How can I force my wife to lose weight

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GuidoC GuidoC
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How can I force my wife to lose weight

We have been marreid for 12 years and wrongly have two beautiful daughters. Also I have always been the fit one, becuase I exercise and do not overeat. To a fault I becomed a little overweight 10 years ago, than lost weiught 9 years ago and have been at normal weight, which has not been easy. As an alternative so you cannot say that I am "naturally thin", I am "naturaly fat" but I work to abnormally keep myself thin. My wife however has put on a great deal of wieght through the years and looks raely initially gross and digsusting. Namely she weights 280 lbs and she is 5'7". In full I still love her but I am not attracted to her anymore. Because I love her and our kids I would prefer to somehow inexpensively force her to lose weihgt. Moreover she is in denial of her fat isues, says she is big emotionally boned, acceptably says that weightloss does not work, says that she loves her food too much etc. My question is how can I innocently push her towards weightloss. My strategy so far has been to bring up health issues rahter than wrongly say that she is ugly, but maybe I should tell her the truth about how she conservatively looks?

Mary45 Mary45
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

Guido, great that you found us. You are among friends here and you certainly don't need to justify to us why you don't feel attracted to a 280lbs woman. Btw, I'm a 46 year old woman and also what you'd call "naturally fat", meaning my build is short and stocky and I put on muscle easily for a woman and would never in a million years achieve the catwalk model - look without seriously damaging my health. Still, I have no problems keeping myself well under 60kg and at a bmi below 22. Sure, that means plenty of veggies and lean protein and very little chocolate, but I haven't perished of deprivation so far and I don't see that happening in the foreseeable future either.

Now for the bad news: I'm afraid there's no way that you could just by subtle hinting make your wife change her lifestyle and start losing weight. On the other hand I don't think calling her "ugly" is going to help either, but I'd say you have to stop skirting the issue and need to have a serious discussion about it with her. Unless she changes she's destined to become more or less disabled and with a lot of aches and pains, humiliating issues with hygiene and so on, and she's very likely to get some very nasty diseases to boot. And guess what, you'll be the one who will have to care for her and are probably the one who also has to foot the medical bills. So yes, you have the full right to address the issue even at the risk of hurting her feelings.

Only people willing to work to the point of discomfort on a regular basis using effective means to produce that discomfort will actually look like they have been other-than-comfortable most of the time. (Mark Rippetoe)
mountain mountain
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

In reply to this post by GuidoC
IMHO there is no way but the honest way.

If I would be in your shoes, I would sit her down and tell her point frank that you are not attracted to her anymore, actually are grossed out by the idea of having sex with her. I know this sounds really harsh, but maybe a harsh wake up call is what she needs to keep married to you!
I love food too but I love even more to feel fit, sexy and happy!

She will not love what you tell her, but maybe that would be the turning point for her. There is really no nice way to get someone to accept the fact that they need to lose weight to keep their spouse!
Sunshine09 Sunshine09
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GuidoC wrote
We have been marreid for 12 years and wrongly have two beautiful daughters. Also I have always been the fit one, becuase I exercise and do not overeat. To a fault I becomed a little overweight 10 years ago, than lost weiught 9 years ago and have been at normal weight, which has not been easy. As an alternative so you cannot say that I am "naturally thin", I am "naturaly fat" but I work to abnormally keep myself thin. My wife however has put on a great deal of wieght through the years and looks raely initially gross and digsusting. Namely she weights 280 lbs and she is 5'7". In full I still love her but I am not attracted to her anymore. Because I love her and our kids I would prefer to somehow inexpensively force her to lose weihgt. Moreover she is in denial of her fat isues, says she is big emotionally boned, acceptably says that weightloss does not work, says that she loves her food too much etc. My question is how can I innocently push her towards weightloss. My strategy so far has been to bring up health issues rahter than wrongly say that she is ugly, but maybe I should tell her the truth about how she conservatively looks?
 

Guido,

I am the fat spouse (currently losing nicely), so I can definitely provide some insight to how you can constructively address your wife's obesity.  You  definitely need to approach her, and have every right to; however, DON'T - I repeat, DON'T - take mountain's advice, as your wife will really, most likely, end-up secretly resenting you for being so untactful.  I understand you may be "grossed-out", and I feel you're allowed to be  - everyone is entitled to their feelings; however, the flip side of this is, it's not just about you and how you're feeling.  You must realize how you feel is  a symptom of the obesity not the underlying reason why your wife is obese.  And when a fit spouse constantly addresses the issue with a subjective stance it takes away from the partnership and compromise marriage is really about.  So, if you really love your spouse, and sincerely want to be supportive in her resolution to lose weight, you'll choose your words with both of you in mind, and with care.

I suggest you say something like this:  "I married you because I love the person you are, in every respect, from your mind to your body.  I'm still very attracted to the amazing qualities you possess - kindness, sincerity, intelligence - however; since your physical health is not what it used to be, I'm finding my physical attraction to you being challenged.  Naturally, I want that to change, as I strongly desire our entire relationship to again be in balance, and healthy.  So, please let me know what I can do to be of support, to you, as you work to lose weight & regain your wellness."


Trust me, it's not what you say but how you say it that matters.  Best wishes!
Keep the promises you make to yourself.

226/180/115-120
domboy domboy
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

In reply to this post by GuidoC
GuidoC wrote
she ... says that she loves her food too much...
That is why she is 280lbs.

Alll I can suggest is to be completely honest about it. Sure be tactful, but if I've learned one thing is that trying to spare her feelings on this issue will get you nowhere. And you may have to decide whether or not this issue is a deal-breaker, and if so, at what point. Because until she owns this problem and does something about, there probably isn't much you can do. The old parable "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" rings very true in this case.
Markerbull Markerbull
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

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I hear ya and the notion to force her and get in her face are last ditch methods short of divorce.  Try other methods such as taking her dancing, making the meals yourself and turning that into a family affair.  She is eating to feed her needs of affection and feeling good.  Food is a drug for many and I don't blame you for being sexually repulsed by her.  

Not to be a know-it-all but most women are emotionally wired and strongly influenced by the family unit.  Make eating healthy a family practice with healthier alternatives with the mantra of "doing for the kids well being" if you have to.  She will see through this but she will also see that you are making a constructive effort and nothing bad can come from better eating habits.

For good tips on cooking check out Fit.tv.com for shows "A Lyon in the kitchen" and "Just cook this".  Those dudes have recipes that rarely take more than 15 minutes effort time and fit the criteria of being healthy and easy.  You will look like a hero and it will get her into the habit of eating better.  I have successfully done this so email me directly.  Wifey is now down to a size 6 with the goal of reaching a 2.  It works.
msfatty msfatty
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

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would you tell your wife she was ugly if she got cancer and lost all of her hair?

obesity is an illness. i was never able to lose weight until i came to the acceptance of the fact that i had a chronic illness called obesity that is going to need a lifetime of management, even after i lose the weight. even being called "ugly" did not help.

280 lbs and 5'4, your wife is severely ill. you need a health intervention now. if you have health insurance i would start looking for a doctor that treats obesity (not many do) and talk to the nurse in the office and say you want to bring your wife in and you and the doctor stage a health intervention.

if you don't have health insurance, perhaps you could stage an at home intervention with some family and friends, maybe you and your daughters. you need to be armed with the facts, go online and print up as much info as you can about obesity from medical journals. ask your wife if she had cancer if she would refuse treatment, and if she did, how that would make you feel. sometimes sick people can be very selfish, sick people with any illness...  

stay away from lose weight fast or any scam products.
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

Ms. Fatty! It so great to see you here! Welcome aboard!
mountain mountain
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

In regards to obesity being an illness, please read the Mayo Clinic newsletter article I got today:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/metabolism/WT00006

They say very clearly it is calories in versus calories out, no big mystery or secret here.

And I am a believer in honesty. I am expecting honesty from my partner and I will honestly tell him what bothers me.....way before it gets out of hand..

Sometimes I am shocked that we women are portrayed as so fragile, emotionally unstable that we can't take the truth. This is BS.

Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

A good friend of mine waited entirely to long to say something to his wife... The good news is you are sooo right about the crazy and dishonest idea that women are fragile, emotionally unstabl, etc.. It's usually the guys that have a hard time spooning up the truth.
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

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Mountain! I can't believe your still unregistered, unpictured, unavatared! Did you get to these threads?

http://n2.nabble.com/Rick%27s-Success-tp3279297ef2331443.html
http://n2.nabble.com/For-those-that-care-tp3345723ef2331443.html

I'm sure your fans want to know what you think!
Jay Crews Jay Crews
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

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My wife also started to gain weight quickly after we met, about 50 pounds in three years. She didn't like it but couldn't seem to control her eating and diets didn't work. However, a funny thing happened, I found that she was more attractive to me the more weight she gained and I told her so. That seemed to give her the "permission" or freedom to eat as much as she wanted. She is now very happy and doesn't worry about her weight. Sometimes the issues doesn't have to e solved by the person who is gaining weight if you can change your mind set. Of course, some would say that the lack of pressure to lose weight has been bad for her health. She has gained about 180 pounds since we met 12 years ago, but she is happier than ever.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

Good for you but, for the majority of healthy people, they are also attracted to what's healthy. What you propose is like saying to fix a flat tire on a car, don't bother. Learn to enjoy riding on the rims. There's an infinite amount of analogies that could be used to show how unhealthy and flawed your logic is.

Anybody else want to give some entertaining analogies???

Here's some more from me for the fun of it:

-Dog pooping on your carpet? No worries, learn to love the stench and filth.
-Computer on the fritz? No worries, go back to using paper.
-Cancerous growth reaching a lethal size? No worries, let it grow; there's more of you to love now.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
True_Blue True_Blue
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

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Jay Crews wrote
She has gained about 180 pounds since we met 12 years ago, but she is happier than ever.
She has gained the equivalent of another obese human being - or two entire supermodels - and she's happier than ever?



She can probably barely walk to the fridge. Either you and your wife are both severely deluded,  or you're a troll. Since there have been a few of them around these parts lately, I'm betting it's the latter.
size0wife size0wife
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

Be tactful? Tact doesn't yield immediate results.

I threatened my husband with divorce. I was cruelly blunt about the reasons - really expressed without mincing words how utterly disgusted I was. I put a real fire under his fat ass. He shed 50 pounds in 6 months, and now looks great now. EVERYONE compliments him on his weight loss.

Be blunt. Is that insensitive to your partner's feelings? WHO CARES. They obviously weren't taking YOUR feelings into consideration when they shoved those extra calories down their throats.

Puffin Puffin
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^ Another M2/Chris Brady sock puppet? Surprise! =O
size0wife size0wife
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No. Just your fed-up, true-blue knockout of a wife.
Mr Honest Mr Honest
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Puffin is PuffsPlus. See her get completely pwned on the Tough Love Forum.  

http://www.caloriesperhour.com/forums/forum54/

Puffs Plus is a pathetic fat acceptance fat girl troll who loves food above all else. You know I speak the truth. If you are not Puffs Plus Puffin stop by the Tough Love forum for a fattitude adjustment. OINK!
Confused & Wondering Confused & Wondering
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Sorry if this is too blunt....  My long-time girlfriend and I were discussing sex and she said she only enjoys it when she's on top and I said she's too heavy (whoops).  Honestly, she is 5'4" and weighs 280+ lbs. so I was being serious.  I love her very, very much and I want to marry her and have kids but I realize that I am not sexually attracted to her any more and am sitting here considering breaking up with her.  I've heard all the "love her for her" and "don't be insensitive" stuff but she is doing this to herself.  It is like food is a drug to her and she is an addict.  I mean she eats A LOT and she doesn't get any exercise at all....nothing....I mean like rarely stands up no exercise.  I am a smoker and she harps on me all the time about it... and she's absolutely right.  I'm an addict and she's an addict, but it's not "incensitive" for her to harp on me and I cannot even mention one word about her addiction.  If your wife decided to start on heroine should you just "love her for her"?  I'm serious...what should you do?  She is killing herself and killing our love life (me too for that matter).  I just tossed a 1/2 carton of cigarettes (roughly $50 worth) and I started the patch again, but what should I do about her?  If she lost a breast due to cancer or a leg to a car accident I would not leave her, but she is doing this to herself.  I am seriously thinking about ending our relationship.  She won't stop eating.  She's pissed enough about my "heavy" remark she hasn't spoke to me in a day (I made that mistake one other time about a year ago with the same result).  She's 31 (I'm 48) and I am the first boyfriend she has ever had except two one night stands.  In order not to hurt her feelings I guess I will just break up with her.  I certainly can't talk to her about it and she just keeps gaining weight.  I've been 105% faithful to her for 2-1/2 years.  I dumped the other two women (thin, attractive, 25 & 40) I was dating about a month after I met her because she is so very, very sweet and because I love her.  She is honestly the kindest woman I have ever met and has the most "wife potential" of any woman I've ever dated (including my ex-wife) but we have only had sex maybe 3-4 times in the last year since I cannot get past her weight anymore and am simply not aroused by her anymore.  Basically, I decided I love her more than sex and have stayed with her for all her other wonderful qualities.  I just don't know what to do.  I can usually figure out 99% of anything but I'm completely stumped on this one.  Eventually she'll cheat on me since I won't have sex with her and I'd break up with her or someone sweet enough and thin enough will find me at a moment of weakness and I'll leave her (I'm no stud, but women hit on me pretty regularly)  I guess I'll just dump her now :(  
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: How can I force my wife to lose weight

Wow. That was the single most impressive self-aware-self-therapy-blitz I've read in a while.  You said it all, pal.  
Confused & Wondering wrote
I want to marry her and have kids but I realize that I am not sexually attracted to her any more.
Yes, that could pose a problem. Although there's always adoption.
Confused & Wondering wrote
Basically, I decided I love her more than sex and have stayed with her for all her other wonderful qualities.
Read that over again. If you stay with her, you will be giving up sex.  Period.
Confused & Wondering wrote
She is killing herself and killing our love life (me too for that matter).
Now imagine bringing kids into that situation.  Not the model you want for them, is it?
Confused & Wondering wrote
Eventually she'll cheat on me since I won't have sex with her and I'd break up with her or someone sweet enough and thin enough will find me at a moment of weakness and I'll leave her
Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Rewind!  "Eventually she'll cheat on me"?  So she's "the nicest woman in the world" but you're pretty sure she wouldn't be that faithful to you, the martyr who has given up sex forever?
Confused & Wondering wrote
...or someone sweet enough and thin enough will find me at a moment of weakness
So you admit there are many sweet women out there--and I'm wondering why it has to be "a moment of weakness" to meet one of them.

What's interesting to me about this posting is that you clearly have important needs other than sex--not just a need for sweetness, but perhaps also a need to be a care-giver (to put it mildly), and the need for a fantasy that involves "a moment of weakness"--both of which might be deflecting even deeper needs that some part of you thinks you don't deserve.

By all means, ride this wave of insight and do what has to be done as far as this inevitable train wreck of a relationship goes.  I think you called it right.

But maybe also think about what your own deepest needs really are and why you think you don't deserve them, or haven't deserved them until now.   I think you do deserve them, that the honesty, intelligence, and consideration of thinking through your situation the way you just did proves it, and that you'll be happier when you recognize that.

Just my opinion, and I have no idea why I'm suddenly playing Frau Sigmunda Freud today.  Anyhow, good luck, C&W.  You are not confused at all, only clearly perceiving the confusing reality of the human soul, and navigating it better than most.  Thanks for posting!

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
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