The denial is overwhelming. I am so tired of being blamed for our lack of a sex-life. Constantly told I have no libido. I do have a drive! I just can't even think about it with him without being utterly and completely turned-off. I try the best I can, but it just doesn't work anymore. With each new pound he gains, my desire plummets.
I can either be squished and suffocated underneath, climb on top of a giant mountain (this is NOT hot, pleasant or comfortable) or try another position until he quickly becomes out of breath anyway and wants to switch to being on the bottom anyway. Ughhh....
I love him dearly, but why can't he see this?! Open your eyes. Look in the mirror. Listen to me when I say "you are squishing me" or "you are too big for this". If you are so upset about the complete unexistence of sex, then lose some weight! Do something about it!
How can the denial be so outrageously clueless?????
Please no comments like "ewwwe...gross....how could you ever have sex with him?" You try because you love them, but eventually the reality just gets in the way. I am asking for advice from others who have gone thru this too, not adolescent comments.
Do a hidden video of you both having sex and play it for him! You keep the video so you can delete it.
For me, I did that without telling wife, but I was the big one 300 lbs and she is 125 lbs. When I viewed the video what I saw rocked my world....
I was revolting and looked disgusting. It was NOT what I had expected. Since that video at 303 lbs, I have lost 38 lbs. my goal is to get to normal body weight.
The more I lose (Married Man Sex Primer Book) - the more my wife responds. Yes, your dick gains an inch every 30 lbs lost. My stamina from running is stronger. Exercise has raised my testosterone. My confidence is back.
When you are really fat, mentally you are not really that fat. It took a video and seeing my wife give me unselfish love with a ginormous tub of lard for me to release that it was time for me to get my shit together.
All I can say stuck is been there done that. For years I did my duty as the tub of lard lay there staring at the ceiling eagerly anticipating her next sandwich. (She ALWAYS went down the kitchen after we were through.) I finally discovered that she was suffering from Female Sexual Impotence, her sexuality a casualty of her gluttony. So great is her love of food that not even that shameful episode has moved her to lose weight. In fact, she's packed on another 100 lbs.!
Your husband needs to man up and start taking care of his little lady again.
FS's idea is a good one... Although, I would not consider videotaping something like that. That might cross the line and betray his trust. However, I do believe that pictures and videos don't lie. They're a great way to snap someone out of their fat denial. Catch him at his worst moments when you're out with friends and send them to him. Better yet, post them on Facebook. It's easy now that everyone's got a smart phone. :-)
I am doing this with my wife... and it drives her crazy. Shame is a powerful motivator. When the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing... that's when most people finally get off of their ass and do something about their life. Here's a quick dialog that took place between me and the wife...
Wife: "Oh my god... You take the most hideous pictures!"
Me: "You say that about all of my pictures..."
Me: "Are you sayin I am not allowed to take pictures of you?"
Me: "Why not?" **This is the part where she has to 'fess up as to why she's acting crazy.**
Wife: "Because I'm fat... and I look hideous."
Me: "Well, OK then. I guess memories are not that big a deal..." **Walked away calmly**
Wife: **Stunned look on her face**
True story. ...and I haven't stopped with the pictures. Since then, she's been BETTER about her diet. Getting her to exercise is another challenge all together. I might have to kick it up a notch.
Any ladies on here wanna share some psychological jiu jitsu moves with me? I'll offer up some perspective on the male mind in exchange. :-)
My partner thinks he has a big sex drive. I think he just tries to imagine that he has one. That was true once upon a time, but now, 40 lbs heavier, he has T2D and big belly and getting it done is not easy, even when he takes Viagra. He is not ugly fat, has muscle everywhere, but stomach is big. He hates to move much, too. Out of breath, too. Lately, has had indigestion. I hope like heck it isn't early heart attack symptoms... Turtle
Hi, SIV. As ever, I sympathize! (except that in my case, sex is non-existent, which, after reading your and Turtle's postings, is looking better and better). Advice?! We don't need advice. We need magic wands! Happy pills! New spouses! I don't know! I have no clue in the world! I have been mulling over the picture/video option, which I've never had the guts to do. But in my case, my H's problem is not that he doesn't know how he looks--he readily admits it, which is why he feels too bad to go anywhere at all with sex, including 'step one: visit doctor." But I think that he knows it would just put us in the situation that you and Turtle describe, so I'm, at this point, almost grateful for it.
Have you tried counselling?
You try because you love them, but eventually the reality just gets in the way.
This sentiment seems the one you want to get through to him, and maybe a mediator of some sort would help?
Also, are you being nice to yourself? Making sure that you are flourishing as best you can with your own erotic energy directed towards greater things?
I can't offer any more than that, I'm afraid--that, and hugs.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
It interests me how much we all seem to love our spouses. I am tormented by my love for him yet also by fear that his eating habits will shorten his life. Maybe we feel too responsible for their choices. There again, I always say yes to sex and affection. It is at least a positive (and calorie burning) thing to do...
The video idea sounds very effective, if painfully revealing. Yet, how many OWs see themselves in photos all the time, still they continue onward into Gorge a Rama... I also have a very obese friend who insists I only photograph her head. Or stand in front of her, so her body is sliced up....not to mention she wears black and wants me to do likewise...
The video would not hide much, though. Unless he or she just remained under the blanket.
Or else leave out articles about OW people who were successful with weight loss. I read one recently about a very large man who ran a marathon.... Maybe positive inspiration is required .. LIATS