Nabble - Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum

My Take On Attractiveness vs. Fatness

2012-05-12T02:54:45Z

Ever since I can remember, weight, or rather, body fat, has been a big issue for me. Where most people will say that their awareness of body image started around middle school, I can remember being a first grader and noting with some disdain, love handles on otherwise thin people. By the time I was in middle school, I was embarrassed to seen with anybody who wasn't slim and trim. Naturally, I have always had a critical aspect to my personality, and no, I gave myself no breaks either, but my favorite aspect to turn my nose up at was people's excess blubber.

My first boyfriend was, predictably, quite thin. I even remember how on our first date, the first thing we did was go to a restaurant, and we ordered one of the leanest items on the menu, and even then we picked at it.

The problem was, by late high school, the effect of this extreme fat phobia was taking its toll. I was mortified of being fat myself, despite the fact that I was athletic, and started watching everything that I was eating. Which to the rest of the world basically meant that I was borderline anorexic. Think along the lines of the "health" nuts on Supersize vs. Superskinny. I won't go into details, but long story short, I was tired of being scared, tired of being depressed, and tired of feeling obsessive-compulsive about my food. After that, I turned it around. I stopped counting calories and measuring portions, and went back to my pre-craziness habits of no set rules for eating but just rough, common sense guidelines. I got my energy back and went back to my old athletic self. But that's a lie. I wasn't completely my old self anymore.

A couple of years after the peak of my fat phobia, I started dating a guy who was, believe it or not, fat himself. The funny part of it was that the reason I started dating him was because he had lost a significant amount of weight since I'd last seen him, so comparatively, he looked handsome, and, being in a sexually frustrated state at the time, I found his flirty behavior charming. In the end the relationship fell through in a bad way, but I learned a couple of things in the process, and don't regret having had the experience.

After that, I had a brief fling with a guy who matched my own athleticism, unsurprisingly, as we met at the dojo, but he moved away, and neither of us was keen on a long-distance relationship. It wasn't anything serious, just a general "you're attracted to me, I'm attracted to you, let's have at it" deal.

Since then, I haven't been in any relationships only because there are so many other things I want to do at this point in my life, and a relationship would only distract me and leave me irritable at having to tend to another person. However, a recent incident sparked a revelation in me, and made me question everything I thought I knew about physical attraction.

In my circle of friends, I'm notorious for listening to music and not knowing anything about the bands I'm listening to besides, maybe, the names of a couple of the members. It could be my all-time favorite band that I've been listening to for several years, and when one of my friends mentions the name of the lead guitarist, I'll say, "who?". Well, not long ago, I was lucky enough to go to a concert by a band I adored. In this case, I knew a tiny bit about the founder of the band, such as his name, and what I'd read in an interview with him, but what I was completely unprepared for was that when I saw him for the first time, this guy was huge, easily 300lbs, and the oddest thing was that I wasn't repulsed. Actually, I found myself thinking about what I liked about his appearance, and how I actually had a crush on him. The critical, athletic, fat-phobic chick had a crush on a clearly obese guy. How could that happen? It occured to me that I was so impressed with this guy's accomplishments and attitude that somehow, he became physically attractive to me. I know for certain that if his music hadn't had such a profound impact on me, or if I'd not known who he was, there's no way that I'd have found him appealing at all.

Presently, this leads me to wonder. Having come upon this site, and browsed through the blog entries and the forum, I have to wonder about all the people who complain about their spouse's weight. I get that you find athletic or slim bodies attractive. That's cool. But when you act like your sole unhappiness boils down to that you feel your partner is too fat for you, I can't help but think that you're oversimplifying matters. Is sexual attraction important in a sexual relationship? Sure, but in my own experience,if you have the respect for that person, if you like them enough, you'll find yourself attracted to them even if they're nowhere near meeting your ideal body type. After all, sex may be a big part of marriage, but aren't trust, mutual respect, and friendship also common values? And if you're getting married chiefly because you want a hard-bodied sex partner, that's your choice, but do yourself and your potential partner a favor and be up front about this before you lock yourself into a life where neither one is happy.

Just some things to think about.

Posted in Welcome To My Fat Spouse

From this morning's Science Times

2012-05-15T11:29:56Z

I don't know if a mathematical model makes the process more or less daunting, but here's a take on it...
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/15/science/a-mathematical-challenge-to-obesity.html

The article also includes a link to an interactive program to calculate what it takes to lose the desired weight:
http://bwsimulator.niddk.nih.gov/...

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.

Posted in Newspaper

Food for thought

2012-05-04T12:14:31Z

From the Manosphere:

"When I suggested divorce, people judged me. 'How could you end a marriage over sex?! There is more to a marriage than sex!' 'If sex is not an important part of marriage,' I'd answer my critics, 'Then why can't I have sex outside of my marriage?' No one had a logical response."

One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.

Posted in Is Divorce Out of the Question

Obesity could affect 42% of Americans by 2030

2012-05-08T08:33:22Z

When I go to the mall or Walmart it seems 42% of shoppers are already obese.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-05-07/obesity-projections-adults/54791430/1

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. H. L. Mencken

Posted in Newspaper

Excess Skin after weight loss

2012-03-20T07:39:08Z

Interesting article I read this morning on excess skin and weight loss. I can relate to this. One fear I had was having lots of lose skin hanging around after loosing weight. I have seen many of the gastric bypass patients with loose skin after extreme weight loss. I have none I can say which did surprise me as I went down. I think this article explains it all very well but may ruffle some feather.
Loose skin

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. H. L. Mencken

Posted in Diet & Exercise

Most Awkward Sexual Experience?

2012-02-28T14:30:33Z

The question is simple. What is the strangest or most awkward sexual experience you have ever had due to your spouse's weight/obesity? I expect a few answers should be fairly comical.

For me, it was admitting to my wife that she was too heavy to be on top, and that I couldn't handle her weight on top of me. It was either risk being suffocated by her body squished on top of me, or risk being suffocated by her with a pillowcase after I told her. Not a pleasant situation to be in.

Posted in Sex

Morbidly Obese = Larger Number of Knee Complications

2012-05-05T17:45:55Z

A novel study found that people who are morbidly obese often bear larger number of knee complications and find it tough to recover from a knee related surgery. The study observed a group of morbidly obese sufferers who suffered knee osteoarthritis and had undergone bariatric surgery.

The group was analyzed before and after the surgery. After one years of surgery, the sufferers informed considerable enhancement in knee pain and functions of knee. All the patients have lost nearly fifty pound in a year. An analogous study revealed that people who are extremely obese were at a far greater risk of complications, after total joint replacement therapy.

People erroneously thought that there was nothing they could do to diminish the knee pain or improve knee function. But now it is recognized that surgically-assisted weight loss can truly help patients with knee osteoarthritis because it lessens pain and brings about increased knee mobility, explained Michael S. Sridhar, co-investigator and resident at Emory University.

Obesity most likely causes irretrievable harm to the knees. People who have been morbidly obese may fail to benefit much from surgically-assisted weight loss because their knees have already been damaged by obesity, warned Dr. Sridhar. The study observed the findings after total joint replacement therapy in more than one hundred people who were extremely obese and in sixty-three people who were not obese.

People who were super-obese went through far elevated number of overall complications than did patients who were not obese, stated lead the research Ran Schwarzkopf, co-investigator and chief resident from New York University Hospital for Joint Diseases.

Posted in Newspaper

A new issue with my wife

2012-04-30T09:45:14Z

Over the past three years I went from being fat and sedentary to very fit an active. I changed my whole life and way of eating. My results have been great and I am very happy. I have had a difficult time convincing my very obese wife that her life will be better also if she begins to love herself as much as she loves cookies. Just a few months ago she finally got onboard with eating paleo 80/20 and has had amazing results. I know she does not want to really exercise yet but I am happy she is eating better. My new issue is she is very jealous lately. This is a strange new issue to me. I have been crossfitting for almost 3 years now. She says she is happy for me and proud of me. I went from 37% body fat to now recently around 6% body fat. I have muscles and abs for the first time in my life and I am no longer ashamed of my body. I am confident and no longer feel the need to hide my body. I used to be the fat guy with moobs as they say that always wore a shirt at the beach. Now I go shirtless of course and don’t even think about if people might be looking at me or making fun of me. I really did once worry about that. Now I don’t even care. So here is the rub now. My wife and I have had many discussions about weight, attractiveness, health and over all enjoyment of life. Her stance has always been weight does not matter to her and she does not think it is important. This is just an excuse I think. She is hypocritical in my opinion because as I have dropped to my current weight and fitness level I noticed she always wants to touch my arms, abs or shoulders and she wants to be held by me more often. I attribute this to my level attractiveness probably increasing with my leaner frame. In the last 3 months she has become very jealous. The people that go to my gym all tend to friend each other on facebook. I get friend request from men and women all the time from new members. When a women at the gym friends me she will investigate this women and ask me about her. She never did something like this in the past when I was fat. I coach at the gym sometimes and I am noticing that she is always checking my email and facebook page to see if the women at the gym are talking to me. I have never given her reason to doubt me and I have never cheated on her once nor ever really thought about such a thing. I grew up in a religious family and it influenced me as an adult. I would never cheat on her and I avoid situations that could even look inappropriate out of respect for her. I actually really do not care that she is checking on me because I have nothing to hide but I do find it ironic that she says looks do not matter but as my fitness level has increased greatly she fears other women might find me attractive. So is her statement that looks do not matter just a lie she tells herself to excuse her weight and fitness issues?

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. H. L. Mencken

Posted in Share Your Frustration

Her tattoos are now warped

2012-05-02T11:37:47Z

My girlfriend, when I met her, was 124 lbs at 5'6.

She has a tattoo of the rays of the sun surrounding her belly button, and a butterfly on her back midway down.

After gaining almost 40 pounds, the sun now skews sideways, and the butterfly is buried in a roll of back fat.

It would be comical if it weren't MY girlfriend.

I could post pics, but that would be cruel....

Just venting.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

A True Story of Motivation

2012-05-01T18:28:58Z

There was a douche bag businessman in the town I lived in. He was a fat ass -- one of these large and in charge types. This guy deserved shit so we gave him shit. We would call him up using different voices and say, "You're fat". We would do it sometimes with a lead up such as, "Bob, this in the manager of the 7/11 and a couple of kids just came in and they said, "you're fat" " Once we said, "This is Dave Johnson from county weight and measures and we have determined that you're fat." If his wife answered we would tell her to tell him that he's fat. This went on for over a year.

He lost weight. His ego could not handle it.

Try it with your fat spouse. Get your friends to use Google phone so fatty can't trace it. It will drive him/her nuts. Have them add things like you are disgustingly fat. Lose weight pig or simply oink at them.

This is about changing behavior. There is no effective positive reinforcement that can replace food so all that is left is negative reinforcement. Ask a couple of friends to do this. Just try not to get caught laughing when he/she flips out.

You can also send him/her email that say in the subject line, YOU'RE FAT!

Posted in Motivating Your Spouse

An Interesting Perspective On Fat Girls

2012-04-22T18:37:14Z

I can't say that I agree with the assertions based on my experience observing fat girls but perhaps different fat girls in different localities behave differently. Maybe in places like NYC where fat girls are rare and therefore more desperate they would behave with a bit more humility but in areas where most females are fat perhaps fat girls are more brazen because they lack the competition form attractive slender women.

What are your thoughts?

http://no-maam.blogspot.com/2004/02/bonecrker-57-approaching-fatugly-chicks.html
Approaching fat/ugly chicks can be seriously harmful to your self-esteem. They are no more likely to find you attractive than a Pamela Anderson look-alike, and you will feel like total shit when they give you that, “get away from me you loser” look. But, it gets worse….MUCH worse. Fat/ugly chicks assume that if you are paying them any attention at all, you must be such a fucking loser that you can’t get anyone else…..and they treat you like it. Of course, this does zero to affect their sense of entitlement. In other words, you are a loser for wanting someone so heinous but they are still a princess, even though they ARE heinous. Plus, women who are fat/ugly are usually INSANE. They are into suffering big time and want to take you along for the ride. Unlike men who are usually fat because they eat too much, women are usually fat as a side effect of serious personality disorders that manifest as bulimia (binge eating, with or without vomiting), drug use and other fun stuff. Stay the hell away from women like this.

Women often bitterly complain that they are discriminated against if they are fat. But, it’s not true. A man who is fat has no chance with women (unless he is in the criminal scum class….but that’s another story). But, most fat/ugly chicks have a man. The people who discriminate against them are other women, not men. However, many men learn the hard way that they aren’t just fat, they are demented assholes. They give them a chance, often giving several fat women a chance, only to be treated like total dirt in the most fucked up situations. So, they learn to avoid them (at least I have, lol). It’s this issue that makes men avoid fat chicks, not their weight

Posted in Sex

Young guy in a long term relationship w/ overweight GF

2012-03-31T21:18:25Z

First off, I just want to say I'm really glad I found this site! I'm happy to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with having an overweight significant other. Sorry if this post is rambling, but I've held this in for years. ;)

Anyways, I'm currently twenty-five years old and in my last semester of law school. I've been dating my girlfriend for about four and a half years, with little breaks along the way. We've been living together for four years. I graduate in a few weeks, but my girlfriend is a year behind in school, so we will live separately for a year after I graduate.

She is 5'1-5'2 and about 180 pounds. When we first met, she was 19 and about 120 pounds. When we start dating, she was 20 and about 140 pounds. She gained the rest of her weight really quickly after we started dating.

We got serious pretty quickly so I was at her place all the time. I think she gained a lot of the weight because I did most of the cooking. I made a lot of pasta(being a cheap student), with plenty of cheese, sauce, etc. I think that's how she gained really quickly without me realizing it.

After a while I realized that she had gone from being slightly overweight to obese. I've never told her that she's fat/overweight. She's extremely paranoid and self-conscious about her appearance. When she asks me about her weight, I go through verbal gymnastics so that I don't lie to her but don't tell her the truth either. Her parents constantly put pressure on her to lose weight, but that just results in her being depressed. For 2 years, I never put any pressure on her to lose weight, but over time I have put more and more pressure on her. I justify it on the grounds that it will make her feel better about herself, it will improve her health, etc.

She's made a few attempts to lose weight over the years, but they usually end up failing. Diets are too hard to sustain, and she cheats constantly. I try to get her to exercise- sometimes it results in fights. Sometimes, she does work out, but only for a few days. She always make excuses on why she can't workout- either she has a headache, she's tired, she's sick, etc. The work out gym at our complex is too small. The campus gym is too big. She occasionally has been able to work out consistently, but only for a period of a 2 or 3 weeks.

We eat 90% of our meals together, and she typically eats the same or more food than me. She often gets the most fattening things on the menu, which disgusts me. She often gets "extras" ie if an item comes with 2 sides, she will get a 3rd (fattening) side (e.g. mac and cheese). It literally upsets me when she gets more food than me or gets extra portions fatty food.

Many times throughout our relationship she has insisted that she would start working out hardcore soon. Usually, for instance, she would say "Okay- summer is coming soon. As soon as the semester ends, I'm going to work out every day." And then summer starts, and she says "Okay- I'm going to start working out next week." Etc. She's also fond of telling me that she "just needs to get obsessed with working out, like when I was a freshman and worked out 1 hour every day." I've tried every possible method to get her to work out, but they always fail.

In her latest effort, she has been attempting a diet for the past month or two. I tried to bribe her to work our 1 hr per day and eat 1000 calories by spending hundreds of dollars on pursues and shoes. She was only able to work out for 2 weeks or so. We fought constantly. She hit a deep depression and was absolutely miserable because of the working out requirement, so I said she could stop if she wanted. She said she would make a good faith attempt to keep working out, but hasn't worked out since.

She makes a half decent attempts at maintaining the diet- for instance getting salads and wraps. But she will often get fattening versions of salads or wraps- e.g. ceasar salads. She has probably lost about 5 pounds, but I know she will re-gain it based on past experience.

The worst thing is that she terrible self esteem based on her appearance. Her low self esteem hurts out relationship in many ways- she hates doing so many things(e.g. going out) because she's ashamed of her weight. She is ashamed that she used to way 110 pounds and used to be really fit and work out every day(when she was a freshman in college). Because of her low self esteem, she spends a shit load of money on purses, shoes, etc. to make herself feel better.

Meanwhile, all of this has gradually taken a toll on me. I find myself no longer attracted to her. At school, I find myself attracted to all the girls around me who wear cute clothes that girls in their twenties typically wear, whereas my girlfriend wears ugly, clothes that cover her up. When she was even fatter, she had to wear xxl or maternity clothes. A couple times strangers thought she was pregnant(she is less fat right now). I often think about other girls who I could have pursued- girls who liked me and were skinny and were otherwise desirable. I fantasize about breaking up with my girlfriend.

We fight a lot about food and what she eats. I do have to admit that for the most part she has moved away from overtly fatty food. But she often replaces it with deceptively fatty food(e.g. salads or sandwiches with fattening sauces/dressing, or large quantities of healthy food). I'm naturally skinny, and I love going out to restaurants, but I avoid them as much as possible because I know she will gravitate to the most fattening items, will insist on an appetizer, etc. Or we will get in a fight if I suggest getting healthier items. She hates it when I prepare healthy food for us, or insist that we eat healthy food.

I hate having sex with her and normally think about skinny girls from school when doing so. I always make excuses to avoid sex, and turn off the light when I have no choice. It really bothers her that I avoid having sex. I tell her its because I don't crave sex, but its a lie.

As sad as it is, I'm often ashamed to be with her in public. I notice even loser/weirdo guys have skinny girlfriends/wives, which hurts my self esteem. My girlfriend is probably in the bottom 3% of the most obese girls at my school.

All this being said, I do love my girlfriend- I just don't find myself attracted to her. I delude myself into thinking that her half-assed efforts will pay off, but I know they won't We're going to be living apart this summer as I study for the bar and she works a summer job about in her hometown about 25 miles away. She has told me that it will be easier for her to work out with out me being around pressuring her. She plans on walking a lake with her mom every day for 2 hours. She tried that last summer, and she was able to do it for about 3 weeks before quitting.

Our relationship is obviously at a crossroads- given that I graduate soon and we will be living apart. I don't want to throw 4.5 years down the drain. I know she is capable of being skinny based on when I first met her, her prior history of working out and running high school cross country. But as she is currently obese, I am definitely unhappy since I am no longer physically attracted to her.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

Fat girl breasts (bigger isn't always better)

2012-04-22T21:34:35Z

When my fat girlfriend was skinny, her breasts were one of her best features- they were big, but not grotesque. They did not sag; they were nice and round. Not sure what size they were exactly, but they were large.

Now- they're huge, saggy, and gross. They are size 38DD. My girlfriend typically wears sports bras because she says that regular bras are uncomfortable. She had a couple Victorias Secret bras that she bought a year ago, but she doesn't wear them because they she says they're uncomfortable also. (I wonder if this typical?)

A couple days ago, she disappears at the mall for a few hours. She comes back with several bags. She bought $700 worth of bras- all different colors, types, etc. She even bought some that make her breasts look even bigger.

She is very proud of her breasts- but personally I find them gross due to the fact they sag so much. She says that wants implants(!!!!) (I would recommend a lift, not implants).

The funny thing is, I used to be a fan of big breasts. But since I've dated my girlfriend, I now prefer a more petite look. I guess that's the impact of looking at gross, saggy breasts all the time.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

Please define "fat" (reposted - sorry!)

2012-04-30T00:52:07Z

I'm new here and trying to gauge what is acceptable behaviour as a partner. I'm confused as to what is acceptable weight gain over periods of stress and life change. I am currently a student and have experienced considerable stress over the last 4 years, and have not been happy with my weight over this time. I have found it nearly impossible to regularly exercise and manage school.

I am 5ft 4 and have weighed between 135 and 145 pounds most of my adult life. I had with my partner for 9 years when we ended it. The first five, excluding about 8 months, I was active and fit. The summer before we broke up I probably was at my heaviest at maybe 147. I have always identified as athletic and have demonstrated this over the course of our relationship, at times being very fit and active (running, cycling, team sports, spinning classes, gym attendance, etc), and at others, less so. He said he was afraid I was an emotional eater and wouldn't state it, but I'm pretty sure he was afraid I would get fat if we married. We would joke about my hatred of the word "savour" as he would make one piece of chocolate last 20 minutes. It was a little 'holier than thou' and would make me feel sensitive around eating treats around him.

His mother struggled a lot with her weight and he was impacted by its affect on her. I have been vegetarian for 10+ years and prefer healthy meals. I did much of the cooking, often choosing meals to please him, rather than simpler meals involving foods like kale that he did not like. He could eat anything and gain nothing. Sweets stick to me, and the summer before we broke up, I was spending way too much time hovering over the Nutella jar.

I have never been a "skinny" girl. I'm curvy and more of an athletic build. Some guys like this, some guys don't. He never told me that my body was unattractive to him, but he didn't tell me it was attractive either. During our break-up conversation he told me that the fitness of my arms affected his desire, as in his ability to be attracted to me was directly related to the tone of my arms. I accused him of thinking I was fat and he didn't deny it. The women he is interested in dating, as evidenced by who he 'friends' on facebook, are all women with very skinny arms and legs -- a body-type which is unattainable to me. In tears, I told him that I was afraid of losing my youthful beauty (I've recently come to that point in my young female life that pretty faces don't last forever) and he told me, to supposedly cheer me up, that I could always go to the gym.

I am now at the lower end of my weight spectrum, at 136. I am *really hurt* by the thought that if I gain 10 pounds I am sexually repulsive. Arguably, while my weight change is narrow, the muscle tone has varied greatly. Is eating a whole box of cookies once in a while really such a big deal? Is emotional eating really such a big deal? Just because I make myself feel better with a cookie, and a guy does it with beer and some chicken wings, am I somehow less disciplined and assumed to balloon when I get married?

I know now that cooking to please your man, even when they are vegetarian meals, is dangerous. I want my partner to think I'm beautiful well into old age. There is so much anxiety as a woman around beauty and weight and aging. You end up feeling crappy about yourself, which does not help with motivation for exercise. I don't really feel like I can win.

Posted in Q&A

Weight Watchers - 3rd Time a Charm? Most likely not

2011-11-20T14:07:10Z

Well, my wife has decided to try out the WW for the third time. If history repeats itself, this will last for two to four weeks and result in no obvious weight loss - when you are 107 pounds above the healthy range, even a 10 pound loss is unnoticeable.

Even if I were to get my hopes up and think she could lose 50 pounds - she would still have a BMI of 35 and be in the severely obese category - not to mention were is all that excess skin from her panniculus, 42DD's, and all the other unsightly places go?

The pain of the addiction has to be greater than the pleasure before one is motivated to change

Posted in Motivating Your Spouse

In Search of the Perfect Human Diet

2012-04-06T18:34:43Z

Posted in Gallery

Fat American girl sues pub because they wouldn't let her dance on the bar

2012-04-30T12:59:13Z

Fat American girl sues pub because they wouldn't let her dance on the bar

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2136824/Jordan-Ramos-College-students-outrage-bouncer-wouldnt-let-dance-Iowa-City-bar.html

One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.

Posted in Newspaper

Please define "fat"

2012-04-30T00:24:23Z

Posted in Q&A

How to go about an affair

2011-08-18T19:07:31Z

I know this is a sore topic, so if your anti affair, just ignore this post. If your in the same boat as me, fat wife, doesn't do it for me at all, but still have needs, maybe you can help. What's the best way to start an affair? The key requirements though, are she can never, ever find, out, so as low risk as possible. Just curious if anyone had any ideas other than the obvious, I guess bars, or that affair website (wife checks credit cards). Anyway, let me know, thanks!

Posted in Considered having an Affair

My fat girlfriend broke up with me (Thank you MFS)

2012-04-25T20:25:02Z

Things have been frosty between me and fat girlfriend for the past few weeks, ever since we started bickering daily about her weight. The bickering eventually stopped when my girlfriend sank into a deep depression(I stopped nagging her about weight because I figured why kick her when she's down- some might call that enabling behavior).

Since she sank into her deep depression, she's been isolating herself in her room, avoiding talking to me, etc. The last few days, she's been feeling better- she's gone on a couple spending sprees, has started tanning***, spending time with friends, etc. Then, yesterday she says- "Can we talk in my room?" I say sure.

We sit down her bed. She says "Do you remember what really serious thing I said the other day?" At first, I'm not sure what's she's getting at. I say "Are you talking about you calling me cruel?" (She said that I was being cruel by bribing her to work out and diet) She says "No." Then thinking deeper, I say "Is this about going on a break?" She says it is- more than a break, actually- it is "breaking up for the summer." She cries a little bit. I don't. A minute or two later, I leave the room, returning to my studies.

We've been dating for about 4 1/2 years. Along the way, we've had good times and we've had bad times. Recently, it's been almost all bad times. Recently, my attitudes to her have been a mix of annoyance, disgust, grossed out, and embarrassment. And, setting aside the weight issues, she's made several choices over the course of our relationship that would have easily caused break-ups in 99% of relationships. I know this relationship can't and won't work.

Yet- I still have place for her in my heart. I don't know if I "love" her anymore. A lot of it is just an artifact of all the time we've spent together. The sacrifices I (foolishly?) made for her. How I wanted it to work, and I how hard I tried to make it work. (Although for the last year or two, I've been much lazier at making it work compared to the first two years)

I also feel a lot of "guilt" (that's not quite the right word, but close enough- I know I've done nothing wrong). Or, rather I feel bad for my now ex-girlfriend. She's piling on a crap load of debt; because of her various problems she is unlikely to land a decent paying job to pay down her debt. She harbors fantasies of taking pre-med classes and going to med school, but I know that is an impossibility(she's awful at standardized tests- and she's in the bottom 1-3% of the law school class and only got into a good law school due to diversity). Her support system isn't very good and she has strained relations with her family. She's probably fucked in life unless things really change. I could go on and on.

I guess I could view this all as some sort of lesson. But right now, I have to admit that I'm bitter and not in a reflective mood. I missed out on a lot of fun times because of her; I became alienated from my friends because of her; I made (potentially) career limiting moves because of her; I suffered along the way because of her. I wasted years of my life. I missed out on tons of interesting, smart, sane, and good looking girls along the way, some of whom were actually interested in me. All to be with a terrible person.

We've gone on breaks before, but this one is different. There is zero chance I'm getting back together with her, even though I know inevitably she will beg, as in the past.

I have to thank this board for changing my resolve. Out of a desire to protect her privacy, I've never opened up to ANYONE about my ex-girlfriend besides this board. And quite frankly, I've only shared some details- and the response I've basically gotten here is "What the hell are you doing with her? Are you crazy." That's helped open my eyes(even though I knew my ex-gf was crazy), so thank you to all who have responded to my other threads.

*** My ex-girlfriend engages in a lot of erratic, and often contradictory behavior. For the longest stretches of time, she would refuse to do anything outside because she said she preferred to be pale and white "like a China doll." When I had first met her, she had a deep tan, but as she got fat, her tan faded and she insisted on staying inside all the time. Now, she's spending a crap lot of money on tanning. She's probably going to be orange soon.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

Fat people, normal people

2012-04-26T06:54:11Z

Big people, not attractive:

Normal people, quite attractive:

Punchline? Same people. Weight loss and better health, what a miracle.

From The Private Man Blog http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/insatiable-with-work-safe-photos/

One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.

Posted in Gallery

Fat Men Cheat too!

2010-01-20T11:14:15Z

I think my husband is having an affair with a beautiful 22 year old and rather than confront him all I can do is think about them…

Sometimes I call her phone and hang up or look at her pictures on her facebook page or read email and texts between them and think about how much it sounds like she loves him and I just hate her so much. she is 15 years younger than me and already on track with her career and she looks like a model, she is thin but with curves and a beautiful face and I’m still at least 50 pounds overweight. I’ve figured out so much about her from her facebook, like she’s training to run a marathon and has 2 brothers that she adores and I just want to hurt her. I’ve even thought about trying to find her parents names and calling them to let them know their daughter is having an affair with a married man or calling her work. I’m so scared my husband will leave me for her, he never talks to me anymore. My husband is fatter than I am. I just don't get it! Does she think he's rich?

Posted in Considered having an Affair

Clothes Shopping Is A Pain

2012-02-23T19:29:19Z

My wife has always forced me to shop for her, and with her. Granted, it's awkward to begin with to buy clothes for your wife in a store permeated by pink, lace, and frills, but after she's gained weight, it is significantly worse. She's 5 ft 3, and when we first met she was 110 pounds and a size 2. Now she's 260 pounds, and a size 22. For Valentine's Day, I bought her lingerie; the underwear was a size 2x. I surprise her with the gift, only to find out that they're too small, and she now needs a 3x, which means I must suffer through the task of buying her new clothes...again. I love her, but it's just downright embarrassing to have to be shopping in stores like Lane Bryant and asking for sizes as large as a 3x.

Have any of you ever encountered a situation like this? I'm just not sure if I can put up with th embarrassment and awkwardness much longer.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

What's up?

2012-04-18T19:22:07Z

Things seem pretty quiet on MFS, so I'll go ahead and ask for updates... YT38, you've been reporting success with getting your wife on paleo and is it still working? YHS, what's happening with your wife and how are you doing? Andrea, you and husband are getting fitter and fitter--oh please don't leave us. Rosie, so what's the progress on the divorce? In fact, we need a divorce thread. Not just "are you thinking about it?" but "ok, so how did you do it and what happened?" Of course, by that time, people probably want to skedaddle out of here. Still, it's a good deed to stay in touch. Blue, did you watch the Superfat/Superskinny thing that MT posted? When I did (it's awfully good, and I say that as one who hates 'reality' t.v.) I felt crummy about challenging your veracity after watching the 400+lb mother and daughter--they exist! But I wondered what you thought of the mother of the 500 lb (or whatever she was) Arizona woman, who lives with and supports her daughter. LLW, what's happening with you?

Here, I'm so busy I can hardly handle it. It's crazy how the sheer logistics of life, of having work and family, make it so easy to put emotional issues on the back-burner. Last weekend it was my son's birthday, the weekend before that, a work deadline, etc. etc. My husband and I have fallen into the pattern of having a weekly conversation on the weekends when we're both home. Those feel as though they are getting to good places--we're getting to the point where we can talk about things and he doesn't blow up. We're moving slowing towards getting him to talk about his needs. I no longer talk about my needs and burst into tears. [edit!: I mean that I no longer "talk-about-my-needs-and-burst-into-tears," not 'I'm now always silent and sobbing." Don't you love ambiguous syntax!!] I feel somehow a bit stronger, although it is hard to explain why. (Somehow, the new user name feels right, and the avator feels very right). I feel as though I really could leave the marriage and have wrapped my mind around doing it matter-of-factly if the glacial pace of our progress is too hard to bear. But I'm not at that point. I haven't given up on the marriage. Somehow it still feels as though we're working at it. It's so hard to rush things, you know? Life is so busy. Problems are so complex. I don't feel abused. Just a bit neglected. And, dang it, wasted. So thank you for anyone who has said nice things to me.

There. That's my update. Best to all.

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.

Posted in Q&A

Lying to Your Significant Other About Their Weight

2012-04-19T23:04:58Z

A few minutes ago, my overweight girlfriend comes home drunk. She strips down to her underwear and begins throwing up. Luckily, her aim is pretty good and all of her vomit ends up in the toilet or a trash can. In between puking sessions, she asks me: "Can you be honest with me? I am much heavier than when we first met? I probably won't remember your answer."

The answer, of course, is yes. You've gained about 60 pounds.

The answer I give: "A little bit." This satisfies her and she goes to sleep.

This got me thinking: Why do I lie to my girlfriend about her weight? I do it all the time. Whenever she asks me if she's been gaining weight, most of the time I tell her that she's holding steady. If she asks me if she's lost weight compared to date x, I say yes, yes you have, even if I have no idea, or even if she's stayed the same. Lots of times I engage in Orwellian double-talk to avoid lying, but to avoid telling the truth.

I think the reason I lie is because when I tell the truth, fights inevitably break out. Responses to the times I have given more honest answers:

"Are you calling me fat!?!?!" or "Are you saying I haven't lost any weight even though I've been dieting and working out?!?!?!" etc.

The hardest questions come when the question is about attractiveness or beauty. I find it impossible to tell her the truth that I find her less attractive than she used to be, even though that's the honest truth. But I know that admitting this will destroy her already fragile ego.

I'm more apt to be honest when I bring the subject on my own. For some reason, that's less likely to cause a fight than in response to a question from her, although I always have to carefully couch my language whenever I discuss weight/exercise with her. For instance, whenever I discuss losing weight, I always discuss of the health benefits of working out; or the improvement in self esteem that will come from working out. I never flat out say: You need to lose weight because you're obese.

I guess the reaction from a lot of people might be that I'm facilitating my girlfriend's obesity by not directly confronting her. But the truth of the matter is that my girlfriend is extremely self loathing about her appearance. She is aware that she is obese, and in fact she calls herself fat. She accuses me of wanting her to lose weight so that "she will look like the skinny girls at school" (which is basically true). While this may be true, I know the result of admitting this will be crying, fights, and inevitably self-destructive behavior, so I deny it.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

My husband makes me cringe....

2012-04-13T19:19:27Z

This evening, while my husband is parked in front of his computer as always, I feel resentful and decided to Google "my fat husband" and voila...I found this forum! I never know how to bring this up to others or friends, it makes me sound like a vile person, I'm glad to have found a forum like this! My husband and I have been married 9 years, we have 6 year old twin boys. I have always been fairly athletic, swim/dive team thru college and like to run. When I met my husband, I liked that he was a bit on the "burly side", think football player, well that build has all gone to mush and then some. He's put on about 130 pounds and has become morbidly obese. He carries a stomach like a large pregnant woman and has the man boobs, even his legs are big, he can't even clip his own toe nails anymore - I have to do it! I am repulsed and quite honestly angry.

We have a great gym membership at a really nice fitness center, he never goes, I try to involve him, ask him to play racketball, basketball, swim, anything! Nope. Maybe once a month. I go everyday and love it (I work from home) I make his lunch for him everyday, healthy options, he usually ends up going out anyway. I cook healthy dinners, have tried to get him involved in healthy online communities since all he likes to do is hang out on the computer like "Sparkpeople, or Livestrong" no, he'd rather play Warcraft. He has depression issues and is medicated and I'm sure this is part of the problem. I do everything with our boys, I play baseball with them, I ride bikes with them, I play tag, etc, he rarely does this because he gets too tired. We can't have sex really, who wants to lift up that stomach and I don't feel like doing splits to sit on top. I WANT to feel attracted to my husband, but I can't and won't until he loses this weight or actually shows that he is TRYING. I find myself daydreaming at the gym about other men and somedays it's hard to not want to go down that slippery slope, I miss hot sex and passion and keep making excuses why I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. His doctor has even told him he needs to, he'll be motivated for about a week, then same old patterns. What else can I do...at what point do you just say (and mean it) look lose this weight or I just can't do this anymore!!!!!!

Posted in Welcome To My Fat Spouse

Stick To Your Guns

2012-04-14T10:29:44Z

Your spouse is fat through no fault of yours.

Your complaints are legit.

You are not in the wrong here. Your spouse is.

You have nothing for which to apologize. Your spouse does.

Your spouse is making his/herself fast. It's not McDonalds, diabetes, medication, stress, slow metabolism or any other dishonest excuse. He/She is fat because he/she chooses to eat too much and move too little.

Your spouse is fat because recreational food is more of a priority than their health and you. If you think that this is too harsh list all the reasons for why most obesity is not the result of willful behavior that is part of a deeper moral failing.

If you want the perfect intervention simply say, "This is unacceptable and you would be wise to do something about it" Don't mince words and don't let them dance you around. When they come up with a lame excuse simply say, "Bullshit!" The fact is any excuse they make is bullshit.

Here are some typical excuses.

I barely eat and I still gain weight. Your response should be BULLSHIT!

I tried every diet and nothing works. Your response should be BULLSHIT!

It's genetic. Your response should be BULLSHIT!

Now practice saying BULLSHIT!!BULLSHIT!!

Posted in Bring the Subject Up

From Plus Size Model to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

2012-04-16T04:41:04Z

Crystal renn, former plus size model

I wonder who Kelly Bliss will have on her side now?

Posted in Fat Acceptance

An Intervention

2012-04-16T00:55:25Z

I think you all know the odds of a glutton changes his ways are slim and none if nothing is done. In many ways gluttony is simply another form of substance abuse. Like the addict the glutton is often in denial. Like the addict, the glutton will become hostile or defensive when confronted. Like the addict, the glutton is rarely serious about reform. Like the addict, the glutton is often very immature. Like the addict, the glutton is often very sly.

An intervention is not pretty. It is very unpleasant but so are the lifetime consequences of obesity. Think if it like this. You've been eating sugary food and not brushing your teeth. You know you should see the dentist but you avoid it. Now you have a cavity. You can feel it with your tongue but you still avoid the dentist. Then you start having pain and you still avoid the dentist. Then the pain gets horrible but instead of seeing a dentist you take pain pills. Eventually the tooth develops and an abscess and the infection goes to the bone and eventually to your brain and then you die.

Your fat spouse is that tooth. He/She is killing you.

Posted in Motivating Your Spouse

MeMe Roth Makes Mince Meat of Kelly Bliss

2011-06-21T18:50:38Z

CONTENTS DELETED

The author has deleted this message.

Obesity is never a matter of can't. It is always a matter of won't.

http://biggerfatterblog.blogspot.com/

http://www.medicalholocaust.blogspot.com

Gluttony is a Choice! Fat Parents are BAD parents!

Posted in Fat Acceptance

Taking a leadership role

2012-02-21T22:12:25Z

Okay, we've been through the venting, should I leave/stay, etc. Here's an idea.

Head to the bookstore. Stay the hell out of the self- help /relationships aisle obviously. Go to the business management section. There are countless books on how to positively motivate people, sell ideas to people (like, hey honey, how about you not resemble a water buffalo), and otherwise bring out the best in people while lifting them up.

Worth a shot. Gives you some ammo, and even if it doesn't work, a little personal development.

Posted in Motivating Your Spouse

Sweet guy, all talk, no action

2012-04-10T23:05:01Z

I've been married almost 5 years. When I met my husband, he was a lean 175, 23 years old, in the military and hot!! Fun and outgoing, I was hooked instantly. He went overseas for 6 months, and gained a significant amount of weight. But we went to the gym a lot together, and he seemed active. His father was a big guy, but had a membership at my gym, so I figured he had just let himself go over the years. Little did I know that the genes ran in the family deeper then I thought. After getting married, we both put on a little comfort weight, but no more then 15 pounds on my end. Then, we got pregnant. I was already having issues with his weight at the time, he was up to 250 pounds, but who was I to complain carrying a child. We have had several long battles, gym memberships, work out programs, everything under the sun, but no results. Now, my child is almost 2, I'm back at my pre baby weight, and he has lost a little weight, but it's still effecting me. He wants me to get pregnant again, but I don't even want to. I see it as just another distraction from him. Of course, he thinks I'm hot "no matter what" and yet I feel so shallow being completely disgusted by him. The belly gets in the way during sex, his double chin just infuriates me. He sweats all the time. He's always hot cause of the extra pounds so I'm always freezing with the ac running, and not to mention the electric bill! He eats huge portions, and although I make all his meals and try to feed him healthy dishes, he drenches them in salt and high calorie sauces "for flavor." I can only be a positive support for so long. I'm loosing faith in myself cause I can't even honor my own vows of "in sickness and in health," he can take all my bad things, but I can't seem to get past the fact that I'm stuck for the rest of my life with a wonderful, sweet, fat guy. I can't sleep, I'm to the point I don't even want to be around him since he is so lazy most of the time. I've tried to lead by a good example, and it's not working. It just makes him more depressed when I get compliments on how great I look loosing all the baby weight so fast. But I stay active all day, and I'm still not sure what he does at his job cause he is always exhausted, and just needs "down time" when he gets home. I often wonder if he is chugging sodas and eating other things then what I send to work with him. I just feel so lonely, and I'm glad I found this sound board, if anything but to vent to someone who knows what I'm going through. He's a lot of talk, and no action. And when I try to push it, he gets mad. And I try to be harsh, no dice. Try to be sudle, no dice. Now I'm to the point where I have to accept the fact, and it's so depressing.

Posted in Share Your Frustration

Women beach volleyball players don’t have to wear bikinis at Olympics

2012-03-28T07:45:49Z

The only reason I watch woman's beach volleyball is the bikinis. The story says they are encouraging women from more modest countries to participate. That is code for we want to try and get some women from countries ran by men with views on woman from 1000 years ago. We know what they mean. I say we do not condone their backwards views of women but I can't imagine it being a bad thing to allow women from these oppressive countries with their theocratic governments to get a little taste of freedom. So put on the sleeves and shorts(not too long) and serve one up for women everywhere ladies.
Women Beach Volleyball

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. H. L. Mencken

Posted in Newspaper

New film that will help

2012-03-01T07:37:48Z

A new movie is being released that I highly recommend. It is called "In search of the Perfect Human Diet". It will be very enlightening to anyone interested in ancestral eating and health. If you are not familiar with primal or paleo and the theories behind why they work so well this well provide you the scientific evidence you need to convince you. I also recommend Food Inc and the movie FatHead for a good laugh.
http://perfecthumandiet.us/index.html

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. H. L. Mencken

Posted in Diet & Exercise

A question for the men

2012-04-06T20:57:58Z

I didn't want to hijack the "most awkward sexual experience" thread, but I'm curious- why is lifting your wife so important? It's a big deal to my husband too, and he loved being able to pick me up for the first time. But why's it so important?

Posted in Q&A