So after 20+ years of waiting, I told her I'm done. We have no intimacy, I cringe when she enters the room, separate beds, obesity etc. Mediation is tomorrow. We'll let the home go, there is no equity here. Kids are almost all growed up.
She asked me are you really gonna let the weight end xx years of marriage?
Why, yes, I believe I am!
How dense is that? Has she heard nothing? Has she not seen me moving farther and farther away. She is acting like this is completely out of the friggin blue.
It's looking better all the time.
Ron, sorry about that. Mine is really nowhere near that big, but it's the total refusal to modify, even missing simple things like grace, kindness, decent breath. She is also afraid that people will find out.
None of which me hanging around here being bitter would help. We told the kids today, I'm going to a separate room this week, and move out in the next few months.
I appreciate everyone's support.
Don't do it PB. Divorce is not only wrong, but harmful to children. Plus, the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Give your wife another chance. Solve first the hygiene problem and the other improvements should follow, including intimacy.
I'm very happy for you, Poolboy! I, for one, am so much happier after the divorce and so is my child. My ex is also happy- he is remarrying soon (good luck and best wishes to him).
I do not agree that divorce is necessarily detrimental to the children. This certainly has not been the case for us. We both managed to stay calm and at no point did we ever argue in front of our child. There was no drama or trauma.
Poolboy, good luck and best wishes for your future!
Thanks for comments!
The divorce is already underway. She received her summons today.
I believe that the divorce, and the opportunity to see their parents' happy, is more valuable to my now-nearly-grown children, than seeing two people sludge throughout the darkness only because they have become used to it and are now afraid of the light. I want them to know what love looks like, not the imitation/lie that we have thrusted upon them as part of our marriage.
I have met another person with similar viewpoints, and similar lifestyle choices. I am happier now that I have been in decades.
All the very best, Poolboy. And I agree with you that setting a reasonable example -- doing all that one can, trying honest communication, giving it time, but within limits, and then making one's decision and acting on it -- is a much better one for the kids to see than an endless martyr complex that devolves into hypocrisy.
Be strong, keep reasonable, smooth sailing -- even if there will be, no doubt, some bad weather, at times, to come. But may the sun shine on you, and may you enjoy it!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Divorce is absolutely wrong, MmeX; which means it is wrong even if the consequences of one were expected to be in some way beneficial to the parties concerned. Moreover, you pose a false dilemma: there are alternatives besides divorce and 'martyrdom.'
Sexy Mom and WU!
I think it is a great thing here. It's a pain working out new housing, but overall things are looking very good here.
Please post details as you can.
Wishing you both luck from So. Cal.
Thanks Poolboy and congratulations to you and to WuKong.
It feels odd having said it and actually done it. My oldest son supported me. My sooon to be ex husband seemed surprised at the timing but not at the fact...My son says that I should give him a chance if, as he has promised, he will "get on it"...frankly I don't think he will...he didn't seem shocked enough. I had been saying it for such a long time...I said it is my final decision and gave him time to come to terms with it. But it is over...
You've given him several. I don't know how the love can still be there. Mine was worn away a long time ago, but If you think there is still something there, then , sure, take your son's advice. But if you are like me, then staying would only be for a memory of a shadow long gone. There are brighter things waiting out the door, and I'm not getting any younger... Good job, and good luck.
So far, it looks like we are parting on good terms and are being very cooperative and supportive of each other. Communication is not too bad, probably better being that it is not backed with all of the tension of trying to force something to work that just won't.
We're going to finish out our lease and then go our separate ways. The plan is to do our best to stay in the same school boundaries and have the kids every other week.
I was willing to stay for them but, that's not good enough for her. She wants to be desired and romanced as if she were being and doing the things that would inspire that in another person. Oh well.
I'm both afraid and excited for the future. I'm looking forward to not being in a (committed) relationship. There's going to be a lot of difficult situations to come with our arrangement but, I don't really have a choice in the matter.
Apologies if the thoughts are scattered. Obviously the pending change has put a lot on my mind.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
I agree...I think he's even relieved now that the first shock has worn off...being a less than good husband in many ways has taken its toll on him as well... He just doesn't want to be alone and as I have assured him I will be there...but as a friend, he seems to think it enough...I hope in time he will actually start doing something good for his health too.
It's going smoothly and now all we have left is to set a timeline for the paperwork...before end of year probably.
As you say, it's scary but exciting and I needed the challenge.
Courage has a reward of bringing my dreams closer.