds ago. She's being a stubborn, indulgent 8 year-old girl. If you're going to hang around, then you need some alone time to hang with the not-crazy people (the dancing come-hither-naked girl thingy is weird) and you need to be the parent in this relationship. She needs a timeout, curfew, restrictions, & consequences.
You will be the bad-guy, the one which she can share on Facebook about how mean and cruel you've been by having a Twinkie bonfire, and funding neighborhood charities by selling off her mountain of stashed junk-food. Put a padlock on the fridge, hide the car keys and the phone. Leave her with a week's worth of healthy food, and take a
me-cation. Or-better and easier still-, send her to a health retreat, you can take there, drop her off, then pick her up ....sometime. You've got to stop this wheel you both are on, it's disturbing, and not healthy.

You know, if we take all the things you've posted on this site and place them into chapters, it's almost like the Twilight Zone.
" Here is the Story of Becky and Blue, by many standards a modern, successful family, but beware, as you've just opened the door to the Twilight Zone. (color fades to black and white, a moving panorama floats across the screen of Becky dancing nekkid, pleading on her knees, stuffing her jowls with chocolate pies and whipped cream from the can, as Rod Sterling voices over "There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears, and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call ... The Twilight Zone") fade to black, a commercial for some ez cleaning product comes on, I turn off the TV.....
That was creative and very amusing!
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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No one should be surprised that our marriage would make for an episode of the TZ.  My wife weighs by her own admission over 500 lbs. (exactly how much she won't say)= that fact alone is bizarre enough and entails the rest of the strange tale.  Nor do I want anyone to think that I derive some sort of perverse pleasure from the poor woman's insecurity.  Quite the contrary, seeing her on her knees desperate for reassurance only arouses my sense of pity: a once proud woman reduced by her uncontrollable appetite for food to pleading for something she once commanded.  The truth is, PB,  I have assured Becky many times of my intention to stay put.  She must know at some level that my threats are empty.  Heck, I can't even bring myself to follow through on my 'intention', stated many times, to leave her home when I go out socializing.  I end up backing down either because I don't want a confrontation or can't stand to see her pout.  Yet she seems so lacking in self-esteem that at the slightest hint of discontent on my part- if, e.g.,  I suggest she check into another obesity clinic, arrive home 10 minutes late from work, or heaven forbid, spend more than 30 seconds conversing with a 'skinny ______'- her intransigent facade crumbles revealing her worry that, as her mother puts it, she is 'eating herself out of a husband.'
sexy mom sexy mom
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I hope ...I pray I never see myself in  a similar situation, Mr. Blue...

I can only say that either you are an extremely saintly man or I have no idea of how you can not do something. I am by no means so strong or so good...and I certainly don't think my husband or sons would benefit from my staying in a marriage that enables him in some way to keep his dignity in spite of having lost it long ago...I'm not one for humiliating people, but I certainly believe that we are responsible for ourselves and if it comes down to choosing between my marriage and his life...I choose his life. I'd rather he get so angry he leaves if it helps him become the man he should be, the man he is inside. Problem is...I don't think this will happen, but if I get the chance...I will do it, make him face his demons...

Because if I think it through...what have I got to lose? A husband? I might lose him anyway...I have lost him in many aspects already. I'll take my chances if  worse comes to worse.
Good luck to you.
poolboy poolboy
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Hey Blue Dude,
Do you have hobbies? Maybe her mom can babysit Becky while you get out. Start small just with an hour here or there, and build up to an afternoon or a morning , then a day off, then a week end. You have got to get out and breathe some fresh air, enjoy the sunshine away from the relationship.
Golf, bowling, paintball, car clubs (Porsche, Corvette, Jags, MGB, Aston Martin), model railroads, flying lessons, real estate, astronomy, investment clubs, beer buddies, bible studies, classes at the community college, cooking classes, watch collecting, dog shows, painting, music lessons, jogging, marathons, swimming, sailing, yachting, comic book conventions, coin collecting, precious metal collection, quilting bees, volunteer at the humane society or the food bank, damn, I don't know, just something for alone time. It's not to punish her or leave her, just to keep your perspective and grow as an individual.  If I had your home life and apparent cash flow, I would have an awesome car and motorcycle collection in a garage across town, with it's own studio apartment (big screen, pool table, fridge, kegerator, nice view to somewhere).
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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'I certainly don't think my husband or sons would benefit from my staying in a marriage that enables him in some way to keep his dignity in spite of having lost it long ago ....'  SM

I should think that as a wife yourself, you would fully understand and support my decision to help my own wife maintain her sense of dignity in public.  Am I not doing what any loyal spouse would do in similar circumstances?  Yes, I am critical of her eating when we are alone. But imagine how terrible she would feel if I allowed our friends or even strangers to see my displeasure with her gluttony.  At her stupendous weight, the poor woman is already the object of scorn and ridicule wherever we go.  (Just this weekend, I overheard a woman say to another lady as Becky got up from our table to walk through a serving line 'Look, tubby is making her move' and they both laughed.)  She is acutely aware of these reactions to her shameful appearance.  Thus, I see no good reason to add to her embarrassment by refusing to go along with her lovey-dovey charades, though I have later rebuked her on many occasions, upon seeing her stuffing herself following such a performance, 'Do you think that those people don't know the truth about us?  Who could fail to see that your eating has ruined our marriage?'
sexy mom sexy mom
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I said on another thread that I've come to the conclusion that what I see-and our sons see- as support, i.e., telling him we care, asking to do it for himself, for his own well-being...is seen by him as pressure. So where does that leave me? I can' do anything else but stay and watch him eat his way to an early grave...and if we're not lucky he might be seriously impaired to move or take care of himself. In any case, I say that I do admire you, Mr.Blue. It's just that I do not have that spirit. I firmly believe that people need to be held accountable for their actions-or lack thereof. I would never expect him to just stick around and wait for me to do something about a serious issue such as this and not expect me to do something for myself.
Sometimes, even though it hurts, you have to let people see they will have to face consequences. Some are inevitable. Some depend on what your actions do to other people.
There are more people in my family than just me and him. It's starting to affect my sons. And I really don't care what anyone may think...no one will hurt my sons and get away scott-free...even if it is their dad. He's been a good father till now, but he's starting to set a negative example, specially for the younger one. For now, I stay. But I can't guarantee how long I'll be able to handle it. If it starts affecting my work and the way I take care of my kids and mom...I'll have to readjust.
And as for what others think...I for one don't care. They don't walk in my shoes. I know that for the most part, they will not understand. But I don't need it. I want what's best for all, not just for me or for him.
I insist, I admire you. I am definitely not able to do what you are doing. I would not expect him to put up with something similar from me. So it's only fair that I want him to do something for his health. If he will not-or cannot and won't look for help-, then it's up to me to decide what's best for my family.
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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In reply to this post by poolboy
'Put a padlock on the fridge, hide the car keys and the phone. Leave her with a week's worth of healthy food, and take a
me-cation. Or-better and easier still-, send her to a health retreat, you can take there, drop her off, then pick her up ....sometime. You've got to stop this wheel you both are on, it's disturbing, and not healthy.'  PB

I appreciate your concern and advice, PB, I really do.  But we are talking about a woman who has been known to BRAG about how much she can eat in a sitting.  (A nurse once told me that she overheard Becky telling a male patient in one of the obesity clinics to which she was admitted that she could 'put away 2 plates of chili cheese fries as an APPETIZER.')  She also has said that she will do 'anything' to satisfy her appetite.  Thus, do you really think that my mere absence will result in a change of behavior on her part?  She has money of her own; she has friends: I'm certain that she would keep right on a eating to her heart's content.  The only thing she would be worried about would be the discovery by her family that I've left her, thus validating their claim that she's driving me away with her gluttony.
poolboy poolboy
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No, I really don't expect these activities to change her, that is futile. Only she can do that, and she loves her chili cheese fries way more than you, regardless of what she says (it's her actions that define who she is).
It's like the two of you have locked yourselves into this car-wreck situation. One of you refuses-and is unable to- leave the situation, the other one is able to distance themselves from it, if only for a small amount of time, and through that distance, will be able to minimize the damage from the pending crash.
You will not be suggesting these activities to change her, but you are doing these things so that she focuses on one thing while you are able to get a day or two to relax and have some meaningful, relaxing interaction with sane adults, or just some quiet time away from the co-dependent behaviors.
But I understand that we all have our fears and roadblocks to dealing with this stuff.
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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I think all you have left to do is pray, then, Mr. Blue. I mean this with love. Since you are religious, do you pray for God to grant you a light at the end of the tunnel? Sometimes I pray for that, and also for God to tell me what the message is here. Why am I being tested in this way? They say to "give it up to God." What does God tell you in terms of coping/relieving your situation? : )
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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Amen, SW.  I have spent a considerable amount of time reading Job, who never really receives an answer to the question you pose.  He is only admonished for his impertinence: 'Were you there when I laid the foundation of the universe?'  A priest once said on Good Friday that when we were tempted to doubt the Almighty's benevolence all we needed to do was take a 'good, long, discerning look at a Crucifix.'  I have always considered that a very good piece of advice.  Not to be outdone in generosity, God has already done for us infinitely more than we deserve.
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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It makes sense you would identify with Job. But there are other parts of the Bible. Miracles and triumph. I don't think it's too much to ask God to part the waters that are Becky's fat rolls.
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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This post was updated on .
Talk about the depths of the sea.  None of the Pharaoh's charioteers would never have made it through all of that unsightly blubber.  But I take your point: where there is faith there is hope.  Thanks for reminding me of that truth, SW.  But what truly puzzles me is the woman's inability to come to grips with the fact that she is grotesquely overweight.  I keep asking myself, doesn't it bother her that her stomach now hangs down to her knees?  How can she continue eating like she does in the face of such shameful evidence of her gluttony?  As one woman exclaimed, 'hasn't she taken a look at herself in the mirror lately?'  
poolboy poolboy
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I think it is part of the 'fat acceptance' culture. This culture supports the idea that overweight people are just by their nature (not a gazillion calories) larger in body mass. The fattitude is that it is easier to label us all as 'haters' rather than put down the box of donuts and soda chaser.
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