I hope I am not out of line here but the fact of the matter is that when a man gains a lot of weight then the extra fat gets distributed in a variety of places. A "fat pad" develops around the genital area which begins to surround the penis itself so that it becomes smaller. Now they say size doesn't matter but wouldn't that be enough motivation to diminish a mans appetite. For food I mean.....I am not trying to offend anyone but its the plain truth.
what I dont understand is why some overweight people dont get that their weight impacts sex. Have they looked in the mirror or noticed the heavy breathing or awkward positions? I don't want to sound mean here, but do we have to spell it out. Aside from the lack of attraction, it is just plain uncomfortable having sex. My hubby doesn't get it!! He blames everything else and blames me for not being in the mood. But it is all such a turn off. And he is so lazy now that I'm lucky if he brushes his teeth beforehand which just means no kissing. yuck.
Eeeeew... he doesn't brush his teeth?? What a sob. My advice... Start taking pictures of him at his absolute VERY WORST. Text 'em to him. Post 'em on Facebook. It seems that some folks have a bad case of fat denial. They either don't see it, or they refuse to acknowledge it. Cameras don't lie, however. It's what got me motivated... I saw some horrifying pictures of me from a wedding a couple if years ago. I got soooo upset about my fat chubby round face that I finally got off my ass and did something about it. Give it a shot! Maybe a healthy dose of shame is just what the doctor ordered. ;-)
Many of them simply don't have sex, SW. I suspect that people have stared at her for years and wondered the same thing. She herself is extremely concerned that people with discover the shameful fact that she is no longer able to perform in bed, hence her coquettishness in public. But the cold hard truth is that obesity diminishes a woman's sex drive. I have been told as much by a marriage counselor. For years my fat wife just laid there staring at the ceiling until I brought up the matter in therapy and she conceded that she'd "lost the urge." When she began sobbing and claiming not to know "what was wrong" the therapist calmly pointed out the obvious: "Rebecca you admit to weighing over 400 lbs. and being unable to stop thinking about food, a diminished sex drive is to be expected under such circumstances." I moved out of our bedroom that very evening despite her sobbing and pleading. Our sex life has since been non-existent- unless you count her forays into strip tease whenever she becomes worried that I am leaving her or thinks that another woman has her eye on me. E.g., Saturday night when we got home from a party:
B: Here I am, honey. (walking into my study)
Me: I am trying to read Becky.
B: (Closing the door) Look at me baby, I'm all yours.
Me: Please Rebecca.
B: Turn around and look at me dammit; I'm your wife.
Me: Ok Rebecca if it will make you happy. (She's standing there smiling coyly, all 500 blubbery pounds of her fully exposed.)
B: I'll always be your girl, right?
Me: You're my wife.
B: Why were you talking to that woman for so long?
Me: Oh so that's what this is all about. She's on the school board, dammit; you know that.
B: What could have been so important that you would have left me sitting there by myself for 20 minutes? Other people noticed.
Me: It was 10 minutes and I had questions about the district's mathematics curriculum. Do I have to justify every single conversation I have?
B: I'm still the sexy girl you married, right?
Me: Yes you still are the sexy girl I married; now please can I read for 15 minutes before I collapse from exhaustion?
B: I don't believe you, she's your type. The skinny b___ had her eye on you the whole night.
Me: I was NOT looking at her, dammit. Nor was she anything but professional with me. Please I'm asking you to let me read in peace!
B: (crawling over to where I was sitting) Don't talk to her anymore, I beg you.
Me: I never had any intention of saying another word to her; now please stop.
B: (crawling away) I just want to be your girl, is that so bad?
On my way up to my room I passed the kitchen where she was sitting at the table, still undressed and stuffing herself with cake and ice cream. 'You want to be my girl and this is how you act,' I thought.
Right, the damage from Becky's tremendous weight gain is not only physical, but psychological and emotional as well. People are concerned with my wife's appearance, yes, but they will also say things to indicate they notice significant changes in your demeanor and behavior as well. Instead of the amiable confident woman I married, she now seems ill at ease in social settings, especially if there is food around. It's as if she's always trying to hide something. I do believe that it takes a tremendous effort on her part not to overeat in front of people and she sometimes simply 'gives in' to what medical professionals have described as a "very powerful urge." (And the worst binges are when we get home or go back our hotel rooms after she DOES manage to restrain herself. As one woman commented recently, while watching Becky make a pig of herself, "Oh my goodness, the poor thing simply can't stop eating!"
I'm sure your empathy is appreciated. I believe she can stop overeating. People stop smoking, drinking alcohol and all sorts of other undesirable behaviors. Many people find it easier to change their behavior when it begins to negatively impact their life. We all try and make this more complicated than it is. A friend of mine asked me how I quit smoking. I told him it was easy. I just never lit another one up. I never stopped thinking about. I still feel like I want a cigarette. People who control their appetites continue to crave. It's okay. Notice those feelings and then let them go. The poor thing can stop eating like that. I hope she does before eating like that stops her from breathing.
I still feel like I want a cigarette. People who control their appetites continue to crave. It's okay. Notice those feelings and then let them go. The poor thing can stop eating like that.
I think there's a big difference between being able to stop something "cold turkey" and needing something to survive. The issue is not whether she can stop eating or not; it's whether she can stop at one sandwich or not. How would one puff on a cigarette each day do you?
By the way, I'm not trying to excuse obesity here. I just think it's more complicated than smoking or alcoholism.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
TY for your thoughtful response. Believe me, I go back and forth on this one. Can my wife JUST STOP, as you say, or is self-control beyond her at this point, as Mme.X. suspects? The glimpses I have had of her late night binges (before I turned away in horror and disgust) strongly suggest the latter. She is going WILD, there is no other way to put it. The other night when she was stuffing herself in the kitchen after the mini-scene in my study, she was so absorbed in her debauchery that she didn't even acknowledge me as I walked past, if she even noticed me at all. In a rare moment of candor, she once confirmed my 'out of control' hypothesis, exclaiming to a therapist that "I get so hungry that I want to sit and eat for hours."
On the other hand, when we have our monthly dinner with her mother, I've noticed that she tones it down- probably for fear of being reproached in front of her sisters. Instead of her usual 3 or 4 heaping helpings, she'll stop at seconds then make of big show of eschewing dessert. Or when I've threatened to leave her home while I attend company dinners, she's limited herself to a reasonable amount of food. The problem is, those exercises of restraint are inevitably followed by hellacious binges once she's alone.
Thus, I don't know what to do with her. She has been twice hospitalized, is no longer able to have sex, sleeps by herself in our downstairs guest bedroom, has a wardrobe that consists of sweatpants, sneakers, and billowy blouses, and has lost all her friends except the obese couple with whom, in her words, she "shares a passion for food." Meanwhile I must endure such indignities as overhearing a young lady giddily blurt out to her male companion "Look at the size of her stomach!"
T2Diabetes is unkind to the penis as well. Nerve endings are damaged due to high blood sugar not to mention you just do not feel well when blood sugar is out of control. My partner has this problem. He just will not stop eating, he is hungry all the time, and yes, he is very OW. I love him, but my love does not seem to make a difference. Well, my first post here, and hope to find some support. I am of normal weight, 5-4, 126. Turtle