I must have been mad!

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Mojo Mojo
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I must have been mad!

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It’s been quite some time since my last post here. I had sort of formed an attachment to to this place that seems to have somehow been severed for the most part subsequent to my divorce last year that followed a near six or so year off and on again separation. Still, every now and then I find myself waxing nostalgic. I stop by occasionally just to take a quick look see and sometimes reminisce. This forum was a real refuge not too long ago when I was in a very dark place and at times my situation seemed utterly hopeless. I am grateful to MT and  others here who helped, each in there own special way, whether seemingly insignificant or not, it truly made a difference.

Recently, I happened to be doing a little house cleaning when by chance a came upon some old notes I had made for posting to MFS, but for some reason I never posted them. After rereading I think I now know why: I must have been utterly mad! (Maybe I was a little paranoid at the time about those men in white jumpsuits with huge butterfly nets coming to take me away in a straight jacket.)

 Anyhow, I found these old musings to be almost comical and certainly reflective of my state of mind at the time that had been affected by more than 20 years of fat marriage-Not that all was bad, mind you, I’m just thankful to have survived it with at least the better part of my sanity intact. I thought I’d share with any here who may have perchance missed the peculiar sense of randomness I sometimes lent to this site.


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It's done.  The papers are all signed, the subpoenas, the writs of summons served, the motions filed, and the henchmen paid for their dastardly duties.  Damn, it was a hell of a lot easier and infinitely less painful getting married than it was getting unmarried. Perhaps it should be the other way around-if Marriage was made to be an institution that required much more thought, effort, expenditure, and commitment to enter into than to exit out of, maybe there'd be less divorce.
I have often avoided this section of the MFS domain: dealing with the usual unavoidable and natural consequences that inevitably must follow these selfish gluttonous pursuits of ruinous overeating, poor diet, and lack of any meaningful vigorous regular physical activity or exercise, wherever they lead.  I did not want to have to confront this reality-nonetheless it would eventually come to confront me.

I suppose I had some foolish notion that ours was exceptional-we would somehow beat the odds. The truth is, even in marriages where both partners respect each other enough to maintain their individual physical health and attraction for the other, they still face many challenges related to a million of things. The problems we've confronted here rest at the core of every marriage if it will be happy and last-it is the foundation upon which the house is built. Even in arranged marriages, there must be some mutual attraction if it is to last and be a happy one. Otherwise, it is like a house build on sand(and the rains come...) But somehow I must have imagined, "Surely God or some Supreme Being will spare me and my marriage; He will make her stop eating all that garbage; He will make her turn off the tele, get off the sofa, throw away the bags of chips and buckets of dip and gallons of ice-cream, He will make her to get moving and make herself attractive and healthy once again.  

The reality is God does not do for others what they can and ought to do for themselves-neither can we. Believe me, if there had been a way I could have burned off the fat for my wife I would have tried it. Perhaps it is good that such a thing is impossible-imagine running daily marathons to work off that extra 100lbs. of your FS's and you come home on the verge of cardiac arrest, falling through the front door racing in a mad panic stricken dash into the foyer you rip the AED off the wall frantically preparing for 2000 joules of electrical energy to begin shocking you senseless, you hear the familiar calls from the kitchen...
You know all too well  another affair with the contents of the refrigerator and the pantry.
"Sorry Honey, I couldn't help myself you know; I put on another twenty lbs. while you were out running that last triathlon-oh, and Mum is coming over in less than half an hour with another  2 liter tub of marshmallow delux ice cream-so you better getting cracking if you what me to be able to fit into that sexy new lingerie outfit. Oh, and if if not to much to ask, how about running a couple extra marathons for Mum-you know since dear'ole Dad passed away last year she's gained an extra 40lbs that he was unable to lose for her, before he had his fatal heart-attack, and she simply has no one who can lose the weight for her."

The megajoules now coursing through my muscles causing every sinew to constrict near to bursting; my peripheral vision to blurs, streaming colored sparks like fireworks, an intense ringing pierces my ears. I wait for the tone of the charging capacitors and the monotone female robotic voice, "Clear, Clear, Clear". Only it doesn't come- Instead I hear what sounds like male voices screaming something at me-perhaps I've finally had the big one an this is it-It is then that I realize the three pairs of electrodes attached to my chest, back, and neck, are not from the AED, nor are they attached to the paramedic's portable Automatic Electronic Defibrillator, but they are Tazer Electrodes! The police are yelling for me to remove my hands from the woman's throat, but all three Tazers continually firing with the sound of a thousand rat traps snapping in violent succession cause my grip to only tighten further. Her hands grip my wrists-her fingernails dig in-I feel the blood trickle out and run down between my fingers which are in vice like manner griped around her throat like the coil of a python.   At this point the pain is in "white out"-numb-the construct of the conscious vision-pain begins to fade to white-the men yelling are all but inaudible echoes-I see her face-lips turning blue, her eyes bulging, the tiny vessels swollen near to bursting just like “The Bride” in Kill Bill just before the hammer drops. Then I feel the distinct blow of the rubberized lead filled trungon--All sound is silence, the field of vision narrows further, I feel the warm flow of blood fill my ear, rundown my cheek-it flows from my tear duct, drops of blood which join those now streaming from off my lips, they fall onto her cheek some touch her lips for a moment she looks almost beautiful. For a moment, she is the Bride.. fade to white...

Then I wake up in a puddle of drool on my desk. Ah! Merry Christmas! It was only a dream!-No a nightmare(or in this case a daymare). Then, feeling like Jimmy Stewart’s character in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, I open the window stick my head out and shout, Yes Virginia there is life after divorce! Ha!
I toss a shilling to the paperboy and tell him to buy the biggest goose at the butcher’s and to take it to Bob Cratchitt's. Instead he scoffs, jerringly looking at the coin lying on the ground and rides off muttering something incomprehensible under his breath. Oh well, today’s youth-they say that youth is wasted on the young...
Μολὼν λάβε!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: I must have been mad!

Mojo!!  Dear one!  Thank you for this.  I, too, have been away from MFS, but not as long as you.  I am struggling to leave my husband at long last--a full year after first posting here under "Sad."  Your words are very gratefully received.  And I share your thankfulness for this place and these people, listening so patiently and offering good words and honest thoughts amidst so much pain.  I hope that you are getting the joy you deserve.  I am descending further into pain at the moment because it is just so horribly scary to leave and I don't even know if I will be able to do it.  But thank you!  And all the best!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mojo Mojo
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Mme.X,
It is great to hear from you. I remember you very well, but I am sorry to hear that your situation has not changed for the better. Still, your avatar is much improved over the old one that was I'm sorry to say-Sad.
I am doing quite well, thank you very much. I have just been extremely busy, but I will try to stop in more often when I am able.

Here's some other notes:

The death of a marriage could be liken to the death of a loved one-a dear friend, a fellow brother or comrade loved one who became stricken with some terrible disease or cancer that slowly robs the stricken of all their former faculty or personality by which we had formerly come to know and associate.

Why do we morn for those gone past?
Perhaps because a part of us seems to die with them? It is likely no different for a marriage. Still, life must go on.

Take care, and cheer up. You are not alone, ever.


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Mr Blue Mr Blue
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What the heck?  I thought everything was going fine, that you guys were on the verge of sex and all the goodies that go along with it.  What happened, if you don't mind me asking?  This is a very strange and disturbing turn of events.  I would have sworn that you weren't coming around because your problems had been solved and you were engrossed in a 2nd honeymoon.  

Fatso continues to eat herself into oblivion.  Last night I opened the door of her bedroom to say goodnight and found her in the middle of devouring a cheesecake.  'Is there no privacy around here,' she bellowed.  'No other man I know would put up with your eating,' I responded, as I left her to her debauchery.

The principal at my children's school, going through a divorce, has started coming on to me.  She looked piteously at me and shook her (pretty) head when she saw me the other night escorting Rebecca at a recital, feeding her face with a large brownie.

I miss talking to you, Mme.X.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Dear Mr. Blue,

Thank you very much for your kind words.  No, I wasn't absent from MFS because things were so good.  I was absent because I was trying to finish my book by the end of November and swore off anything that would drain my writing time by writing what I wasn't supposed to be writing.  No, I did not finish my book (my paying job is too busy in November, and my life is full to the brim with everything else).

Yes, I threw myself at him in October.  Yes, I managed to elicit a momentary and fleeting reaction, even more fleeting when I tried a second time.  No, nothing happened after that.  And no, the swimming stopped right after the class (10 meetings, once a week?) ended.  Weight loss?  I can't tell any more.  I look hard and think, "Oh, he must be shrinking!" and then the next day, the dirigible shuffles into the kitchen and I think, "Maybe - not?"  

The other development was to have a rather heavy crush on a guy built like Adonis, who is also kind, good, and appreciative, but, alas, unattainable for geographical reasons.  And that was very good for me.  In addition to just having the delicious feeling of being appreciated and affirmed as a sexy woman, it made me realize that my crush on Mr. T. of three years ago was now a distant dial tone, and also that, holy cow, there really are men out there who would stand by their own passion and care about the women in their lives (I might have a rosy-colored picture of said Adonis, but still, he's real and very wonderful, and the woman who gets him will be very lucky).

Finally, it's coming up on the one year anniversary of my first posting on this site.  I remember thinking, "I'll give it a year."  Well, it's been a year.  My birthday's coming up in January.  I have been taking good care of my own body.  I do not have the energy or the inclination to try to "change" my husband.  I realize that his problems are his problems.  I do not want a scene.  I do not want to get mad or go crazy as an excuse to propel myself out of my situation, but I do want to flourish.  I have said it over and over in my posts over time here: I believe that I am here to flourish, as is every created being.  My life is a gift.  My choices are an example for my children.  I would not want them to go, as I have, for eight years without sex.  I am smart.  I am attractive.  I am fit.  I am enthusiastic.  I try to be reasonable.  But I can't flourish without that physical component flourishing, too.  I need sex, and not just "sex" but love.  I'm not into whatever kind of buddy DietCoach occasionally peddles.  I want an actual relationship in which I feel valued.  

I will always value my husband as my friend (I hope, unless he goes postal on me).  But right now we are buddies.  

Yes, there's the Catholic thing, Blue.  And lapsed Catholic that I am, I still do feel the weight of my decision to get married in a little church--one, the only one, that I cherished, one that I only discovered for two years and which now lies in rubble, sold, a casualty of the financial state of a scandal-ridden church.  And I work in a VERY Catholic environment.  So this situation will be enormously stressful for me.  But I stopped wearing my ring a couple of months ago.  I don't plan on advertising my situation.  And if word gets out, I'll just have to deal with it.

I can only hope that if God is love, then God will understand that my actions are not done for any other reason, and that it is not love to let my husband, or him who calls himself my husband, delude himself any longer.  So I'm moving out.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mojo Mojo
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This post was updated on .
In reply to this post by Mr Blue
   Mr. Blue, Sorry to hear your situation hasn’t improved. As for me, perhaps I could have been a little more descriptive on the update, but my time is very limited so here’s the skinny:
  About a little more than two years ago I was still holding onto hope that the situation would improve. We had been separated several times, but somehow always managed to get back together-usually after making promises of trying harder to give up the countless carbs and tons of sugar and ice cream. Then suddenly, and out of the blue she just gave up-threw her arms up and quit! No, not just quit-she told me under no uncertain terms that she was tired of trying to lose weight, that it was too hard, that she liked carbs, sugar, ice cream, cheese, and fatty foods and the way they all made her feel, that they made her feel good and she needed that, and she wasn’t going to try to stop eating anymore; and if I didn’t like it, that was just too bad-that I could get a divorce because she was never gonna change and she just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just love her unconditionally the was she was. So that’s when I threw in the towel and filed for divorce. She later told me that she didn’t think I would seriously do it, until the day she was served the papers.
   Fast forward-about six months after the divorce while visiting a friend I bumped into a gorgeous gal. It was like a bolt out of the blue-love at first site! I had never felt anything quite like it before except for maybe my first true love when I was sixteen(I almost married her when she turned 18, but her parents had other plans.) I had been casually dating since the divorce, but I honestly thought it would take several years to find someone I would be able to marry. Anyhow, the rest is as they say, history. We were married  several months ago and both are quite happy. We are still in the honeymoon phase, but I think we are both fairly well grounded in the marriage. Of course, we each have our own peculiarities, but we are so much alike in so many ways-it just plain works. What is really wonderful is that I now have a spouse who “gets it.” She understands me and she knows why I divorced my ex(My ex made certain of that, as she had to tell my bride rather bluntly, “He divorced me for no other reason than I just got fat!”. Boy, was my ex surprised when my bride told her she already knew that and had no problem with it, because she knew what it took to make a man happy and she was willing to do what it takes-namely, to take care of herself.)
   I wish I could tell you that it was all a bed of roses, but that would be a lie. divorce is never really easy, especially when kids are involved, but I can honestly say that for the first time in a very long time I am truly happy. I have a few more years before my youngest child will be out of the house, so there re bound to be concerns. About the only regret I have presently is that I didn’t do the divorce sooner. I really don’t think I did my children any favors by delaying the inevitable as long as I did. They later admitted to me that they knew all along that their mother and I had been having problems for a long time and that we were basically staying together just for them. The hardest part is not being physically close(in distance) to them as I was before my remarriage. So maybe, it would have been better to have waited to remarry for the sake of my children? I don’t know. Sometimes though, before you can properly take care of others, you need to first take care of yourself.

Good luck with your situation.
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Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Wow! Updates, updates... Good luck to all of you. My spouse is still losing. It just doesn't always seem like it because his face is losing weight more slowly. I crave cheekbones and a jawline! I still get mad and frustrated.
Bryman Bryman
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Yes!  I am totally digging on all of the updates.  Even the ones that didn't turn out as hoped.  X, I am sorry to hear that things ended they way they did.  However, I am glad that you were able to make peace with it.  From what I've read, it seems you really hung in there and tried to make things work.  That's admirable... and it's totally his loss for not taking the opportunity to become the man you needed him to become.  I wish you the best in your new life.  Buckle up.  Moving on can be rough.  But anything worth having often comes with hardship.  **hugs**
Mme.X Mme.X
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Thank you, Bryman.  I appreciate the hugs--and your kind words.  I'm not "at peace" with the situation by any stretch, but I'm taking one step at a time.  Thank you.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mojo Mojo
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This post was updated on .
In reply to this post by Slenderwife
Slenderwife wrote
Wow! Updates, updates... Good luck to all of you. My spouse is still losing. It just doesn't always seem like it because his face is losing weight more slowly. I crave cheekbones and a jawline! I still get mad and frustrated.
Slenderwife, I’m very glad to hear you seem to be having success with your hubby. Not all of us have been as lucky, though. You are fortunate in that your hubby appartly got the message loud and clear, and more importantly, he did something about it! Your story reinforces my contention that we all have a choice in these matters, but not everyone chooses to exercise theirs. Anyhow, it’s nice to see some new success stories being added to this site, however few they be, it must be comforting to those who are still holding out for hope. Keep doing whatever it is you are, because it's obviously meeting with some positive results. Best wishes to ya.
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Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Thanks! I don't want to jinx myself by declaring it a full-blown success story. Also, I have used methods to go about it that some might not agree with. A certain amount of manipulation. I cook for him as much as I can. I don't want to be unhealthy or controlling or unkind, so I'm always walking that line. You hear "they have to want to change". True. But there are ways to make them want it.

Nowadays, though, if you're not pre-diabetic, you're the exception!

It is funny to see where the fat comes off. Places where there was a skin fold, now smoothing out. His feet, in socks, used to look like shapeless lumps. Now they look like feet. His hands look more like hands, not like balloon animals.

Every now and then he doubts himself, or fate, or whatever, that he can take the rest of the weight off. I tell him it's not optional.
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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In reply to this post by Mojo
Mojo!
My man!
Happy New Year!

My own story is almost as good. I think I may have been an exit or two ahead of you on the highway through hell. I met somebody less than six months after the papers were signed. It wasn't exactly what I imagined, it was so much better than that! Slender friendly, sharp as a tack and such fun to nail! One of the more awkward moments I endured is when we ran into my former spouse when we went out to dinner one night. There was a surprise in it for both of us. At some point I'll have to come out from behind Matilda's skirt and give everybody the long twisted tale. It sounds like you were a little more straight forward with your former spouse and your new bride. I commend you for it. Your integrity has always come through in the posts you've made on this forum over the years. It makes my heart glad to see you have arrived untarnished. My fingers were always crossed for you. To those myfatspousers who haven't been visiting and commiserating with us over the past six years, go back read through the archives. Mojo always provided the forum with a voice of reason. His posts were straight forward and compassionate. If you've been lucky enough to receive a piece of advice from this man I hope you took it.

Mojo's story is not atypical. If you've had enough, the only regret you are going to feel when you finally make the decision to leave is that you didn't do it sooner. Feel it and don't forget it. There's a lesson there. When you've learned it, let the regret go.

The best stories on this forum are the rarest. The redemption tales. Every so often we here from someone who has beaten back obesity, saved their life and salvaged their marriage.

Once in a blue moon somebody explains how they finally convinced their significant other to get up off the couch and make some  changes.

I think my own story, Mojo's and Mountain's are the most likely outcome for the majority of the people who come here and try and figure out what to do. (Mountain was already divorced when she appeared on this forum, but I thought I'd mention her because her name begins with M too! ) I also happen to believe this is the best case scenario. Suffering in a marriage that has been so damaged by obesity and the feelings surrounding it may be a noble or even necessary, but only up to a point. We all have limits and it feels good to find them. As Mojo pointed out, you're probably not doing your children or your spouse any favors unless there's just no way they can make it without you. They're probably more aware of your resentment than you think.

Your next relationship may not be a fairy tale, but it might be a romantic comedy with quite a few good sex scenes and a happy ending.

Thanks again for sharing Mojo!

You made my night! I am ecstatic! Proud of you and in the words of the Happy Warrior, Hubert Horatio Humphrey,
"Pleased as Punch!"

May I place your post on the front page?
Mojo Mojo
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Matilda Tuesday wrote
Mojo!
My man!
Happy New Year!

...
Your next relationship may not be a fairy tale, but it might be a pretty good romantic comedy with quite a few good sex scenes and a happy ending.

Thanks again for sharing Mojo!

You made my night! I am ecstatic! Proud of you and in the words of the Happy Warrior, Hubert Horatio Humphrey,
"Pleased as Punch!"

May I place your post on the front page?
MT, Same to you also! I’m so very glad to hear from you also, and especially that you seem to be in a happier disposition. There is so much I would like to say, however, presently I have so little time. So, I will simply say for now many thanks to you and to all here at MyFatSpouse who have made a positive contribution in their own particular way in making this site a refuge from the world of refuse that otherwise pervades our current culture in regard to matters of health, wellness, and more specifically problems concerning obesity within marriage. I have really appreciated reading and participating in the frank discussions, and even in a few debates. The mostly uncensored commentary enjoyed here, I believe is simply not available(or allowed) anywhere else. So again, kudos to you, and to you all.

As time allows, I may from time to time stop by and share a few tidbits about my journey through fat hell. But perhaps the time will allow me to share a few thoughts with you while I soak up the last few vestiges of my Christmas break.

Presently, I suppose I’m feeling a little like Jean Valjean from Les Misérables who’s prison sentence was nearly the same length as my term in fat hell-almost 20 years. Not that my entire marriage was a living hell, there were many happy memories too-my children, for instance. But, I sometimes wonder how it might have been more joy filled had I not had to deal with the addictions with which my wife suffered and struggled so greatly. It certainly would be a different tale to tell-It probably would not have ended in divorce. Though, this is not the end, only a new beginning. Well, at least for me it is.

Now, for those who struggle with these things, if you be the one who suffers, the spouse of an obese partner, you have my empathy-and if you be the obese spouse-my sympathy.  I think I can speak for a few others hear as well, you have theirs too. I would not like to see any divorce, with but few exceptions. Marriage can be hard enough on its own, however, gluttony and obesity are matters that weigh on the relations between a man and a woman in ways which no other can. If sex is to be the barometer of a healthy marriage as some have advocated, then I can think of little else within the control of most sane adults that could be more damaging and damning than willfully allowing oneself to become obese to the degree in which natural sexual relations become greatly frustrated, or nearly impossible altogether.

This is a great problem that is plaguing much of the world, affecting millions. The solutions appear to be rather plain to most who are educated in these matters, however, those choices that must be made on a daily, even a constant bases, apparently are not so easy for many. I would add that I think choices themselves are not so difficult, rather it’s the “doing” part that seems to cause many grief. So, the way may not be easy-only it will be worth it. Unfortunately, it is often a hard thing to accept the fact that with it comes to obesity within a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, the ultimate responsibility is on each individual. It took me many years to finally get that-that I could not make my wife eat better, or exercise, or even loose one single ounce of fat-that ultimately, in the end it was her choice. The only power I had, other than offering my support, was deciding what I was going to do about the situation.

Now you know the rest of the story(or at least the juicy part), but it’s not over yet by any means. Life will go on just as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, but where we are when it does largely depends on the choices we make today.



Last, for now, yes of course MT you may place my post wherever you like.
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Andrea T Andrea T
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Mojo,

Would it have been easier for you if at say, year 10 she decided on her on it was a case of "can't or won't "  and  brought the divorce papers to you?

yorktown38 yorktown38
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Mojo Mojo
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Andrea T wrote
Mojo,

Would it have been easier for you if at say, year 10 she decided on her on it was a case of "can't or won't "  and  brought the divorce papers to you?
Good question, I don't know. Maybe.
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Mme.X Mme.X
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Dear YT38!  Thank you for these kind words.  They made me feel so good (if wistful).  I, too, wish you self-discovery and passion in the new year (I won't say "new" passions--since it's the old ones, I think, that are the best). Here's to love in 2013!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Wow!  I go away for a few days and what a cornucopia when I return!  These updates are amazing, including those from Person Behind Matilda's Skirts.  Am I the only one who imagines some great dinner at a deli in New York in which all the myfatspouse regulars get together and finally meet?? Okay, that would probably be a disaster, but still--it's amazing how vivid and alive and unique are the personalities that crystallize over time through mere words.  Words!

Well, wishing you all the best for a passionate, healthy, dynamic, open, free, and happy new year!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
WuKong WuKong
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Mojo,

Another update would be great! Hope to hear from you soon.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Mojo Mojo
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My big fat divorce. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Was it easy? No way!

Well, Here’s the update. I would have liked to have written back sooner and more often, but since the divorce I really have not felt much motivation to do so. It's as if a chapter in my life has been closed. It's sometimes painful to open or even discuss it. However, life goes on, though much more differently than I had ever imagined.
My time is very limited, so I'll need to be succinct. 
It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long since my last posting. The journey has been like an amazing roller coaster ride. It’s been about three years since the divorce was finalized-that was over 10 years in the making and involving nearly six years of off and on again separations. In hindsight the 20+ year marriage was doomed from the start. The divorce turned out to be a huge relief once it was final, however, it did not come without cost. Not just in monetary terms, but in emotional, mental, spiritual or energetic cost. Even after being greatly hurt by the abuses of obesity within a marriage, when living with and loving someone for decades there are certain emotional attachments formed thst are not ended merely with a legal decree enforced by a piece of paper. I'll have to ellaborate more on this in a later posting. Legally, I was free from the marriage, but you can’t divorce a family-nor should I think anyone would want to. When children are involved, those relationships are forever. Then when dealing with extended family relations things can get complicated in a hurry, and often times ugly as people are naturally inclined to choose sides and point the finger of blame. 
  
Now for those contemplating divorce, if you don’t have children I’d advise to get out now before you do. If you already have children then you need to weigh the costs very carefully. If you do decide to definitely get out I would not advise delaying. I found out later that I didn't do my children any favors by waiting so long to follow through and finalize the divorce.  
I still love my former spouse-she will always be the mother of my children and I will cherish many fond memories-but I couldn't live with her anymore. It wasn't natural. A marriage takes commitment to last and that requires effort by both partners on many different levels. When that doesn't happen and the relationship becomes lopsided it often can be like a wedge that divides asunder. I reached a point where I could no longer watch her destroy her body and wreck her health. The final straw was her unrepentant justification, eventually encouraging our children by her own poor example to adopt her own glutinous attitudes toward eating and over consumption that I found reprehensible.  
The one thing that probably complicated things the most was my remarriage so soon after my divorce-something I had not initially planned. I think in my mind it was as if the marriage was over 10 years ago after the first separation, but to everyone else nothing had really changed. I still lived nearby and was apart of the children's lives on a daily basis. I still went to school church, and family functions with my wife even though we were separated. However, after the divorce when I met my new wife, and then after our marriage the reality hit home for everyone-this time it was for keeps and there was no going back. Former friendships suffered as friends and family members polarized. I found out who my real friends were. 

Now, my new life is not without its challenges, but I can say with certainty it is happier. My new wife understands me-she gets it. She knows what it takes to make a man happy(or at least this one), and she acknowledges that and makes a concerted effort rather than just play lip service to it. Likewise, I reciprocate by doing my part. I provide the best I can financially, and among many other day to day things, I go to the gym regularly. We both support each other by encouraging one another to cook and eat healthy meals. We're not food nazis about it, as we will on occasion go to a nice restaurant and splurge, but we acknowledge it for what it is and adjust accordingly by cutting back and exercising more when need be. We both acknowledge that while we want it to last forever, if it is to be we both have to want it and work at it.
Will we last? That I suppose, only time will tell. However, if our acceptance of our own individual responsibility for making our marriage work is any indicator, I'd wager that we've got a pretty good shot. 
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