He has an eight-pack now.

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size0wife size0wife
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He has an eight-pack now.

Somebody pinch me -- I must be dreaming.

A little backstory: http://matilda-tuesday-s-my-fat-spouse-forum.2331443.n2.nabble.com/At-Last-tp6678878p6678878.html

Tough love, threats -- whatever you want to call it -- it worked. Wouldn't suggest this method if you aren't emotionally & financially prepared to follow through with leaving/divorcing them. They won't take you seriously otherwise.

Had his attitude been "I don't care, go ahead and leave me", I wouldn't have hesitated to do so. Why stay with someone who blatantly disrespects you & your values?
Rose Rose
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Nice to hear a success story.  Being the formerly fat spouse, I was wondering how your H is doing.  Has he embraced the fitness lifestyle or does he look at it as an obligation that if not met, will result in the consequence of your leaving?  Has he accepted that he will always have to exercise and diet to maintain this physique for the rest of his life and is he happy to do so?  Would you have been happy with him looking "healthy" or is it important he looks "hot"?  Has your ultimatum affected his feelings towards you?  Is he grateful?  Do other women pay more attention to him and what does he do about that?  What do you do about it?  This whole dimension is very foreign to me and I am trying to get a handle on how others feel.
Anyway, congrats to him for making the changes you wanted and congrats to you for getting your eight pack honey.  
 
Rosie
size0wife size0wife
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Thanks for your reply, Rosie!

I certainly never expected him to embrace fitness to this degree. All I ever needed was for him to be HWP and strong, for aesthetic & health reasons. I should mention, he's 20 years older than me. Given our significant age gap, I was especially concerned about his health. But let's be honest: the excessive fatness had become intolerably repulsive, too.

Though I made it abundantly clear that I'd never tolerate a relapse, I think he's motivated by more than just the specter of divorce. While he claims that he "only does it for me", I think his renewed health is a huge motivator. He no longer snores, at all. He doesn't suffer from sleep apnea anymore either. His acid reflux? Completely gone!

Everyone has noticed how amazing he looks now. They all know I'm to credit. He never would've accomplished his new physique independent of me. Other women are welcome to look - in particular his exes. His transformation is a testament of my standards, fierceness & self-respect. They don't have what it takes to rival my gumption, so... if he ever wound up leaving me for one of them... without a doubt, he'd become fat again in a year's time. That ought to give you an idea of how I feel about that - amused & unconcerned!

I went ahead and asked my husband how my ultimatum affected his feelings toward me. He said: while he doesn't enjoy being told what to do or "being controlled", the benefits of all this far outweigh the aggravation he feels. He sticks with it to prove his love & devotion, as being with me means everything to him.

I've passed your congratulations onto him. Thank you!



Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Congrats! It probably wouldn't have worked without the drastic measures, I'm guessing. I did the same thing and am experiencing similar success. Guys don't like to be alone. But you gotta be tough to go this route. Not for the faint of heart. But neither is having 3x your body weight on top of you during sex :/
Doris1983 Doris1983
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by size0wife
My goodness, you sound like a horrible, horrible person. I don' know why your husband wants to be with you so badly when it sounds like all you do is harp at him and betray your own shallowness.

His sleep sounds like it's gotten better, but maybe that's because his waking hours are such a horror.
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Oh please.  Yet another person condemning someone for having a personal opinion about THEIR OWN SPOUSE.  Go harp somewhere else.  So sick of people living in the fantasy "unconditionl love" get over yourself - it doesn't exist.  People are being REAL here.  Go judge somewhere else.
size0wife size0wife
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by Doris1983
Doris, your standards & self-esteem must be very low, lol.
Doris1983 Doris1983
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

I beg to differ!  As I see it, my standards are higher than yours:  

Rather than focusing on finding a partner whom I can control, I looked for a partner I can love for who he is.  
Rather than focusing on what other people see when they see my husband, I focus on what I see, which is beautiful and sexy to me.  If you were embarrassed to be seen with your husband, it is you who has low self-esteem.
Rather than focusing on how big my husband is, I focus on how big his heart is and how wonderful he is, to me and as a person.
Rather than focusing on weight-loss, we focus on having fun, together.

There are thousands of men out there who look like your husband, but there are none out there who are as good, funny, kind, generous, and supportive as mine.

Who's got the low standards now?

And what will happen when your man finally decides to get away from your harping and takes that eight-pack to some younger, fitter lady?
Doris1983 Doris1983
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by LiveLifeWell
Yes, I am condemning her for having a personal opinion about her own spouse, because she is setting him up as a model of behavioral control.  

She is advocating her way of dealing with this to vulnerable people on the internet, and her way of dealing with having a fat husband is to humiliate and harp on him: the person she swore to love and protect til death.

If you don't want judgement meted out, stay away from this size-obsessed shrew.

And yes, she's being REAL, but she's showing that she REALLY doesn't care about anything other than her friends' opinions of her husband. Go find a reality that won't wind up with you doing lasting psychological damage to the person you say you love.
size0wife size0wife
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Given that I'm 20 years younger than him and ultra-fit (ex-gymnast), he wouldn't dream of taking his new bod elsewhere. :)
size0wife size0wife
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

This post was updated on .
In reply to this post by Doris1983
"There are thousands of men out there who look like your husband, but there are none out there who are as good, funny, kind, generous, and supportive as mine."

Get that, ladies? Our husbands are inferior to Doris'. :P
I'm sure our male members are equally amused.
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Well, I think my husband's  pretty amazing in his own right.

Rather than focusing on finding a partner whom I can control, I looked for a partner I can love for who he is.
He loved me enough to stay with me while I lost the weight and tackled my problems, and He loved me enough to say something about it  before I killed myself with junk food.

Rather than focusing on weight-loss, we focus on having fun, together.
I'm not even thin yet, and the fun I've had just being less fat is  beyond anything I would have had to settle for  if I kept the way I was going. I couldn't even keep up with him walking before, now we're planning  a trip to the ice rink on our next trip out of town.
Greg328 Greg328
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by size0wife
It's reassuring to see that some people can adjust to new lifestyles so easily. At her prime, my wife was a fantastic soccer player who was easily in better shape than me, and I've been training in martial arts since I was 4. A few years and 150 pounds later, her mile time has gone from 6 to 15 minutes, and the thought of getting back into the condition of her soccer days has probably never even occurred to her. I admire your courage in being able to be do up front and serious about his weight, that's something I could never do. At least some people experience success:p
sad sad
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by Doris1983
Doris,

If you and your husband are happy together with lots of fat, that's between you two.  All the best and good luck to you.  

But you should not condemn those who are struggling to help a spouse whose fat has made sexual interaction difficult, if not impossible.  The rest of the site includes plenty of threads that discuss how to broach the topic without "harping."  Andrea T. and Rosie, for example, both offer compassionate and thoughtful  meditations that move so very far away from mere "behavioral control."

By the way, if you are so happy, why are you on this site?  
Rose Rose
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by size0wife
Sadly, that may not be the case.

I was the fat spouse in the relationship, now 3# below goal weight.  During my weight loss adventure, I had a lot of time on the treadmill to think.  I also had time to see how my husband would be once I met his attractiveness standards.  He feels much as you do, Size0.  He is pleased with my accomplishments, but continues to enforce the threat made in the ultimatum that if I fail to remain thin, he will leave.

 
Now, I have overcome many serious difficulties in our marriage, many brought on by him, and have done so without threatening him with divorce.  But I refuse to live my remaining years worried that if I gain a few pounds or miss a couple workouts, he will leave.  I have come to realize that the price of his love (being consumed every waking moment with monitoring every calorie and every minute of exercise) is not worth my life as it has become.  I am tense and stressed when I weigh myself every morning in case I gain a half pound.  I record EVERY calorie and exercise accordingly.  I am tired of telling myself no to a steak or baked potato once a month if we go out to dinner to celebrate something.  I know I will pay for enjoying that steak or potato with cutting my calories the next day (being hungry) and more exercise to offset the extra calories.  It is just exhausting.


So, I have started the process to divorce him.  I am more valuable than my waist to hip ratio, my dress size, hair color, etc.  I am a good person, a good wife, mother and daughter.  If appearance is the defining issue in a 40 year marriage, then it is time to part ways.  He will be free to find someone who fulfills his definition of marriage.  And I will have some peace.  Wish it would have turned out differently.


I do not plan to regain the weight.  I have the tools to control my weight and have worked too hard to lose it.  I just won't have to listen to someone directly or indirectly threatening my marriage because I had dressing on a salad or did not have time to work in a full hour on the treadmill today.  No marriage, no Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
 
Rosie  
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Hey Rose - everything else aside congratulations for getting BELOW your goal weight!  That is actually pretty awesome.  I guess ultimately there is no right or wrong in how to broach such a difficult and personal topic.  It's completely subjective, what some find hurtful and controlling, others need in order to control themselves (different than being controlled).  I don't know your husband but at the very least he may have helped you add years to your life, and now the smoking hot 'new you' can perhaps move forward and find someone appreciative of all your work and effort and therefore you will spend those added years in bliss (here's to hope).  You will not end up being practically crippled and in pain as my mother is.

BTW - the way your strategy of calorie control (enjoy your steak one day - cut back the next) is actually the way many thin people are able to enjoy their indulgences - no hummingbird metabolism - thoughtful eating and hard work, so yes, it is exhausting at times but eventually it can become a natural habit.  
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by Rose
Rose,
Did he give you one number to stay under, or a range?
Rose Rose
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Andrea,
A number, which I am three # under right now.
 
Rosie
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

Sorry to hijack the thread, but that's messed up. The more I read about your husband, the less  motivated I'd be to  change for somebody like that- especially after that long. With his behavior in other posts, it sounds like he's turning into a nasty old man. I'm  so glad you've decided to keep up the changes with or without him- It  will be so much better for you :D
sad sad
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Re: He has an eight-pack now.

In reply to this post by Rose
Wow.  You are one strong woman.  I am so grateful that you are sharing your story because it does give so much to think about.

For me, it does feel like a catch-22 situation.  I feel as though telling him that I will leave if nothing changes is my only recourse, but I am painfully aware that that looks like I am just trying to "manipulate" him.  But I'm not.  I just feel that 7 years without sex is more than I can handle, and given that I'm pushing fifty the clock is ticking pretty fast, and it feels that we ought to work out something so that we can keep being buddies without pretending that we're married.  

But I would never give him a "number" to get to!  The whole problem is so much bigger.  It's more a matter of getting to the point where each of us is more responsive to the needs of the other.  

Gosh, every situation is so different.  So delicate.  So hard.
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