Holidays

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Mme.X Mme.X
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Holidays

Well, I have discovered that I do not have the strength to leave during the holidays. So many things happening "as a family," so many things to do for the family... We went to a lovely Christmas brunch and a wedding of a young woman connected with my work. The priest announced during the ceremony that "the most beautiful symbol of marriage is the crucifixion." I think that I coughed, went bug-eyed, and perhaps began to hyperventilate. But I also thought of Mr Blue, for surely that is the message that he (better person than I am) puts his faith in: self-sacrifice for the sake of love.

Well, I don't know about self-sacrifice, but here's wishing everyone love this holiday season, in any and every form. May it bring you joy and happiness.

And for those who hold out no possibility whatsoever for happiness, my gift is the following link, which puts you in good company:http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2012/dec/20/is-god-happy/For me, reading it denied me happiness even as it gave me joy.    
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
The Man With No Plan The Man With No Plan
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Mme.X Mme.X
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Hi.  Yeah, it is hard to keep people's stories straight. I sometimes have to click on "People" to trace the threads, but that only works for registered users, and some people, like me, deleted our original postings if they gave too much information about ourselves. But yeah, I told him I wanted to leave.  I've been looking for apartments. I actually found one that I liked, only to be told that it was subsidized housing (really!  it was nice!  newly renovated) and that I didn't qualify. The hardest part for me, oddly, in that process was having the woman ask me if I was bringing any pets.  I have this weird special connection with our dog, who is very smart and sweet and was a stray my then-2-year-old spotted one day (the story about that event, including my husband's resentment of me ever since, I think I alluded to quite recently); but so do my son and daughter, and I can't imagine separating her from them. So the woman asked me. I paused. I couldn't talk. I crumpled.  And that was when I figured out that it was going to be tough, even if my vision seems very rational: I live close by, I see them every day, I just get my own place and stop sleeping on an air mattress.  Sounds like it should be simple, even if I can't afford it, either.  Husband is mad at me about it and doesn't think I can do it, and, as I posted above, now the holidays have taken over, and I have stuff to finish up for work, too.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
The Man With No Plan The Man With No Plan
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Mme.X Mme.X
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The Man With No Plan wrote
Do your kids know this is going on?  I can see how the logistics of actually moving out and moving on would be a huge drag.
Oddly, that is not a bad part of it. I talk a lot with my kids about everything--anything going wrong in their lives, and "G" rated version of what is going on my my life. They see daddy yelling at me and they see that I do not yell back. They see that I sleep on an air mattress in one of their rooms because daddy's room is too full of junk and he snores loudly. They know I love them. They know that I would not move far away and that I would see them every day, and that they would get another place to go to.  I remain positive when I talk with them, and I tell them that there are many arrangements that let people be the nicest to each other and to themselves, and that I want them to feel that they can always act productively and reasonably. In fact, last week, my seven year old handed me an envelope that she had made, and inside were two little sheets of paper from her little shell pad.  She had drawn a picture on each.  She smiled cheerfully and said: "Here, Mummy. This is for you. It is your choice! You can pick either one!" I attach a scan of them. You can see that the expression on the Mummy is happy in both.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Wow, how sweet!

I do worry about your dear dog. If he's angry at you, he may take it out on the dog. It's a common form of spousal abuse. So, I would urge you to take the dog.
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