Just Sent Him THread From MFS

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chevalle d'or chevalle d'or
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Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Well, I did it.

I sent him the Post I wrote last summer "MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE LIVED THROUGH." He read the WHOLE thread. I also sent him emails I exchanged with a weight loss coach. He was hurt by it. He says it has changed him, but he wont say how.

Now he is leaving. We dont live together, but he is coming to get things he has stored at my house and then "getting me out of his head". He says he is going to work at becoming something I want, IF and only IF, he gets to that weight, he will call me. So, I may see him in a few months. Or a few years. Or never.

When we met, he was at 320. In 2 1/2 - 3  years he has gone down to about 260. That was with some plateaus and small yo-yos. If his weight loss had been consistent, he would prolly be to his goal by now. Its been like watching paint dry.

I sent him the posts so he could see and hopefully understand the dynamic where fat plays a huge part in everything we do, that it causes me pain and isnt just a neutral force in the relationship. AND I am not the only person who feels this way. ***So far all I think he understands is that I cant love him unconditionally.*** He doesnt want to be around someone whose negative view of him affects his moods so deeply.

I had told him here and there on several occasions that his weight was a problem. But I dont think he really saw the big picture.

I had wanted to "knock the fattitude" out of him. Because even though he is trying to lose weight, it was with kind of a "lahtidah, I'll get there when I get there" kind of pace. In the meatime, I'm getting more and more frustrated and tired of the rollercoaster: Hope, Desire, Repulsion, Despair. More and more, the despair winning out and being all I see.

M2 says in his post "THIS MAY HELP" to let go of the anger and resentment. How do you do THAT?????

This man is my perfect dream in a personality and my worst nightmare in a body. It must be a fattitude thing to really not understand the dynamic of fat and what it does to a relationship. Dont fat people look at other fat people and think, no FEEL:  Ewwww!

I guess I cannot love him through it. I tried. But it has been a difficult point for me since the first day we reconnected. Should have admitted defeat back then instead of investing these years and it being so painful.

Oh, well



 
FattiesRGay FattiesRGay
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Yeah, it sounds more like he's the one who is unable to love YOU unconditionally. If he did, he would be able to see things from your perspective. Especially as a guy. They're pretty much never cool with weight gain at all, so you'd think he'd understand. He should lose the weight, rather than shift the blame onto you. The fact that he left you to lose the weight is a huge red flag. Only someone who was all about themselves would do that. He's gonna lose the weight, find someone else, and swell to the size of a whale all over again. You're better off without him. Now you can work on finding a guy with an ace personality, AND a desirable body. Trust me, they're out there. Plenty of fish in this sea of slobs!
Mojo Mojo
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

In reply to this post by chevalle d'or
Well, I did it.

I sent him the Post I wrote last summer "MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE LIVED THROUGH." He read the WHOLE thread...
Now he is leaving. We dont live together, but he is coming to get things he has stored at my house and then "getting me out of his head". He says he is going to work at becoming something I want, IF and only IF, he gets to that weight, he will call me. So, I may see him in a few months. Or a few years. Or never.
...
I guess I cannot love him through it. I tried. But it has been a difficult point for me since the first day we reconnected. Should have admitted defeat back then instead of investing these years and it being so painful.

Oh, well




FattiesRGay is right.  As A Psych grad you ought to see that him leaving you is his way of calling you out.  It’s a spiteful power play to call your bluff; to see if you’ll go after him on bended knee begging him to come back-if you do, then in his mind he’ll be off the hook, scot-free to become as fat as he desires.  Also, he might have left because you’ve forced him to face the reality of the situation.  He has no real defense left and no were to run or hide except to physically leave.

Either way, he did you a big favor and has made it easier for you to get on with your life.  Thank him for that, then move on-and may you find greater joy in your pursuit.

Another thing, don’t be so down on yourself.  You can’t undo the past, but you can learn from it.  And love lost, isn’t love wasted.
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Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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In reply to this post by chevalle d'or
I hope you get a shot at happiness here. The waiting is always the hardest part. I know how you agonized over this. Remember, an unhappy marriage will shorten your life as sure as smoking or obesity. You've made a decision. Don't back down. Even if he decides he doesn't want to loose the weight, well that's just the way it goes. You never know. Even the losers get lucky sometimes...Best of luck to you too! Keep us posted.
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

I can't believe I quoted three Tom Petty songs in my last post!
Chevalle D'Or Chevalle D'Or
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

LOL! Tom Petty is worth quoting, Tilly.

Thanks for the support, everyone. If there is anything worthwhile others can learn from, then you will hear from me again. Otherwise, I think I will retire from MFS.

And, yes, OSO is not like other people. Dont even know very many skinny people like him.

Accidental and Mortified Visitor Accidental and Mortified Visitor
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In reply to this post by chevalle d'or
I do hope he finds somebody that will love him unconditionally.

Maybe you should look for some shallow but thin asshole for yourself - you've got plenty of choices on this website.
FishNChuck FishNChuck
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Lol, your fat.
WuKong WuKong
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In reply to this post by Accidental and Mortified Visitor
Accidental and Mortified Visitor wrote
I do hope he finds somebody that will love him unconditionally.

Maybe you should look for some shallow but thin asshole for yourself - you've got plenty of choices on this website.
I'll remember that if the improbable event of you and I getting together happens and I become an abusive alcoholic. When you complain, I'll remember to remind you that you are supposed to love me unconditionally.

Her fat husband is the abuser of that relationship. He's choosing his convenience and pleasure over her. It takes more effort to eat MORE than it does to eat enough. Your idea of a "healthy" relationship is disgusting and destructive. You expect that when people get in a relationship they have to put up with all of your bullshit. Who's the selfish one?

A healthy relationship is both parties DOING and BEING the BEST they can for each other, NOT being whatever the fuck they want and then demanding the other be okay with it, or even more outrageous, expecting to be treated or seen as if they were treating their partner and their relationship with respect. You know? That whole love and cherish bit. How you can claim to love or cherish another if you are unwilling to make any sacrifices for them? In fact, you go the next step and hold some entitlement complex as though holding someone hostage to your selfish destrutive behavior is a right and that they've wronged you when they are hurt by that behavior.

Fat is a choice. Because it is a CHOICE, it is a reflexion of a person's character. Eating too much, i.e. being a glutton, is no different than any other character failing. It's a conscious abuse of one's body and soul. No different than abusing alcohol, drugs, etc., etc.

Here's an idea. How about if I want others to love me and want to be around me, then I EARN that from them? I can't act like a jackass and expect smiles all around me. This goes for all behavior. Company, loyalty, respect and love from others has to be EARNED and MAINTAINED. If I choose to indulge in a behavior that pushes others away, I have to accept the consequences and responsibility for my choices. It is MY fault, not theirs, if I behave selfishly and turn them away.

This is obviously a rant because none of this will sink into a mind so emotional and full of entitlement.

"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
bana bana
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In reply to this post by FishNChuck
FishNChuck wrote
Lol, your fat.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha! roflmao!
Eric Bana is hot. Why? Many reasons. One reason is because he's not fat.
Mojo Mojo
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

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Bravo Wukong!

I also find it interesting how many among the FA throng confuse our seeming moral shallowness with intellectual honesty or plain frankness.
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yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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In reply to this post by WuKong
Wu Kong, you nailed it.  Funny, I don’t remember taking wedding vows which required that my wife and I unconditionally love each other.  If so, I got a lot of drinking, farting, gambling, and bumming around to catch up on!  Yeee hah!  Love me, love me, love me!
One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
Chevalle D'or Chevalle D'or
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

More and more I agree with "Mortified."

Any takers out there, shallow thin assholes?

How bout it?

:-P
Mojo Mojo
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Chevalle D'or wrote
More and more I agree with "Mortified."

Any takers out there, shallow thin assholes?

How bout it?

:-P
Maybe MFS ought to create a new subcategory for X-SO's of FSs' looking for love.  Who knows, it could turn out to be a real hit; most of us here have at least one really big life experience in common-and that's always a good place to start from.


Chevalle D'or,
   I got at least two qualifications: My wife says I can be a real A**hole at times, and that I'm definitely "shallow" because I don't love her the same way since she's gained over a 100+ pounds after marriage.  I don't consider myself "thin" though, rather somewhat athletic, muscular, or even just 'average' build(for an active working man-Not an Armchair Ranger), so would that count?
   But seriously, you ought not worry yourself too much about finding any "takers."  If you are fit, take care of yourself or make a sincere effort, and possess at least some basic level of attractiveness, then you are an increasing rarity these days, which means you likely won't be alone for very long-anything above this gives you all the more advantage.  In fact, I'd venture to say your most difficult dilemma probably will be deciding who to pick from among all those pricks.  Anyway, you're among friends here, so don't be a stranger.

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yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

In reply to this post by Accidental and Mortified Visitor
Accidental and Mortified Visitor wrote
I do hope he finds somebody that will love him unconditionally.

Maybe you should look for some shallow but thin asshole for yourself - you've got plenty of choices on this website.
I’ve been thinking about the nature of unconditional love, a love that accepts you despite all of your failings and shortcomings.  I think the closest we can come to that is the love we have for our children.  Even that has limitations.  If your child becomes a mass murderer, you still love the child on some level and recognize whatever good is present, but also recognize the evil.  You still love your child, but recognize that you cannot accept or condone his actions.  When the police knock on your door, you have to turn your child in.  

Similarly, if your spouse fails you by disrespecting you and his or herself by letting themselves go, there is an element of unconditional love there.  I love my spouse for her many wonderful qualities, but I’ve decided to not accept or condone the evil of her gluttony, at the risk of my sanity. Practically every post on this forum screams of the desperation of the fit spouse in facing the possibility of having to leave their spouse, and tossing the baby out with the bath water.  So, the love remains, somewhat diminished, but still present.  So, in that sense, is it unconditional love?  Or does unconditional love require a spouse to not only love and accept the other spouse’s failings, but also subject themselves to them?  Okay, WuKong, ready, aim, fire!  
One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Wikipedia definition:  Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions. The paradigm of unconditional love is a mother's love for her newborn.
Unconditional love is often used to describe the love in an idealized romantic relationship. It may sometimes also be used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships.

Hmmm...Interesting YHS because I have often used that same example for defining unconditional love - if one of my sons committed a horrible crime I'd visit them in prison the rest of my life because I've know them as the innocent children they were, however, they would surely have to pay the price for the crime and as much as I love them I would never lie or try to protect them from their consequences.

But is it humanly possible to love someone "unconditionally?" and if it was wouldn't the divorce rate be a lot lower than it is?  Wouldn't those "irreconcilable differences (sp?)" be able to be reconciled with unconditional love?  How about verbally and physically abusive spouses, do they deserve that same unconditional love?  Perhaps they have some sort of emotional issue making them that way.  Or the alcoholic/addict, out-of-control gambler or shopaholoic?  They destroy their families with their actions and if they refuse to stop do you just continue to love them despite their flaws?  I'm with WuKong....I think at this point in my life love, or anything else a person desires must be EARNED.  I honestly don't think it's possible to love someone unconditionally.  There are too many intense emotions involved.  What's the old saying....it's a think line between love & hate?  IMHO a marital contract is not a green light to do whatever one wants in the marriage if it adversely affects the other person.  Demanding to be loved "just the way I am" is selfish, self-centered and completely unfair.  Not to mention disrespectul of the union of marriage - when two people become one - so if you hurt yourself, you also hurt the other person right?
yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

LLW, you make a good point.  Perhaps I’m confusing pity with love?  In the context of the impending break up with my spouse, I still love, cherish and respect her many good qualities and I think I always will.  However, like the mother of a child who commits a terrible crime, I realize that I have to be separated from her because of her failings.  So, I guess in that sense, my love is conditional to the extent that it is not all or nothing, rather it recognizes the good in her (the earned) and rejects the bad (the unearned).    
One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Boy do I get the "pity" comment.  I stayed in a relationship that I knew was wrong for me way too long becuase I pitied the thought of the person being alone, all the while not considering that it was HE who was making the choice to be that way - not me.  

When I think about Love I think about the many people we all love and all the different types of love there are - the unconditonal love for our children as was mentioned (although there are limits to that too) the love for our friends, family, pets, jobs, hobbies, etc, but really the love we all cherish the most is the passionate and romantic love we share with a partner, it's something that's so unique and fulfilling that it's just a shame to go through our entire lives without it.  Or worse, to have it with somebody and then have it fade because our partner is unwilling to change what is indeed changeable.  That's the way I see it anyway.  I know life is not so black and white, there's a lot of gray in there but at the end of the day it boils down to we get ONE SINGLE chance at this....we better give it our best shot right?  That goes for the OSO as well - why waste this precious time (because we all know it flies by) being imprisoned in an unhealthy, unattractive body?!?!  Such a waste.  
yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

Yep, such a waste.  Before I knew it, ten years zipped by.  Ten years of hopes, promises and frustration.  Sigh ... all we can do is live our life today, learn from our mistakes and move forward.  Time does fly by, seems faster and faster.    
One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: Just Sent Him THread From MFS

In reply to this post by LiveLifeWell
Since you mentioned me and brought (back) up a very important topic when it comes to My Fat Spouse, I will respond.

You are right. When I say there's no such thing as unconditional love, I'm using the definition that is implied by those that demand that love from others.

No one is entitled to be loved. It is not a right. It is not right for a person to DEMAND love from another. Love, true and pure love, is giving, it's selfless. The question we should ask ourselves, sincerly and honestly, is "do I deserve to be loved? Why?" If there is something unloveable about us, something that we wouldn't put up with from another, it is completely selfish to demand a separate individual to overlook said problem. To do so would show that the demander does NOT love the other person as they don't give a shit about the other person's wants and needs and are just thinking about their own.

As you have probably seen countless times by others, they will use 'unconditional love' basically to blackmail another person to accept the unacceptable. They are NOT talking about love as defined as caring about another (such as in your example of a child). If that were the case, then I would simply respond that the Fit Spouse DOES love their partner unconditionally and are taking the actions of someone that truly cares about the well being of their partner.

As a simple analogy to compare love, which parent in the following scenario would you say loves their child more?:

Scenario - child stole from the local convenience store. The parent finds out. Neither the store nor law enforcement are aware.

Parent A - doesn't say anything to the child as they don't want to hurt their feelings and lead them to believe they are not loved unconditionally.

Parent B - confronts the child in a mature and controlled manner and has the child agree to pay for their crime by having the child take responsibility for their actions (has the child confess their crime to the store owner and has the child pay for or return the stolen item).

Truly and healthily loving another does NOT mean putting up with and allowing their shit. True love is the action of giving to another person. That giving means doing and being your best for the one you profess to love and it also means that you take on the responsibility of helping them be the best they can, even if that means sometimes calling them on their shit.

Another part of a healthy and loving relationship is respect. How is it respectful to allow another to be irresponsible, or in other words, act like a child. Being an adult means being responsible. It is not determined by age (difference between cause and correlation). An adult puts responsibilities before feelings/emotions. A child does the opposite. So, if a person in an adult body refuses to do what's right because it doesn't feel good, then they are being childish.

That's a bit of a tangent but, there's a lot of details in the overly simplified and abused phrase - unconditional love.

In any case, nice posts LLW.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
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