My Husbands Success

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Faith&Fig Faith&Fig
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My Husbands Success

Reading through this forum really pulls at my heart strings. I too was in a very similar situation until last year when my husband suddenly, out of the blue, after 7 years of being in denial about his weight issues (let's face it- he had become borderline obese), decided to start exercising, dieting and get fit. He lost 44 pounds in about a year and he couldn't be happier. Once he started losing weight, and with every milestone (he is training for a marathon now), he became more and more motivated. But the change in his attitude didn't come about easily! No matter how gently I tried to encourage him to get fitter, he became very defensive and didn't want to talk about it. I don't know what changed his mind. One day, he just made up his mind and once he decided he was going to do this FOR HIMSELF, not for me, not because I asked him but because HE WANTED TO, he went all out and managed to shed the pounds, run marathons etc. Not long ago, he actually apologised to me for having been so stubborn and difficult. He said he always knew that I was right, but he just had to get around to it.


If our loved ones can't tell us, who can? We need reality checks and some tough love. I think it goes without saying that most people would approach the subject in a tactful way, as gently as possible and wouldn't deliberately hurt their loved one's feelings. Some people are going to be more sensitive than others. My brother for example, doesn't mind at all talking about his weight gain and even jokes about it. But he also would go on a diet, exercise and gets slimmer before he gains any more weight. My husband, on the other hand, was so sensitive about it that his refusal to even discuss healther eating plans, his sulking was getting ridiculous. No amount of sugarcoating was going to work. The whole, 'I am thinking of joining a gym, shall we go together?' approach was almost like an insult to him, a thinly veiled attempt to make him exercise to lose weight. It was very tough for me to watch him pile on the weight over the years and see him in such denial. By denial, I mean he didn't want to think or talk about it but he knew perfectly well he was overweight. He would (over) eat cos he was unhappy- about his weight! He is usually not a grumpy person at all and we have a wonderful relationship but his weight was an absolute no go area. He felt that it was not possible for someone like him to lose weight, or that it would be very, very difficult, that he would have to practically starve, that he would have to do sooooo much exercise. He would say he is just big boned, that his metabolism is different to other people, he needed to eat more cos he is a big guy, that he was only slightly overweight but it was normal for his age (35), that he is no longer 18, what do you expect etc etc. He knew perfectly well that these were just lame excuses. But once he started seriously reading and researching and educating himself about healthy eating, he decided to try out low carbing combined with running and his weight just fell off! He probably lost the first 30 lbs in 8 weeks and the rest over several months. Now he is very, very well informed about good nutrition and exercising and cooks all our meals himself.
The Buddhist Mortician The Buddhist Mortician
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That's wonderful. That's how it happened for me; I just decided to do it, but I took it very gradually. This is an inspiring story and thank you very much for sharing it. I hope he wins his marathon!
You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of the work. Never give way to laziness, either.... Those who work solely for the fruits are miserable.-- Bhagavad Gita.
Archie Archive Archie Archive
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In reply to this post by Faith&Fig
Thanks for sharing this one. We're always in need of further evidence that it can be done! Makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. I'm so glad things have worked out this way in your situation.
It Is Disrespectful To Willingly Become Unattractive To Your Life Partner Check out my Ning Profile on the MFS Social Network
CG Brady CG Brady
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In reply to this post by Faith&Fig
Gluttony is a very selfish act but I think he had one thing going for him. He was borderline obese. Usually he fatter they are the more fattitude they have. He may have overcome some or all of his fattitude. The fact that he apologized tells me that he was thinking about someone besides himself.

Often when I as a fatling why they want to lose weight I hear I me my, I me my, and more I me my. When they begin to consider the negative effect their gluttony has on others their egos can't handle it and the ensuing cognitive dissonance because too much for them and they often get serious about reform. Because they are so selfish they are blind to the effect their behaviors have on others.
Rea Rea
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In reply to this post by Faith&Fig
This is so odd. I found this site just a few days ago and have been reading with fascination, relief and a sort of happiness that there are people who understand how I feel, and have explained the fat spouse/fatittude situation so much better than I could ever have.
I am saying this post is odd because I am 99% sure it was written by me, only I have no recollection of ever having been on this site before and the username Faith&Fig does not ring a bell- I don't even know what it means or where it came from, but the story is mine, I am sure of it. Every details coincides. It's as if someone copied and pasted it here, or I have actually been here before and then completely forgot about it after my husband's temporary weight loss. What happened since is that we went through a brutal divorce and it was finalised last year.

After the initial weight loss of about 75lbs, he promptly put it all back on, then he lost is all, then he gained it all back, then he some and gained more. He did extreme diets and he could be very bitchy and cranky. He was either bitchy cos he was hungry, or he was miserable cos he was gaining weight although he would justify it saying that being thinner made his face look gaunt and sick so he needed to gain weight. He asked for a divorce when he was weighing less. I also found out that he had an affair at some time prior to 2009. Still, I pleaded with him but he would not give marriage counselling a try. I asked to give us more time. I was more worried for our child and our parents than for me. To be honest, I was really fed up with him and our loveless marriage at that point.

I am going to cut to the chase here (as my laptop is very flakey and shuts itself off) and say that I am very happy now. We had to sell our house at a loss, I was left with no money and had to move into a one bedroom apartment where I share my bed with my daughter. After paying rent and the bills, I have a budget of 150$ per month for grocery for my child and myself. But we get by and I am so, so happy. At 40, I am fitter than ever and am in a happy relationship with a very affectionate, loving and lovely man who also happens to be extremely athletic. We don't live together and I prefer to keep it that way.
Rea Rea
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We have both moved on, my ex and I. We have shared custody of our child so we see each other every week and have an amicable, cordial relationship. He seems to be steadily gaining the weight back on and has had a knee surgery recently. All his clothes seem new. I have not bought a single item of new clothing in over two years. No money for that but then, i have no need for new clothes. He had filed for bankruptcy a year before our divorce so i get very limited alimony and only for three years. I have just over a year left now of alimony. I have been a stay at home mom for the last ten years and It has not been easy to find a job in the current economic climate where i live (small tropical island- its so great living here, despite lack of gainful employment). My ex will not move to a big city where i could potentially get a job and i cannot take my daughter with me because we have joint custody. So i am kind of stuck here.

 Meanwhile, soon after the divorce, my ex reopened his business and is doing well (he obviously had this all planned to protect himself financially- i don' t blame him, but i think he also wanted to punish me financially for having the audacity to want him slimmer). I can see his tommy hilfiger shirt straining against his protruding belly. He will need bigger clothes soon. I wish him no ill. But  I do wish he would have the common sense to look after his health for our daughter's sake.

As for me, I kept up with my weight training which i started a month after my now ex joined the gym 6 years ago. I joined the gym mainly to encourage him and to do something as a couple. I had never done weight training before and was not really into it at first. He gave up after two months, of course. Me, being cheap, decided to make use of the year membership that i already paid for and boy, am i glad i did. I have been training 5-6days a week for 6 years now. When i felt frustrated with my husband, i lifted heavier. When i was going through my angry phase, i started kickboxing and got very good at it. I sparred with guys half my age and twice my weight. i even did demonstrations. It felt really good when my six pack started showing. It felt good to be in control of my body (since i have no control in my relationship), to push myself to the limits and to feel physical pain. I was ecstatic when i did my first pullup. I hung on the bar and did pullups like my life depended on it because inside, i was so sad and so scared, like i was drowning.

I made lots of friends at the gym who were so supportive and encouraging of my progress. It was great to get out of the house and see people who were happy to see me, to see people who are happy in general. Only two of my friends from the gym knew i was going through a divorce. One of them helped me financially, the other, who is a lawyer, helped me with the divorce and never accepted a cent from me. There are so many wonderful people out there and i am so thankful for their support. If i were a horrible, shallow bitch like my ex makes me out to be, i don' t think i would have the kind of friends i have. Yet, outside this forum, people, without knowing me or my ex at all, immediately assume the fit spouse to be the evil spawned bitch, nagging, shallow, selfish and worthy of being burnt at stake whereas the fat spouse somehow gets attributed with qualities like, beautiful, generous, intelligent, poor, long suffering, wonderful, like he is some kind of jolly john goodman or santa clause. They don't know what fatittude is. I didn't know this word existed either, until i found this site.

The divorce was just over a year ago, and that chapter is closed. Still, 13 years of struggling with his weight and fatittude and my feelings have left a profound effect on me. But as i said before, i found happiness and peace and i also found love.