I've been reading through this forum and it seems as though this is a more common issue than I would have thought. Some people even suggest leaving their wives due to weight gain. I was kind of surprised to read this. Of course everyone wants their SO to stay in shape but is it really that big of an issue, a deal breaker, enough to break up a marriage? I'm not asking with judgement I would just like honest opinions from people as to the importance of weight/looks in a relationship. At what point does a change in weight/looks become an issue (ie. how much of a change)?
Interesting question. From reading the responses here, I think that a large part of the thin spouse's negative response to the fat spouse is due to the fat spouse's self-indulgence, laziness etc. Being obese affects your personality as much as your body. I say this as a former fatty.
I got into an online argument with a fatty yesterday who said that people who worked out and watched their weight were narcissistic and hence boring. While we were out hiking, I asked my hubby if I was more or less interesting since I have lost weight. I thought he might say I am more boring since I am obsessed with diet and exercise, but he surprised me by saying that I am more interesting because I am more interested in what he has to say. I guess losing weight has made me far more confident, and open to new experiences. Before, my interests centered around food. That was painful for me to write, but it's true.
Some of the thin spouses here say that their fat spouse "cheats" on them with food. That sounds harsh, but how else would you describe someone whose desire to overeat is stronger than their desire to save their marriage?
If I got into a relationship and the girl gained 100 lbs while we were together I would definitely be bothered by it. I don't buy the "you should love me no matter what" BS. If she isn't putting in the same effort to maintain herself that she did in the beginning of the relationship then not only is she less attractive, but it means she doesn't feel the relationship is important enough to put in the requisite effort. It's not just the physical attractiveness, or lack thereof, of the weight gain, but the attitude behind it.
It goes not only for weight but for other things. If a girl was nice and sweet and treated me well in the beginning, should I stick around and "love her no matter what" if she stopped treating me well? Of course not. The same goes for personal hygiene or any other number of things that go into making yourself an attractive partner. I think it's an unhealthy mentality to think, "Well I have you now so I can just let myself go and you should stick around anyway."
I don't stop going to the gym when I'm in a relationship. One good thing about my last ex was that she ran 5 miles a day without fail and helped motivate me to hit the gym more often. I liked that.
If anything I hit the gym more when I'm in a relationship than when I'm single. For one, I want to look good to my SO. And secondly, I want to already be looking good should we break up and I have to dive back into the dating pool.
It may not be PC to say, but I think people should keep themselves looking good for their partner, not just for themselves. I want my SO to think I'm hot, not just tolerate me out of a sense--false or not--of obligation.
If your partner is obese, you will not be able to enjoy things like hiking, biking, camping, kayaking, dancing.....together. Plus sex with a fatty is lousy...if it is possible at all!
Since being fit and healthy or obese and sicklish (hey, is that a word?) is a lifestyle choice, I want my partner to live the same lifestyle I do......so we can do things together and have fun together. Not possible if one is out hiking and the other one is sitting in front of TV with chips and pop in hand, stuffing himself.
Well, you asked for honest answers so I will try. From my obsevations. Particularly, age is a factor. The younger a couple is the more likely a woman putting on weight could lead to problems. It puts a young guy`s back against the wall when a gal starts out at a good weight and then starts putting it on. The more weight, the more of a problem.
The big problem is a young guy with his libido in high gear has a tough time keeping his eyes off shapely gals and his imagination at bay. It is good to have what he originally chose to come back to to get his rocks off. Otherwise, and it is hard to go into all the details, he goes through life like a kid in a candy store, he can look plenty but can never touch.
The only thing I haven't seen come up (well slightly) is the response to the difference between weight gain from a health issue versus a non-health related issue.
The health aspect is the PC response. That does come up here, but MFS people are more honest and talk about the physical attractiveness aspects of obesity, and the lifestyle aspects, as Mountain was discussing.
Well as long as we're all being honest and anonymous I wonder if anybody out there would be willing to share their story...Specifically, I'm wondering if anybody has had an affair that they attribute to their spouses weight gain. I don't need the details. I just wonder how often this is the case. I don't think people really need an excuse for infidelity, but does obesity increase the likelihood of extra-marital activity? Thanks in advance for any and all responses.
I consider infidelity "due to an obese partner" almost as bad an excuse as the obese person blaming their none obese partner for their weight problem. Kinda like two wrongs don't make a right. It's making a decision to engage in bad behavior, and it serves no purpose in addressing the problem.
That said, I'm sure there are people out there that would avail themselves of that as an excuse.
I don't think, especially in my case that it is the actually weight gain but more the lack of living life. The sex life nose dives, the activities that require you to be in some kind of shape arent done anymore, ie : biking, walking, camping and any other outdoor activities that require physical exertion. The physical shape of your partner also has alot to do with what kind of things you can do, watching TV is her main one, there mood and happiness depends alot on it to when you are not healthy. Who wants to spend time with an unhappy, overweight, bitchy person that wants to do nothing when you used to do everything together and you should not be disgusted by your spouse naked(unfortunately i am). Eventually someone elses addiction to food effects your life, your families life and everyone around them, it does not only affect the person that is overweight. When you get married you expect to spend the rest of your life with your SO, not worrying if there going to make it through the night or die of a heart attack in there sleep because they are so out of shape, very stressful worrying all the time. I am personally not sure when enough is enough but i am thinking i will find out sooner then later. I think the weight gain itself is a small part of the whole picture, my wife is probably 80 to 100lbs overweight and has gained it over the years but shows no desire to lose it. The health issues seem to be the worst thing, sore knees, hips, back, feet and a multitude of other ailments, which make her unhappy, bitchy and moody and effects everyone around her. Not sure if i want to retire with someone like that since i look after myself, but i guess everyone has a different breaking point.
When you get married you expect to spend the rest of your life with your SO, not worrying if there going to make it through the night or die of a heart attack in there sleep because they are so out of shape, very stressful worrying all the time. I am personally not sure when enough is enough but i am thinking i will find out sooner then later. I think the weight gain itself is a small part of the whole picture, my wife is probably 80 to 100lbs overweight and has gained it over the years but shows no desire to lose it. The health issues seem to be the worst thing, sore knees, hips, back, feet and a multitude of other ailments, which make her unhappy, bitchy and moody and effects everyone around her. Not sure if i want to retire with someone like that since i look after myself, but i guess everyone has a different breaking point.
Agreed, my SO is 100+ pounds overweight, is constantly ill, has GERD, sleep apnea (uses a CPAP), stress urinary incontinence, arthritis, dry brittle hair, her skin doesn't glow. She is always complaining about something hurting. She has a history of heart disease and diabetes in her family. It’s like watching a slow suicide. I am full of resentment because we do NOTHING together, I bike, run, hike, climb, etc... She goes to lunch with her friends, spends an insane amount of time on her cellphone or computer talking/texting/emailing/facebooking and other sit on your ass lazy activities. Our children are the only glue keeping this marriage together, and in 9 years that will no longer be the case - if I make it that long.
A spouse giving up on thereself is in essence giving up on the marriage.
I think many have posted simple correlations, i.e. I am the sole source of income and it is an expectation that I bring a paycheck home. If I decide that I don't want to do that and over the course of 10 or 20 years I never bring home a paycheck, should my SO stick around?
If you were single and someone who behaved and looked like your SO was in the room, would you be attracted to him/her?
As others have stated it's not just the weight gain. It's everything that goes with it. Lack of sex drive/desire, poor attitude of the fatty, not able to do things outside like they use to, etc. etc.
I bet you would be suprised if you could get an honest answer from people you see on the street with a fat SO. I bet you would find most are or have contemplated leaving. I certainly have. The 2 things keeping me are my kids and the fact that I don't want to pay her half my salary in a divorce to watch her re-discover herself, lose weight, re-marry, and start F'ing a new guy in my house while I live in a crappy little apartment.....