My husband makes me cringe....

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texaswildflower texaswildflower
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My husband makes me cringe....

This evening, while my husband is parked in front of his computer as always, I feel resentful and decided to Google "my fat husband" and voila...I found this forum! I never know how to bring this up to others or friends, it makes me sound like a vile person, I'm glad to have found a forum like this! My husband and I have been married 9 years, we have 6 year old twin boys.  I have always been fairly athletic, swim/dive team thru college and like to run.  When I met my husband, I liked that he was a bit on the "burly side", think football player, well that build has all gone to mush and then some.  He's put on about 130 pounds and has become morbidly obese.  He carries a stomach like a large pregnant woman and has the man boobs, even his legs are big, he can't even clip his own toe nails anymore - I have to do it!  I am repulsed and quite honestly angry.

We have a great gym membership at a really nice fitness center, he never goes, I try to involve him, ask him to play racketball, basketball, swim, anything!  Nope. Maybe once a month. I go everyday and love it (I work from home) I make his lunch for him everyday, healthy options, he usually ends up going out anyway.  I cook healthy dinners, have tried to get him involved in healthy online communities since all he likes to do is hang out on the computer like "Sparkpeople, or Livestrong" no, he'd rather play Warcraft.  He has depression issues and is medicated and I'm sure this is part of the problem.  I do everything with our boys, I play baseball with them, I ride bikes with them, I play tag, etc, he rarely does this because he gets too tired. We can't have sex really, who wants to lift up that stomach and I don't feel like doing splits to sit on top. I WANT to feel attracted to my husband, but I can't and won't until he loses this weight or actually shows that he is TRYING.  I find myself daydreaming at the gym about other men and somedays it's hard to not want to go down that slippery slope, I miss hot sex and passion and keep making excuses why I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. His doctor has even told him he needs to, he'll be motivated for about a week, then same old patterns.  What else can I do...at what point do you just say (and mean it) look lose this weight or I just can't do this anymore!!!!!!
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

At what point do you say enough? Say it now. Glad you found us...keep reading here.

 World of Warcraft people, some of them, just sit and play/eat for hours.

To add insult to injury, I think the overweight men don't feel motivated to get in shape because they get their needs met by porn.

Fight for what you want. This is tough, but at least you're being real about what you need.
mountain mountain
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by texaswildflower
Hello and welcome here.

I think it is time to have the serious talk with your hubby. You have to tell him point frank that you are not attracted to him anymore, that you don't like to have sex with him anymore and that he is a horrible example for his two boys. Ask him if he has a good life insurance cause you will need it to raise your two boys after he is gone....and he might not be around for much longer considering he is already morbidly obese.
It will be a tough talk but you both need to say/hear the truth.

Good luck.
Diet Coach Diet Coach
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

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Shaggy 2 Dope Shaggy 2 Dope
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

Haha, awesome. I thought you might have died off, but nope, you're still at it. I'm glad. =)

I agree that it's most important for him to change his diet before he begins exercising much. At this point, a simple walk around the block a few times a week would be a good start. I mean, think of how discouraged you would be if you had to do a full workout wearing a 130lb backpack around the front. I doubt you would do very well, or carry on very long. Encourage him to take small steps.
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

Ooh, yes, I wish fat interventions were more commonplace! They should be, what with fat being so deadly.
mr. blue mr. blue
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

Dear Slender Wife,

Interventions sound good in theory; but, if our experience is to be a guide, they achieve nothing but empty promises.  We turned to an intervention therapist when hospitalization twice failed with my wife.  The inability of even the best obesity specialists to help her had the whole family alarmed.  (She was by then well over 400 lbs..)  Her sisters, aunt, cousin, mother, and I spent a whole afternoon taking turns trying to convince her of the necessity of a lifestyle change.  We appealed to her pride and her obligations as a mother and wife, and there was lots of emoting on both sides. The desired result, however, proved beyond our power to effect.  The poor woman hung her head in shame throughout the process, conceding all that was said, then turned around and went out and binged that very night.  It's been more of the same ever since.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by texaswildflower
Dear TWF,

I am in a situation similar to yours, also with a depressed husband who has gained weight and now is out of sync with his fit, attractive, sexy wife who misses hot sex!  I'm hoping that you read through the "Sweet Guy, All talk" thread on the "Share Your Frustration" forum.  It speaks to your situation.  

I would just add that if you haven't already had the Talk with your husband, plan it carefully and be sure not to say things that you will regret--things like, "I am disgusted by your fat."  Your husband is already depressed.  He already feels terrible about himself.  Giving him more ammunition will not help your situation.  Manipulating him with threats will not help your situation.  Swearing at him and trying to be a drill sargeant will not help your situation.  The only thing that will help him is to seize your own life and affirm that you are going to be fit, active, dynamic, and sexy, that you are going to treat yourself right, and that he is welcome to join you.  Indeed, as you put it, you miss hot sex with him and that his health is affecting that, and that you want to be supportive.  You might also ask him what he perceives his needs to be, and what can you do to be more responsive to him?  Get him to be specific.  If he wants more time on Saturday, or is frustrated because the toys on the floor bug him, give him more time on Saturday and get the toys off the floor.  Be open to his needs; be clear about your needs; emphasize that you want to work together.

You have two kids. So do I. Right now, part of what drives me and my love of life is knowing that whatever I do is an example to my kids.  I want to be healthy, creative, loving, faithful, and open.  I do not want to be resentful, enabling, or codependent.  I want to model giving a relationship my all, and that includes communicating my needs and listening to Daddy's.  I want my kids to know that mommy and daddy are trying to work things out... but also that mommy is seizing life and doing what mommy needs to be the best she can be so that--God forbid--if they are ever in a situation where they feel the life being sucked out of them, they do not just turn into depressed shrimps, but rather confront the situation as openly and honestly as they can.  That means a time line, too.  If things really do get bad, then mommy is still going to love daddy, but mommy will have an apartment where either she or daddy can sleep, and that will be okay, because mommy and daddy still love one another and love them (how mommy and daddy love them!) but the arrangement will just be a little different.  

I hope it doesn't come to that.  I've had some limited successes, and hubby has lost a bit of weight, and more importantly, has begun acknowledging my needs in ways he never has before.  That acknowledgement and consideration mean as much to me as the hot sex, I've discovered.  But we're still working towards the latter...

Good luck!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
mr. blue mr. blue
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

"(B)ut mommy will have an apartment where either she or daddy can sleep, and that will be okay, because mommy and daddy still love one another and love them (how mommy and daddy love them!) but the arrangement will just be a little different."

I wish it were that easy, Mme, but the kids will not buy it.  Mommies and daddies who love one another spend as much time together as possible UNDER THE SAME ROOF.  Plus, kids don't like to be "different," no matter how much explaining is done.  If you are also suggesting that "hot sex" will occur in that adjunct abode, they will intuit your infidelity as well.  Kids know more than they let on; they are veritable barometers for 'how things are' with mom and dad.  Better that you stay the course and persist in gently encouraging your husband to rediscover the mojo that produced those 2 wonderful children.

(Yeah, it's me with a new moniker.)
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

mr. blue wrote
Mommies and daddies who love one another spend as much time together as possible UNDER THE SAME ROOF.
Smouldering with resentment and self-righteous martyrdom?  You think kids don't pick up on that?  They do.  And that is not the message I intend to send them.
mr. blue wrote
If you are also suggesting that "hot sex" will occur in that adjunct abode, they will intuit your infidelity as well.
I'm not talking about infidelity.  I'm talking about an open separation if it comes to that.  No affairs.  Period.  But if I got divorced and if after that I made a new friend whom I loved very dearly, I'm hoping they would feel the love in my eyes and life, the love I would want to touch others.
mr. blue wrote
Kids know more than they let on; they are veritable barometers for 'how things are' with mom and dad.
Indeed.
mr. blue wrote
Better that you stay the course and persist in gently encouraging your husband to rediscover the mojo that produced those 2 wonderful children.
I didn't say that I was leaving.  I am encouraging him.  I am giving him some time.  But I will not be a martyr, and I will not give him forever.  Based upon my own experience of the people that I have known (and really, each of us must be faithful to his own sensations and experience), those who have divorced without violence or acrimony, who have recognized that because their "marriage" is in fact no marriage, and that it is best to be honest about that and maintain the friendship while choosing life... these people are simply happier.  And their children are happier.  I have seen it.

One may make the case to stay for abstract moral reasons, feeling bound by words.  I suggest that there is deeper morality in seizing life.  

I also believe that no other attitude will do anything other than give my husband permission to stay the way he is and to waste his life in a slow death.  I don't want to be party to that.

Leaving is not a decision to be made lightly, and I would want to make it as reasonably and as compassionately as possible--without blame, without anger.  But if it comes to that, I am ready.  
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mme.X Mme.X
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p.s.

P.S. to Blue -- Nice to see you back.  I'll call you R&B, as long as you don't call me S&M (joke! joke!)
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by texaswildflower
Howdy Texas,

I sincerely hope you find something useful on our little forum. If not you at least have a place to vent and as you can see, you're not alone. I think your going to have to have a few more conversations with your husband about how you feel. I'm sure he doesn't feel great about his weight either, but just maybe a light will go on if you can get through to him about how you feel about it. I would use the advice his doctor gave him. Say you have a relative or friend who's doctor told them to do something for their own sake or else. They didn't and they died. Happens all the time. Tell him you love him and you don't want this to happen to him. Make it stick. Good luck!
Swished Swished
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by texaswildflower
Your story is very similar to mine.  Now I have two sons who are morbidly obese just like my husband. Somehow my husband blames me for his fatness.  My husband is nasty to me about his weight and has convinced the boys that I am the "bad one". Somehow your husband food fest has to stop or you"ll have 3 nasty fatties to deal with.  Good luck . I feel you pain.  Literally  !!!  
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by texaswildflower
I wish i could lend some advice but as a husband of an obese of wife i can definateley sympathize, i am in good shape and wonder everyday what i did to deserve this fate!!! Oh well to be loyal i guess has it s downfalls, good luck!
Godiva Godiva
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by texaswildflower
Ha, exact scenerio. Last night I was having a glass of wine and watching my fat husband snore away. No I was not watching in a good way though, evil thoughts were running through my head. When we met 18 years ago we were an attractive, active, thinner couple. I am the first to admit I have also gained some weight, but I am not in the fat zone nor do I have any other issues with my health. I wear a pedometer daily and if I dont make 12,000 steps, I feel as thouugh I need to make up the difference the next day. I am no longer a stay at home mom so getting to the gym is near impossible. After work I still need to run errans, clean house, and do the kid thing (go to games, plays, parties, etc.). My husband loves to have the TV on ALL day as his computer is infront of him. The only time he gets up besides to get more to eat or go stink up the bathroom is when someone offers to take him golfing. He doesn't even offer to take his daughter who is a varsity golfer golfing - I have to. I can't even golf. I can't tell you the last time we had sex. Yes, I get horny, but the thought ruins the moment. His boobs are bigger than mine. My kids have asked, "why does dad tell people he is a runner?" If I bring up the excersise thing he will go for a run, however he will come home bleeding from chafing that he doesn't go again. That does not constitute as a runner. Like I mentioned earlier, I have also gained weight in the 18 years, I can also admit it though aloud. My husband cannot admit to being over weight. He also does not agree that a pedometer means anything. He won't wear one for a day though to compare. The Dr. has told him he is over weight - "its a money maker thing," really? How do they make money if you start eating better and get off the couch?
Ok, why am I still with him? Thats where I am lazy. I need to vent, but Im not willing to give up 18 years yet. Why? I don't know. Maybe a part of me 'thinks' if someone besides me or a Dr. mentions his weight, he will do something about it. He doesn't have any close friends and his brother lives in another state. BTW, his brother is a health nut and has been sponsored in many Ironman Races throughout the country. He is essentially a good guy, but really thinks of himself before others and when he realistically needs to think of others, its almost painful to watch...he doesn't understand anything, its all confusing to him.
Wow, I just needed to vent. Thank you.




Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

Vent away!  
Godiva wrote
Ok, why am I still with him?
1. Because it's hard to make a big change.
2. Because it's scary to make a big change.
3. Because there are kids involved who love their dad.
4. Because he is basically a great and hands-on dad, and are one's own erotic needs really more important than that?
5. Because one cannot answer (4) beyond the shadow of a doubt.
6. Because one feels the pull of vows, even if one's rational self argues that vows are an attempt to impose infinite and inflexible standards upon the finite and ignorant beings who make them.
7. Because it's expensive.
8. Because there is no alternative out there waving and smiling.  In fact, it's hard to imagine it.
9. Because one wants to help the man one loves find help and get better--and not just abandon him.
10. Because one is curious, deeply curious:  why?  What's really going on here?  
11. Because one fears the judgment of friends and family.
12. Because one cannot stop hoping.
13. Because one has lost hope.
14. Because it is hard to admit that one made a mistake.
15. Because if it was one's own mistake, then one should stick around and fix it.
16. Because even if there is nothing one can do to fix anything, one still loves.
17. Because the situation has many benefits, which still outweigh the negatives.
18. Because one is exhausted, and the thought of expending that much energy that leaves one still alone is unthinkable.
19. Because of so many years.
20. Because one cannot stop hoping.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
ThinInSeattle ThinInSeattle
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by Godiva
Godiva,

I have the same problem.  A grotesquely obese wife who refuses to see the problem--and her family only makes things worse.  It is as though they are all trying to kill each other with food.
Godiva Godiva
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by Mme.X
You're right. And I do pray and hope. Thank you.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

I wasn't actually writing those reasons to justify hoping or to recommend staying.  I was looking within myself as I ask the same question of my own situation.  I could generate another list of reasons for leaving.  But not today.  Too much work on my desk!

In addition, this morning hubs and I had one of our political conversations over the newspaper and, once again, I felt grateful for a man who can engage issues thoughtfully, who is well grounded in historical detail and perspective, who is so articulate about issues deeper than partisan divides, who is so blinkin' interesting to talk to and argue with.  I don't want to leave that.  Of course, there's a cost.  But maybe there's always a cost?

*sigh*

Take care...
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
leslie leslie
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Re: My husband makes me cringe....

In reply to this post by Slenderwife
My husband is so over weight you have to lift up another flap of skin that has grown over his groin. His penis is barely visible! The only way we can have sex... if he can stay hard...which lately that has been a problem to, is that I have to get on top. I know he watches porn, I see the history on the computer. I told him, if he can get satisfied by that then what the hell is going on with me. I am not attracted to him and its been 14 years of marriage now. He still doesn't get it right. He is so harsh with me with his hands last time he gave me a sore inside. I hate that he watches the porn....he thinks that is how love making is.  

Him being overweight is really causing a problem. We get into it and then, I have to pretty much do everything I can to stimulate him, then hopefully get on top before he loses it. His weight has made all this much worse. I never minded him being large as in football player size, we married he was 6'2" and about 200 lbs. But now he is near the 300 lb. mark! He has a big ole belly, which hangs out of his shirts, he has like a huge round face and double chin, and then there is the new flap of skin in his pelvic area. He holds it up so his penis will be seen.

I'm sorry I maybe sounding harsh. He is a kind and loving husband, I am just NOT attracted to him now. And then when I do say okay, lets start this and try something...he sometimes fizzles all out anyway. And I'm stuck to my own devices when I'm home alone if you know what I mean. I can see how some women stray a little. Just for the intimate part.  ARGH!!!

I really wish I knew what to do. Forever is a long time to go unsatisfied don't you think?
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