Feel like a terrible person but....

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Trapped Trapped
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Feel like a terrible person but....

You know its bad when you find yourself on here.

That in all your frustration, desperation resentment, anger, you lost it and went online looking for anyone, someone to tell you you aren't a demon for feeling the way you do and having the thoughts you have.

In my current situation I'm unable to leave. I don't necessarily want to either. Like many of you I'm torn. Because my OSO has a heart of gold but his fat is making me HATE him. He wants to have sex (we haven't and we've been living togther 8 months now). But the thought of his stomach hanging there swinging into me, bumping me just REPULSES me.

But he loves me, he loves my daughter, He is kind, sweet, thoughtful ,funny, witty, intelligent, generous to a fault. I absolutly adore him as a person. I thought/think enough to keep hoping eventually he'll change which I'm sure is foolish.

I thought maybe its not as bad as I thought, he's not 300lbs. Maybe I'm just being petty here and if I stare at it long enough it wont bother me so much. Until that is I read another post on here. A woman posted her OSO was 5'11 and 98kg (216lbs). Mine is 5'10 and 216-220. And it just disgusts me. He always is wanting physical affection but its like trying to put two magents togther the wrong way. I just can't. I really can't. I've tried and I can't. And I feel like the most ungrateful, mean bully woman on earth. But its not getting better with time like I thought/hoped it would. He amazing personality isn't rising above the slop like I had hoped. When he moves and it jiggles its terrible. The thought of his heavy sweaty body on top of me especially naked is just DISGUSTING.

Who knew you could love someone and at the same time be sickened to your stomach thinking of them. Its sucha conundrum.

Thank gosh I found this place, a safe place. A place where  scream all the awful things I think that don't seem to get through his head. See, unlike most of you I HAVE BEEN DIRECT. I've tried saying your fat is just never going to work for me. I don't know how many times I can say it. But it doesn't appear that it will be getting better any time soon.

His facial hair is saving grace. I'm TERRIFIED to see him without it again. Without it.. its rather shocking. His jawline sinks into a mass, no definiton and its just nasty to be honest. I dred the day it comes off and I have to face what he really looks like under it with it concealing his extra chin pad.

I just don't know what to do. He keeps trying to touch me, have physical contact but its similar to having a fucking  worm slither over my foot i was to scream, run shower and get it the hell off. Its the nasty gross creepy feeling that makes your skin crawl.

But again I do love who he is and now I don't know where I go from here. How can I keep the person I absoultley asdore yet really express (i guess clearer than I already have) how bad this really is. WHy actually pull away every time he gets near me. My heart is kind of breaking for him. He seems lonely and I hate that I'm causing this pain to him but this reaction I have to his advances and touch is so far beyond ym control. Its a very automatic thing.

yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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Re: Feel like a terrible person but....

No, you’re certainly not a demon.  You’re just a normal person with normal desires.  I know firsthand what it is to be with a lovely person, who erstwhile physically repulses you.  Biology always wins.  You try and you feel compelled to share the intimacy, but you just can’t and your body will not respond.  Its frustrating, soul killing and sad.  All you can do is go on as best as you can, and if he doesn’t change, you’ll take the best course suited to you.  All I can tell you is YES, you deserve happiness, a partner that you are attracted to and NO, you shouldn’t have to compromise that part of your relationship.  
One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
LivingALie LivingALie
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Re: Feel like a terrible person but....

In reply to this post by Trapped
Dear Trapped,

You say he is kind, sweet, thoughtful ,funny, witty, intelligent, generous to a fault and you absolutely adore him as a person.  You are a lucky woman to have such a man in your life.  I wish my husband was 220 pounds again, he is  5'11 and 500 lbs.  Although this can be an absolute turn off for anyone, it is more his attitude towards me that disgusts me.   Maybe the issue here for you is that you are not in love with him and I don't know your history but maybe you never were.  He may be just a really nice guy that gave you other things that you needed, like love, comfort and security, that you may have thought was marriage worthy love.  Something to think about because you really can't change how you feel, but you can change the way you think about it.  When he randomly touches you, it is really him that disgusts you or just being touched without consent?  I feel this way too but I believe my issue stems from a few past experiences and it is not really my disdain for husband. I feel degraded and disrespected but he thinks he is complimenting me.  I don't like being groped or having my butt smacked/touched or my boobs felt up while I am doing the dishes.  But somehow, even though he knows this and continues to do it, I am the bitch and I am rejecting him.
My husband tells me all the time that I don't know what it feels like to be rejected.  This makes me feel bad for him because I have felt that way in the past and it is a terrible lonely feeling.  But at the same time he has no idea what it does to me to be his caretaker or have my feeling disregarded.  I feel taken advantage of and the last thing he makes me feel like doing is showing affection.  I already give enough of me to him.  Anytime we have sex, (maybe once a month, I always find a reason not too)  I feel like a whore and know why some of them are probably drug addicts.  There is no love, only duty. I close my eyes and pretend he is someone else.   I have never told him his body disgusts me because I don't believe what he looks like is the root of my feelings.  I tell him though that it is the way he treats me and woman in general feel intimacy on a different playing field then men.  It is an emotional thing for me that went out the door long before the massive weight gain.  Now it is just sex, not "making love".  Being a man, you would think he would know the difference.  
If your husband is a good man and you don't want to lose him, I would try to evaluate if it is really his weight or if there is something else contributing to your disgust.   Look inside yourself with complete honesty.  

Good Luck to you!
disappointed disappointed
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Re: Feel like a terrible person but....

I'm sorry about my "Auto Response" screwing up the "Top 5 Subjects" Header on the Home Page.  I hope that this comment will kick this subject back up into the "Top 5 Subjects" Header where it rightfully belongs.