Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

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Mr. Anonymous Mr. Anonymous
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Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

It's been almost a year since I broke up with my obese ex girlfriend of 4.5 years and posted about it here on this forum. It wasn't easy to break up at first (primarily due to loneliness- I may have not been sexually attracted to my ex, but the companionship was good), but ultimately it was the best decision I ever made.

Since we broke up, I've gone on multiple dates with multiple girls, and have had sex with fit, attractive, and happy girls- everything my ex was not. The sex has been 100x better than fat girl sex with my ex. Not suprisingly, fit girls can do so much more in bed than their fat sisters.

I just entered into a relationship with a fit girl without ridiculous eating and self esteem issues. It's funny how much happier I am than I ever was with my obese ex.

I realize that it's not easy to break up with an obese significant other, particularly if married. But I highly recommend it- if you are a normal outgoing person, you will find someone else out there that will probably make you happier than you were with your obese ex. It may take some time, but it is worth it in the end.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

This post was updated on .
Sex may not be the only thing in a relationship, but most of the time we hope sex will be in there somewhere, and that it will a positive addition to our love.     It is sad that your x-GF was great on the companionship end, but her body kept her from being a good sex partner.   Do you wonder if she sees that now or ever will?   It was probably more difficult to tell a nice lady it was over, but she needed that honesty from you.  

It is hard on the thinner partner.   I have a pulled muscle today and it is due to his heavy body.   I know if he were lighter, I would not be taking Tylenol today.   Usually, I can avoid injuries, but he moved too quickly before I had time to align myself and I was hurt...

I kept it to myself, blaming it on a weight machine, but haven't been to the gym for about 10 days, so I know it is his weight, not a machine's, that caused the problem.

Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Mr. Anonymous
Thanks, Mr. A., for the update.  I am so glad to know that you are flourishing; I know breaking up was a hard decision for you, so I'm glad it was the right one.
Mr. Anonymous wrote
I realize that it's not easy to break up with an obese significant other, particularly if married. But I highly recommend it- if you are a normal outgoing person, you will find someone else out there that will probably make you happier than you were with your obese ex. It may take some time, but it is worth it in the end.
Thanks for the advice there.  Truly, I am taking it under serious consideration, especially given that on Wednesday, H moved into a whole new zone--we were talking about house repairs and he said we couldn't afford them and that we should have been saving "to move out of this hell hole," and I said that it wasn't a matter of saving, but of being in a position to find another job, and he said, "well, how much have you written on your book this week?" and I said, "True, but you could make something out of your life, too"--at which point called me an f-ing bitch, threw a book at me, rushed at me and kicked me in the leg with all his 350 lb force.  I was pretty stunned.  I think I said, "I can't believe you just did that."

Of course, the kids rushed in, wondering what had happened.  I said, "Daddy just kicked me.  We're leaving."  I went upstairs with them, and my 7 year-old produced a suitcase and announced: "It is my destiny to see the world!"  (Guys, I am not making that up.  She really, truly, actually said that.)  My son, on the other hand, looked a bit scared and said, "But Mummy, I've lived in this house my whole life!"  I sat down.  I sighed.  I thought.  I calculated hotel costs, plane ticket costs, anxiety costs, exhaustion costs...  I thought about promising to take my son on a trail ride the next day... about the work that I really had started to do and that operatic emotion would just deflate.  I sighed again.  I got the kids into their pajamas, and I curled up in my daughter's room and the three of us just went to sleep.  

Yes, I've since looked into the cost of getting a divorce.  No, he and I haven't actually talked about it yet, since he's been at work non-stop since this thing happened, except last night, when we ate dinner talking only to the kids, not each other, and then I went upstairs to read.  He was at work all day again today, and I cleaned and vaccumed.  My leg is still somewhat sore--luckily it was my thigh and not my knee, although I think I twisted my knee in the process.  So much for Cross Fit this week...

Anyhow, Mr. A., I wish you joy with your new and healthy girlfriend--it makes me happy to know that someone else has found life!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

I think leaving an abusive person, fat or thin, is always a good idea.    I am surprised that your leg wasn't broken, Mme. X!   I really think that being obese causes emotional problems, like mood swings.    I think their brains are addled from all that fat!   I hope you feel better... !  LIATS
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Mme.X
Mdme,

I don't want to interfere, but does  your workplace offer any assistance in this situation? Any family around? This is  becoming a pattern. The knife incident, the dog, now this.
life on hold life on hold
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Mme.X
Wow... I'd draw the line there, Mme. X.  Fat issues aside, his action is inexcusable.  I hope this was an isolated incident.  If not, then I think it's time to move on.  350 pounds of brute force is nothing to fool around with.

My W hit me once... once.  We were arguing about something silly.  I can't remember what exactly...  She was throwing a temepertantrum about something I had done that day. In a moment of heated debate,  she balled up her fist, pulled back and let one loose on my back.  This was no mere slug on the arm.  It was obvious that she meant to inflict damage.  I was absolutely stunned by her behavior.  I flat out told her, in front of God and everyone else, "Never, EVER do that again!!!"  She knew immediately that she had crossed the line... I mean, I really truly yelled that at her in public.  Everyone stopped and looked at us.  I think it both stunned and embarrassed her to pieces.  Sufficed to say, she has never pulled that stunt on me since.  I have zero tolerance for violence of any kind.

 Oh my... I am so sorry to hear about this X.  :-(  
sweet potato sweet potato
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Mme.X


I'm so sorry, Mme. X. How terrible for you. That is some big, abusive reaction.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by loveinaturtleshell
Thanks, guys, for your supportive words.  I really do appreciate them as I try to figure out a reasonable response here.  I realize that your immediate thought might be: "Reasonable?  Like grab the kids and go to a shelter?"  But it's not that easy.  And I would like to proceed in a way that makes the least waves for my kids.  I'd like it to include a daily pattern of getting my stuff in order (literally and figuratively).  I truly do not feel "threatened" by him, as though he gets his jollies out of hurting me--he doesn't.  If he doesn't feel desperate or cornered, he is (believe me) the sweetest and funniest guy around.  Which does not excuse the behavior.  But it does mean that I'm not operating under conditions of immanent danger.
loveinaturtleshell wrote
I am surprised that your leg wasn't broken, Mme. X!
Yes, well, that's clearly because he wasn't actually using his full force.  If he had wanted to really hurt me, he would have. But, like the other two incidents (and the two times he has kicked a door)--so now we have five incidents in ten years--they are meant to create attention.

We still have not talked about it.  I sat at the breakfast table this morning (overwhelmed because tomorrow I have to contact the contractor about I-guess-not-doing-the-windows and other repairs) and I said, "I have no plan for it, but we have a fair bit to discuss."  H replied, "My plan is to take a shower." I stared at him.  He got up and went to the bathroom.  I took my stuff and went to the office.  

And now I have a lot of work to do for work for tomorrow.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Andrea T
Thanks, Andrea.
Andrea T wrote
Does  your workplace offer any assistance in this situation? Any family around?
All family is hundreds of miles away. Workplace - ugh! I can't imagine involving anyone I work with. This all feels so private. And contextual. What I feel is that I desperately want my privacy as I try to figure out what feels right. I suppose that there is some wellness program hotline that I could talk to. I believe there is also a legal hotline for generic help. But the question is: how do I want to pursue this?  How?  It might seem obvious to you, but it is not obvious to me. It feels complicated. And I have to weigh my work demands, too.  this month and next are the most intense months for my work, at least the public side of my work.  And my private work has been going better, too. I feel intensely that disrupting these things is a further form of "abuse" that I don't want him to get away with.  I don't want him to have to define and disrupt my life. I want to proceed so that I can retain as much "normal" as possible. I don't want him to turn me into a basket case--to bully me into actions that will make me--and more importantly, my kids--frantic.  I would prefer to move gradually, and to make sure that they can finish out the school year in relative peace, if possible.

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
life in hold life in hold
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

My aunt, when her husband had gotten abusive, took her time getting things in order.  She spent about a year saving money, paying down debt, and getting her future living arrangements set.  I marveled at her patience and determination through all of it.  Slowly, but surely, she somehow managed to get it all pulled together.

About a couple of months from "D Day" I think my uncle started to realize what she was up to...  He turned up the charm for a while.  However, it wasn't too long before he regressed back into his old ways.  He knew his butt was on the chopping block, I guess.  Things escalated quickly...  He became more volatile and aggressive towards her.  Some folks, no matter how great you think they are, are capable of amazing and horrifying things when they feel threatened.  Once they get started, if you don't keep them in check, they can become more brazen.  

Be careful and keep a close watch on him-- especially his mood.  You've mentioned that he's had a history of depression, right?  Does he get irritable or angry easily?  I don't mean to pry...  Some of your story   bears a striking resemblance to my aunt's story.  My uncle was a very funny and charming man... but he had a life long battle with depression.  He could turn into Mr. Hyde at the drop of a hat.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by life on hold
My brother's obese W also hit his back and kicked him once!   I witnessed the incident where she tried to kick and I just stared at her and gave her the silent treatment (I was dropping off some tools  and walked in on their argument).   She tried to talk nicely to me, make sweet small talk, but I ignored her overtures.    Since then (this happened last year), she is so very very nice to me.   It is good to have witnesses to these incidences.   It can help, maybe, keep them in line!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by life in hold
Hi, LIN, and thank you so much for this really helpful posting.  Your aunt sounds like a woman after my own heart. And, yes, I do worry about some escalation if I were really to go ahead with this.  I think I will need all my reserves.  Which is why I don't want to do this stupidly or compulsively. I think some people need to act on the impulse in order to have the strength to do it. And it remains to be seen whether I am one of those people, or whether I can keep putting one foot ahead of the other mindful of it all, and where I want to go.
life in hold wrote
You've mentioned that he's had a history of depression, right?  Does he get irritable or angry easily?  I don't mean to pry...  Some of your story   bears a striking resemblance to my aunt's story.  My uncle was a very funny and charming man... but he had a life long battle with depression.  He could turn into Mr. Hyde at the drop of a hat.
Prying! Heavens! LOL! That gave me a laugh today - thank you. And for caring enough to ask. But back to your question, well, it's all on my various threads here, although I don't want to make you wade through all that verbiage. Yes, he is depressed. But more than that, 'phobic,' as one shrink called it. He has a hard time moving forward. He never finished his dissertation. He is the single most stubborn human being I have ever met. He is quite charming and funny, and really very good company--an amazing, and I mean amazing, father--until something triggers his pent-up anger.  He is probably the smartest guy I have ever met, but then again, "smart" is not a single scale, and there are plenty of brilliant people out there, many of whom are flipping nuts and incompetent. Still, intellectually he is as satisfying as one could ever ask for, and that, combined with his endless patience and care and playing and nurturing of the children, make me pause, truly pause, before making the decision to leave.  

How old was your aunt when she left? Did she find someone else? Just curious.

Thank you again, deeply, for your response!
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

Your nearest women's shelter will have someone you can talk to re: all the factors you described. Call them.

Mr. Anonymous, happy to hear of your great life!!!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

Brief update on this end.  I did go to my doctor and had a long talk about the implications of physical violence of any sort.  He, too, suggested that I at least have women's shelter info on hand in case I need a safe haven, and he talked with me about how to approach the incident with my H, which I did this weekend, in a long talk, as you can imagine.  I won't try to reproduce it, except to say that he felt remorse and embarrassment and said that he was going to go into therapy.  He also said that I should ask him about it this week, to make sure that he had followed up.  Meanwhile, he cleaned and played with our daughter and took our son fishing--was the model dad, as ever.  

Me, I go back and forth. I am in a particularly busy time at work, with a LOT of people depending on me at the moment to get through their own hurdle in the next month, but I have been able to carve out some creative activities that are giving me pleasure, and I feel good about having been able to talk through the incident opening and honestly and, I think productively. But, of course, I am also frustrated that in all this, my other needs are, as ever, sitting on a shelf, gathering dust.  But I think that what keeps me going, and actually pretty happy, is a deep belief in the eros of life itself--that eros is not limited to sex--and that the eros of life which includes but is not limited to sex is no mere sublimation but imbues every creative action and mindful human interaction with meaning and therefore some satisfaction.  Sorry if that sounds flaky and culty.  But I do feel it.  I suppose it is what others get from religion--and maybe, even for me, it extends that far--or at least points to mystery.  Yikes!  I don't have time to be writing this now... So I'll just sign off and give a wave to y'all, including Slender, Andrea, Turtle, SweetPotato, LLW, Rose, Blue, and everyone else, including the sometimes amusing, emotionally interesting, and ever predictable sock puppet theater of FB/Diet Coach/M2/Brady/etc.  I wish you all a wonderful week full of peace, wonder, and joy in small things.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

You sound positive and proactive.   You used this opportunity as a teaching moment for your husband, and for some limit setting.   I think most of us have lashed out physically at others, but he is too big, he could hurt people and I am sure he does not want that.   It seems that he is a great Dad, and that is a strength that both of you can use.  

That said, I am sure you have (internally at least) put him on a type of probation.  He even has asked that you do so: watching his progress, helping him to make good his promises, and being supportive.  

Life is more than just sex, but isn't that what makes marriage special, having a sexual part of someone?   However, you do not want only that.   The physical problems of obesity curtails so much!   Even if sex is difficult, as you said, you can find something to please yourself mentally and creatively and that is a kind of sensual experience too.   We have to make of it what we can.   LIATS

LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Mme.X
Hi MMX,

I just read through this thread and I was deeply saddened to hear of your husband's violent outburst.  From all you've written about him through the years (?) I never thought him to be physically abusive, but rather, as you've always said - depressed.  I can imagine how he must feel to be a disappointment (in some ways) to you as well as the general, unpleasant daily things that go hand-in-hand with being so large.  Not many people (I imagine) feel good mentally, physically, or spiritually at 350#.  And ultimately, I'm sure he sees the writing on the wall - a future without you - which is difficult if not devastating.  

There is no cookie cutter pattern for relationships - the beginnings, or the ends.  Each one must play out in it's own way, at it's own place.  I do know this: when it's time to go you will KNOW.  I left an abusive marriage (verbal and physical) over 12 years ago with two young sons, and I had already overstayed by about 10 years at the point I left.  But for so long I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, or figure out how to make it work, and I too meticulously planned my way out, and it was a slow process.  But time as we all know eventually passes.  You and your children will be OK.  In the meantime, I highly recommend listening whenever possible to videos (YouTube) of self-help, motivational speakers.  I know many aren't fans of this, but sometimes they are able to articulate things in a way that is SO empowering.  My personal favorites...Les Brown, Tony Robbins, Bob Proctor.

I'll leave you with a couple of favorite quotes used by Les Brown (I cannot say if they are original or not, but I like them):

"When going through hell, don't stop! Keep going"

"Refuse to die an unlived life"  and...

"If life knocks you down, try to land on your back because if you can look up, you can get up"
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

Hi, LLW, and also LIATS, and thanks for your comments. They mean a lot to me! This situation feels lonely and embarrassing, and it's not the sort of thing one talks about with one's friends--I mean, the weight thing issue was taboo enough, and now the violent episode... what quicker way to be transformed into the psychological equivalent of a cancer patient who can't just be seen as a normal human being anymore?  Okay, that's an over-statement.  But the situation is not one I feel like talking about to most people, even though paradoxically I very much want feedback, so I really appreciate getting your thoughtful, supportive, and sympathetic comments.  Thanks.

I, too, feel that I am working this out my own way, and I am stepping forward in my own way, and I am juggling it all in my own way, and none of that can happen in an instant (rather, it can, but I don't want it to--too precipitous, too operatic, too hard on lovely kids who are very happy, thank you very much).  

I talked briefly with my husband this morning before coming to work.  He'd printed out some counselling sites, including a place that specializes in domestic violence, and he said that he would try to call one of them today and that he would keep me posted.  I told him that I would be very happy if he would.  I also said that I am still processing all that's happened, and that even though I think what he needs is hugging and affection and support, that I feel unable to give much beyond a pat on the back, and that I'm not trying to give him the "cold" treatment, but that I am in a space that is hard to describe.  He said he understood.

I might be deluding myself, but this "feels" different.  He knows he crossed a line; I, too, have crossed a line (50).  I was re-reading Conrad's "The Shadow-Line" last week, marvelous story - how it speaks to me!, even though it's about a young captain of a sailing ship on his first command, and not a woman in a mid-life crisis.  But maybe a becalmed and malaria-stricken ship is not so different from a marriage in crisis.  And the shadow-lines of life--the murky times when the structure one has taken for granted seems to have evaporated, leaving one on the brink of insanity--these are real and they recur, at every age, perhaps. But Conrad (my Tony Robbins?) depicts how the eyes, the shared glance, of another can stabilize one.  So thanks for your postings, which offer that moment of contact, when one feels another soul trying to understand one, and one senses these shared struggles.  

Thank you.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

I, too, find meanings in stories about my life!  I haven't read any Conrad, but I find Alice Munro writes about everyday people who find change thrust upon them and have to see themselves differently.   It seems her stories are usually about marriage, too, and how it falls short.   I am amazed that marriages can last a long time.   I wonder what kind of endurance contests the partners are having.    Off to bed for me  now, is very late!  LIATS
Mr. Anonymous Mr. Anonymous
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

In reply to this post by Mr. Anonymous
I recently found out that my obese ex-girlfriend is now my ex-obese ex-girlfriend. It looks like she finally was able to turn her life around and shed serious pounds. It turns out the best thing for her was to break up with me. Based on pictures I've seen on Facebook, she's looking slim and  good again. I guess it took being broken up with to finally lose some weight. We were together for about 4.5 years, and she was obese for about 4 years, without ever losing much weight at all. Interesting, and not surprising that now she is single she has decided to take her weight seriously.

Of course, I am a little tempted to get back in contact with her, but I won't. She had serious flaws aside from her obesity, and it's very possible that she will backslide into obesity. Still, for all of you who still with your obese significant others out of guilt: it is very much possible that your obese SO will lose weight and be able to find someone new after you break up. I used to be racked by guilt because I viewed my ex-gf as basically helpless, and I thought she would be screwed in life without me. I'm sure she went through hard times being single, but clearly she's pulled through, and she's managed to become attractive again. With any luck, she will be able to find a new boyfriend soon.
Slenderwife Slenderwife
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Re: Nearly 1 year since breaking up with fat ex-gf: Update

Wow, how Gift of the Magi, Mr. A. Sounds like you're keeping your head, so good job.

My husband is working at breaking through his weight loss plateau by lifting weights again. He's still too fat for good sex, but I initiate sometimes as a reminder that he's better than he was. Influencing them is a careful balance between the stick and the carrot, you know?
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