I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

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Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

This sounds like a very prevalent problem in society right now. I love my wife very much and hope to retire someday and spend my time with my wife enjoying old age but i don't think she will make it to old age with her health problems from obesity. She is a very beautiful woman but has let herself get so overweight in the last 18yrs of marriage that life is just not the same. Besides the usual loss of sexual desire and health issues with her knees, back, hips, diabetes in her family, she doesnt want to do anything anymore but sit on the couch, eat and watch TV. We are still young(44) and our children are going to be leaving home within the next couple of years and i will go from having my boys as companions for hunting and fishing to being alone again since my wife has no desire to do anything anymore and it frankly scares me. I want to help her so much but have hit a crossroad and have given up. I have no lover, no companion and friend anymore, it hurts to see this happening to someone i love so much but i dont know what to do anymore but get a divorce and move on. I have always had a high sex drive and spent most of my time outdoors with my wife doing everything including sex! Now nothing at all. I have never been one to complain or seek help from others but i have hit a brick wall and it is beyond even having an affair or just a sex issue, it is the whole package! I desperately need someone to love me back and share in my life again! I am a good looking guy that is tall and fairly well built and know there are women out there that would appreciate a hard working loving man to spend there life with. I just cant bring myself to leave my wife because of her weight, it feels shallow and wrong but i dont know what else to do. I know this sounds like whining since there are people out there with alot worse issues then a spouse that is overweight but i guess if you have lived it or live it then you will understand my dilemma. Wish i could help her but think maybe it is time to help myself and find someone that wants what i want, does anyone have any suggestions or advice??? Thanks for reading and look forward to hearing from someone that might help me solve my problem and help my wife lose weight and get her life back, i know the thinner, happier her is in there somewhere!!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

Hi, Huntingu1. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I'm also a thin spouse and struggling with a depressed spouse for whom weight gain has been part of the problem. I don't feel comfortable giving "advice" since I'm no expert and, more importantly, every situation and couple is different. Still, if were going to offer advice, I'd start with telling you to pour over the archives here on this site. There's a lot there, and a lot of different stories, some with happy endings, some with sad endings, and some (like mine) still in progress.  Secondly, I guess I would ask you questions:

- Have you ever broached the subject positively with her? It's tricky, of course, and there are lots of postings here on how to do so humanely--focusing on health rather than looks, suggesting shared exercise rather than just individual action, and emphasizing how to talk about improving the whole relationship together rather than criticizing one part or person.  

- Have you tried therapy or counselling? It works for some people.

- Have you read the book His Needs/Her Needs? Several people on this site have found it helpful. I wasn't big on the gender stereotyping, but the basic message--that both parties in a marriage have needs that need to be met--is important and good.

- While you are trying to deal with this difficult situation, are you being nice to yourself? Treating yourself well and making sure that you are flourishing in life (maybe not sexually so much, but in terms of your own sense of purpose or talent)? Me, I think this part is important.

- Have you read Yorktown38's postings? His approach has been successful. If you click on the "People" button on this site, you can follow individual stories.

Generally, you should feel welcome to vent any time. We sympathize and understand. Good luck.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
mountain mountain
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by Huntingu1
I am sorry you are in this horrible situation. But I have to ask, have you had a clear talk with her? A talk where you mention her declining health, her couch lifestyle, her unsexyness (is that a word?) and in general her very unattractive behaviour? If you have....I guess nothing came out of it. If you haven't ....it is time to have this very clear talk. Tell it as it is, as you see it and as you feel, but don't attack her or call her names (you don't sound like the guy who would do that).
Give it another half a year or if you want a year, if nothing has changed then.....I would divorce her and leave. You are way to young to be stuck with an obese, boring, sick woman....there is so much life left for you!
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by Mme.X
We have tried counselling and much more, we have been on a roller coaster of diets and exercise regimes, which have worked for awhile but she seems to gain the weight back and more afterwards. I have tried being positive, ignoring it, bitching about it and everything in between, nothing seems to be working and i have come to the conclusion that if she doesnt want to lose weight for herself she just won't. I appreciate the feedback and have not given up yet, just very frustrated and do not want to turn my back on the woman i hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I see the potential in her and the slimmer in shape her( like she was when were married) and cannot bring myself to beleive there is no solution. I will keep reading and looking for the "THING" that will work for us, i know its out there!! Thanks again!
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by mountain
The so called "TALKS" have been of every kind, nice one's, informative one's, some with counsellors and relatives, and the list goes on. They dont seem to be helping and i think it is because it is a disease, like alcholism and drug addiction, unless she wants to help herself there is nothing more i can do but watch from the sideline and hope for the best. I appreciate the advice though and will continue my quest to REPAIR the woman i love! Thanks
True_Blue True_Blue
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

Huntingu1

Any former fattie (and I'm one of them) can tell you that losing weight is easy physically, but very difficult emotionally. You nailed it when you said "unless she wants to help herself there is nothing more i can do". That need for change must come from within - you can't will someone else to change.

If your wife is committed to losing weight, your support will be invaluable. But she has to want to change. If you've already had her meet with counsellors and she still isn't willing to change, it's highly likely that she will ever change - you only need to read some of the stories on this board to see how evidence of that.

You can't repair her. She has to repair herself.

mountain mountain
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by Huntingu1
I would like to make it clear that diets don't work! They work for the time you are on them....and not even then with some diets. She needs a lifestyle change and the only way to keep weight of is to look at the long living, lean and strong populations on our planet. Those people live an active life with low fat high starch (and only whole starches) intake.
The moment you stop the various "diets" and go back to your normal eating (animal products, dairy, processed foods, lots of sugar) you will gain the weight back, it has happend millions of times. Some people are strong enough to do a calorie restriction, but I would guess that would be only 0.05 % of our population....I am certainly not one of them
I wish you all the best.
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by True_Blue
Thanks Blue!
Artemis Artemis
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

they have to want to do it and really most of them don't, so you'll be waiting a very long time not having sex.

no easy answer.

sex is very important part of a relationship, what does she expect from you, just because she doesn't want it doesn't mean you can't go out and look for it, you have a right too, it is a basic human need.

be upfront and straight with what you want, you may find others in the same position, winks.
Diet Coach Diet Coach
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

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Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by Artemis
Thanks for the message Artemis, i think i know what i need to do just havent decided totally yet. Finding a partner that is in the same boat would be ideal but not sure if it is exactly what i am after, life can be difficult and choices are what makes life i guess.
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: I love my wife but am getting tired of her being so overweight!

In reply to this post by Diet Coach
Thanks coach i know i am not first and foremost but sometimes it is hard to just give up.