New Here; need help, am losing hope

classic Classic list List threaded Threaded
33 messages Options
12
stuckinvoid stuckinvoid
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

New Here; need help, am losing hope

Hi there,
I was so relieved to find this forum. My husband is overweight and I am at my wits end. He is 6'0" and weighs 350. It impacts every part of our life.
He wont do anything active with me, not even a walk. We were planning a trip to Yellowstone, but he wants to see it from the car- no hikes. Why bother?
He does almost nothing with me and my kids (from previous marriage). When he is not working, he lays in bed all day napping and watching TV with the shades drawn and lights out. He works a lot from home and this means he puts the laptop in our bed and works from there. I can barely go in our room during the day for fear of waking him up.
He is diabetic and god knows what else. I'm not sure if he would tell me.
He eats all his meals in our bedroom, not with us. It is like living with a ghost.
Sex with him is uncomfortable and difficult, because he is not okay in more than 2 positions and even then it is uncomfortable for me.
He is very lazy, probably because everything wears him out. He is a slob and hoards ton of memorabilia that he is collecting. He considers one hour cleaning up the garage or moving a few boxes a FULL day. I have tried to get him to do things without any mention of his weight. Just to join us, but he wont do it; walking the dog, going to the park, hiking, skating, biking, etc. He eats junk and sweets constantly. and a lot of meat. hardly any veggies or fruit. I cannot stop him. He eats what he wants and just buys it himself. My kids and I are all slim and in order for my kids to have a box of cookies in the house, they have to hide them in their bedroom, or else he will eat most of them.
I am losing hope and feel absolutely depressed about my situation. He just doesn’t care, and I resent that he wont do anything. Most of all, I resent that he is just throwing his life away, and he is going to end up in a wheelchair or worse, and I am not physically strong enough to become this man’s caretaker. He is also wasting the time time of me and my children, barely spending any time with us. I don’t know how he can just waste away in our bedroom watching endless re-runs. How does he not hear the groaning furniture, see that he can’t ties his own shoelaces without a struggle, or not hear his labored breathing and just run to the cross-trainer. We have one in the living room. He put it there, but NEVER uses it. I am so turned off by everything about this guy, I am beside myself with grief. and he is in denial happily getting fatter.
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

Welcome!  I am a bit of a newbie here myself.  However, from want I've read so far, your story is FAR from atypical.  I completely sympathize with your story.  :-(  Many parts of it ring true with my own.

All I can offer is what I think I might do...  and that's an ultimatum.  I've worked hard in myself this last year, dropped weight, toned up, and desperately tried to set the example... all the while doing my best to encourage and invite her in my own transformation.  40 pounds later, i am in the best shape of my life and have come to realize that my wife is not the person I thought she would be.  I really thought she'd  be thrilled and would join me.  I am sad to say that's an not the case.

So, with that said, I've finally come to the conclusion that i have to tell it to her straight and kettle the chips fall where they may.  Have you already tried this?  does he know how you feel?  My wife does... but she still.hasn't taken seriously enough yet.  There must be consequences, I believe.  Losing you might just have to be laid out on the table.  I've ultimately realized that for my situation.

He'll either change or he won't.  Continue to work on yourself, in the meantime.  Give it a while to soak into his head.  Eventually, you might have to cut him loose.  I dread that, personally for myself.  But life is just to short to be unhappy...
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by stuckinvoid
Forgive my testing skills... Lol!
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

Texting... Grrr...  Damn you autocorrect...
stuckinvoid stuckinvoid
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

@Bryman- Thanks for your support. I did kind of confront him last night and he got defensive. Said he can leave if I don't like being with a fat person. Well, sadly that might happen, because my resentment is eating me up. I wake up almost every morning now thinking about how much time I have wasted with this man. I want a normal relationship where we do things together. He doesn't have to run a marathon, but just GETTING OUT OF BED  would be a start, opening the blinds,....hell, maybe sit out in the back yard.  Ugh...
 I am really sorry you are going thru the same thing. HUGS!
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

No problem, Stuck. And thanks for the hugs.  I read your post in the other thread last night.  Your comments about overweight/obese people calling themselves "big and beautiful" were spot on.  No one is perfect... but calling poor health beautiful is like putting sprinkles on a turd, in my opinion.  Lol!

Your confrontation last night needed to happen.  Don't ever feel bad for bringing this issue up with him.  It takes courage...  Something I personally need a little more of.  Once it's out there, don't back down.  Stand firm.  Otherwise, he won't take it seriously.  Trust me.  I've learned this...  Eventually, he'll either cave in and change or he'll get tired if it and move on.

With that said, I've been thinking of slightly more subtle ways to get my wife motivated.  For example... I've been posting articles on health and fitness to my FB profile, posting memes, and giving updates on my own progress.  I get a lot of comments from our mutual friends, and it's been agitating her.  :-)  She's definitely uncomfortable.  Bear in mind, i'm not trying to be spiteful.  I just want to shake her out of her comfort zone enough to elicit a response.  It may be that we finally have it out (again) and there won't be any denying anymore of our problem.

Something to think about...  Call it the warm up round before the actual match.  Do you go out a lot?  Stay active?  exercise?  Eat well?  If so, kept it up.  That's  what I've been doing... Not just for myself... But to let her know that this js the standard of living that I've set for myself .  If she wants us to be together, she's gotta step up and play her role.

Good luck to you!  please keep me updated, if you don't mind.  It's so good to finally hear someone that is going through the same ordeal as I am.
Andrea T Andrea T
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by stuckinvoid
It drives me NUTS when  fat people (like me)  whine about how the "can't " be active. I can't be the only active fatty in the world.

WTH, completely agree

My best friend and I are both obese. She's diabetic and  not very active.  However she and I  walked all over Portland , including  some ridiculously graded hills . She didn't complain until both our  ankles and heels  said "forget you" after about 10 miles of walking and hill climbing. She's still  alive. I can't WAIT  to  find and restore a bike  for that  lady. I've done 70+ mile bike  rides so it can be done, even if he'd need a special heavy duty  bicycle. Sigh, it's probably  a waste of money  since he doesn't sound like the type to use it.

Stuck, you're  describing the way my uncle died. He spent the last  year of his life   sequestered in his  over-heated home (it was like an oven, my mom and I had to keep running outside to cool off and breathe) in front of his TV. It felt like a slap in our faces (since we were doing his grocery shopping and  checking everything to  meet his dialysis limitations) to find all the junk food in the house.

Gotta go,  the rain stopped, off to the bike shop!
Frustrated09 Frustrated09
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

This post was updated on .
In reply to this post by stuckinvoid
stuckinvoid wrote
Hi there,
I was so relieved to find this forum. My husband is overweight and I am at my wits end. He is 6'0" and weighs 350. It impacts every part of our life.
He wont do anything active with me, not even a walk. We were planning a trip to Yellowstone, but he wants to see it from the car- no hikes. Why bother?
He does almost nothing with me and my kids (from previous marriage). When he is not working, he lays in bed all day napping and watching TV with the shades drawn and lights out. He works a lot from home and this means he puts the laptop in our bed and works from there. I can barely go in our room during the day for fear of waking him up.
He is diabetic and god knows what else. I'm not sure if he would tell me.
He eats all his meals in our bedroom, not with us. It is like living with a ghost.
Sex with him is uncomfortable and difficult, because he is not okay in more than 2 positions and even then it is uncomfortable for me.
He is very lazy, probably because everything wears him out. He is a slob and hoards ton of memorabilia that he is collecting. He considers one hour cleaning up the garage or moving a few boxes a FULL day. I have tried to get him to do things without any mention of his weight. Just to join us, but he wont do it; walking the dog, going to the park, hiking, skating, biking, etc. He eats junk and sweets constantly. and a lot of meat. hardly any veggies or fruit. I cannot stop him. He eats what he wants and just buys it himself. My kids and I are all slim and in order for my kids to have a box of cookies in the house, they have to hide them in their bedroom, or else he will eat most of them.
I am losing hope and feel absolutely depressed about my situation. He just doesn’t care, and I resent that he wont do anything. Most of all, I resent that he is just throwing his life away, and he is going to end up in a wheelchair or worse, and I am not physically strong enough to become this man’s caretaker. He is also wasting the time time of me and my children, barely spending any time with us. I don’t know how he can just waste away in our bedroom watching endless re-runs. How does he not hear the groaning furniture, see that he can’t ties his own shoelaces without a struggle, or not hear his labored breathing and just run to the cross-trainer. We have one in the living room. He put it there, but NEVER uses it. I am so turned off by everything about this guy, I am beside myself with grief. and he is in denial happily getting fatter.
Wanna trade? Haha! My wife is 5'-0" and 235 pounds. I am 5'7" 142 pounds.

I, like you, am filled with resentment.

Want to go ride with me and the kids? She can't do that.

Want to go hike a 14er in Colorado with us? Nope can't do that either.

Shit, she tried to ride a bike around the neighborhood and got worn out after 6 miles, I just did 100 miles this past summer with only three months training.

It sucks - when we dated and before we married we were both athletes, now she is that fat mom I always made fun of when I was a kid.  Doesn't she realize that growing up is hard enough without having the fattest mom.
Frustrated09 Frustrated09
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by Bryman
No one is perfect... but calling poor health beautiful is like putting sprinkles on a turd, in my opinion.  Lol! Priceless, that's effen funny, highlight of my day!

With that said, I've been thinking of slightly more subtle ways to get my wife motivated.  For example... I've been posting articles on health and fitness to my FB profile, posting memes, and giving updates on my own progress.  I get a lot of comments from our mutual friends, and it's been agitating her.  :-)  She's definitely uncomfortable.  Bear in mind, i'm not trying to be spiteful.  I just want to shake her out of her comfort zone enough to elicit a response.  It may be that we finally have it out (again) and there won't be any denying anymore of our problem. I do this too. I use www.dailymile.com to log my mileage and it autopost to twitter - so nearly everyday my friends and spouse get a tweet of my physical acitvities. Been doing this for 6 months or so, has had no encouraging affect on my spouse unfortunately, but has for some of my friends

Good luck to you!  please keep me updated, if you don't mind.  It's so good to finally hear someone that is going through the same ordeal as I am. Stay strong
Voice Of Reason Voice Of Reason
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by stuckinvoid
Find a real man and leave him. If that does not shock him into reality nothing will.
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by Frustrated09
Frustrated, I'm glad I made your day with my comment.  :-) I have to keep a sense of humor about this sometimes.  Otherwise, I would go crazy.  Stuck, this is one thing that i forgot to mention to you in my last response... Don't despair.  Don't allow his self-destructive (and selfish, i might add) behavior to suck all of the joy out of your life.  Take your kids out somewhere frequently and have fun together.  If he wants to be pathetic and lay in bed all day then fine.  You and the kids don't have to hang around there.  The more you're away the more he'll realize that he's being a fat turd.  :-)

I mentioned this briefly, but it bears mentioning again.  You can't change him.  Only he can do that for himself.  Work on yourself for a.while.  Eat well and get into the best shape you can.  Again, have fun and go out.  And finally, save some money.  You might need it if and when you decide to exit the relationship.  If you have any debt, now would be.a good time to get some of that paid down or paid off.  If possible...  

Happy thanksgiving!!  
Frustrated09 Frustrated09
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

Bryman wrote
Frustrated, I'm glad I made your day with my comment.  :-) I have to keep a sense of humor about this sometimes.  Otherwise, I would go crazy.  Stuck, this is one thing that i forgot to mention to you in my last response... Don't despair.  Don't allow his self-destructive (and selfish, i might add) behavior to suck all of the joy out of your life.  Take your kids out somewhere frequently and have fun together.  If he wants to be pathetic and lay in bed all day then fine.  You and the kids don't have to hang around there.  The more you're away the more he'll realize that he's being a fat turd.  :-)

I mentioned this briefly, but it bears mentioning again.  You can't change him.  Only he can do that for himself.  Work on yourself for a.while.  Eat well and get into the best shape you can.  Again, have fun and go out.  And finally, save some money.  You might need it if and when you decide to exit the relationship.  If you have any debt, now would be.a good time to get some of that paid down or paid off.  If possible...  

Happy thanksgiving!!
Absolutely! I have always maintained my health and spend time with my kids. As I have eluded to in the past, I resent the fact that my wife can't particiate in activites of our children and mine. When we met, we were both athletes and now, 20 years later I am still the athlete she met, but she is not the athlete I met. Our three children are all fit and enjoy playing sports (no Division 1 stars or anything), and I coach many of their teams. We recently went to Colorado and climed a 14er, she could barley walk around in the altitude. This past August I completed a triple threat race in Wichita Falls that included a 12 mile mountain bike ride, a 100 mile road ride, and a half marathon. Did I mention I have some resentment? Here is a picture of the family walking down the mall - three kids, 12, 11, 9 all fit, husband, 5'-7" and 145, and the wife, 5'-0" and 235ish. Ever play the puzzle game "What's the difference"
Slenderwife Slenderwife
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

I wonder how it would go over if a person said "I'm so attracted to the thinner you. Bring him/her back", rather than "your fatness turns me off"

My husband is climbing his way out of fatitude and one thing that he deals with is culture. People are asking him if he got sick, keep in mind he's still overweight! People still use the phrase "clean your plate", and say "good job" if you finish a large meal.

 I'm not shallow for hating the fat. It brings body odor problems, laziness, selfishness, lying, and sadness.
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by Frustrated09
Frustrated, your story is so compelling.  I've read posts here and there from you... and I'd like to know more about your long term plans, if you don't mind me asking.  Your kids are still pretty young.  Do you plan on toughing it out for a while until they are out of the nest, or do your plans have more immediate actions?  Divorce?  Have you given up hope, or do you still think there's a chance that she'll change?  What about your sex life... has that disappeared?

The reason I ask is because I feel like I am at a critical juncture in my you married life.  I am only 33, we don't have children, and we don't own a home together.  YET.  We've only been together for a couple of years.  However... She's definitely on the baby rampage here recently.  I want the same things as she does... just without the weight and the grossness.  Well, I'll go on to add a healthy lifestyle too.  That IS important to me, as well.  I've mad serious changes in my in life and have been so frustrated with her utter lack of drive.  It seeks that she's just settled into a terrifying comfort zone... full of self entitlement.

You know what some folks say, "You HAVE TO lbe attracted to your partner no matter what... even if they gain a million pounds."  **ugh**  That doesn't sound like love.  It sounds like a prison sentence...  
Frustrated09 Frustrated09
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

This post was updated on .
Frustrated, your story is so compelling.  I've read posts here and there from you... and I'd like to know more about your long term plans, if you don't mind me asking.  Your kids are still pretty young.  Do you plan on toughing it out for a while until they are out of the nest, or do your plans have more immediate actions?  My "plan" is to tough it out for 9 more years when my youngest graduates high school. We are a single income family, and although my wife is somewhat lazy, the kid shuttling, grocery shopping, and the like are things that would be detremental to our only income, i.e. for financial and logistical reasons my kids would need to drop out of most of their extra curricular activities - why should they suffer for our actions? Not to mention we bought a house 6 years ago and selling it now would be a significant loss.

Divorce?  Think about it daily, but I still conclude the cons out weigh (no pun intended) the pros. I am selfhishly using my marriage as a nanny service for my kids

Have you given up hope, or do you still think there's a chance that she'll change?  I have given up - when someone gains mor ethan their original weight - they haven given up themselves - she has not only given up on herself, but on me too. What I have done positively for myself is continue to be the best I can be as a father and I have re-engaged in activities that I want to pursue (biking, running, etc...)

What about your sex life... has that disappeared? Once a month is the usual frequency, sometime twice a month, then the next month none at all. Definitely lights off. The panicculus is the greatest turn off one will ever have to endure.

The reason I ask is because I feel like I am at a critical juncture in my married life.  I am only 33, we don't have children, and we don't own a home together.  YET.  We've only been together for a couple of years.  However... She's definitely on the baby rampage here recently.  NO, No, NO. Kids are the only reason I refuse to get out of this relationship. I could tough out the living in a hotel and supporting the ex with alimony, but I can't abandon my kids. I coach a lot of youth sports, and I can honestly tell you which kids are in single family homes. There is nothing bad about them, they just don't have that family structure in place as it was meant to be. Also, the home we bought in 2006 is another huge burden that will not allow me to escape. At your age and stage in the game, I would recommend not buying a home and remaining mobile in today's job market. Poeple will tell you renting is throwing money away, well I have been throwing money away and I am still under water - at least if I was renting I would be at a break even point.

I want the same things as she does... just without the weight and the grossness.  What exaclty do you guys want - statement is unclear Well, I'll go on to add a healthy lifestyle too.  That IS important to me, as well.  I've mad serious changes in my in life and have been so frustrated with her utter lack of drive.  It seeks that she's just settled into a terrifying comfort zone... full of self entitlement.

You know what some folks say, "You HAVE TO be attracted to your partner no matter what... even if they gain a million pounds."  **ugh**  That doesn't sound like love.  It sounds like a prison sentence... Poeple will tell you it is the aging process - BS - In 20 years that my wife and I have known each other I have gained 10 pounds (135 to 145) so the whole it's a part of aging is BS. You will get the unconditional love thing also - BS
To be fair to my wife, I went to counseling and after 3 visits it was brought to my attention that there are deep emotional tramua(s) that my wife is either compensating for our protecting herself from, i.e. she over eats to compensate for some void in her life and/or she over eats to giver hersef a protective barrier (typical of abused individuals - not that she has ever confessed to being abused)

I haven't looked to far for any of your post - so give me some background please:

You - age/weight when you met  and now
Her - same thing

Any tramua occur prior to or during your relationship?

Are you single income or double

Any other pertinent information? Compatablity test? Love Languages? ETC?
FastFoodBlues FastFoodBlues
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by Bryman
Bryman- thanks for the good advice - i do go out with my kids, try to stay active and do fun things together, but how do I do this without feeling resentful?  because that is how I feel? I am surrounded by familes and couples and I know he should be with us, but he would rather dig his grave at home.  My kids think he is lame, because ... he is lame.
I am tired of making excuses for him when others ask where he is. I cant even have friends over, because I am embarrassed by the guaranteed question
Where is ---?
Oh, he wont come down because he is too fat, too lazy, and it would burn too many calories to lift off the bed and say hello to you. He is in a hostess induced coma.
Bryman- I saw that you are only 33, no kids, not a homeowner. I agree with Frustrateds advice to you of "no no no"
Just please move forward very cautiously. First, houses are a huge money pit and they will tie you down to her just as children will.  I thank god I dont have children with this man. He does have one adult child from his 1st marriage and he has the same gluttonous eating habits and is working his way up to his dad's weight.  
He and I do own a house together and it was huge mistake. It makes it harder to walk away and I have gotten shouldered with 100% of the maintenance, upkeep, cleaning and yard work. Another source of resentment. I would suggest you run away as fast as you can, but I know it's not that easy and I should take my own advice.

Frustrated- what do you tell your kids when their mom wont/cant do things with all of you?

Frustrated09 Frustrated09
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

This post was updated on .
stuckinvoid wrote
Frustrated- what do you tell your kids when their mom wont/cant do things with all of you?
I don't tell them anything. We just go do it. An example will be next weekend - we are all running a 5K at our elementary school. My wife - who will not be running is in charge of awards - so she will be there - just not participating physically. When I did my big 3 day race this past summer - it was just me and my training partner. When we climbed a 14er in Colorado this past summer, my youngest, who has asthma stayed with my wife and they putzed around town while me and the other two climbed. Right now, with the limited daylight, I run after work at the local gym two days a week, I will sneak off early on Fridays to go ride the local trails and I will try to get another two rides in over the weekend - one with my kids and one just me.

My wife is very busy - she is a professional volunteer - lots of hours and no pay. She fills her life with activities galore - unfortunately none of these activities are physical. When she is not sick (which she is a great deal) she is never home - always doing something, and the house reflects this - it is messy, unkept, dinner is rarely prepared, laundry is always behind - and yes, I do my part - I am an OCD neat freak so I do what I can, but slowly - over the past 12 years I have given up on the home just the same as I have on her ever getting better. We are a single income, and I put in my time at the office, help run the shuttle service of kids activities in the evenings, and sneak in some physical activities when I can - then mow the grass, rake the leaves, wash the car, change the oil, laundry, etc... She drops of the last kid at 8:00am and doesn't pick up the first until 3:20pm - that leaves a 7 hour window 5 days a week to take care of things, yet I feel that I spend my weekends taking care of shit myself.

I will say this, I am realizing that everything is relative. I look at thse who have spouses who don't even leave the house and suppose I should feel fortunate that my wife "only" has a BMI of 45 and still is capable of leaving the house, then there is probably someone out there that has a spouse that has a BMI of say 30 and looks at my situation and is in utter disbelief that I am still around with this indivdual.
FastFoodBlues FastFoodBlues
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

Frustrated- I agree with you it is all relative. Sometimes I will see another spouses bad behavior and think "Oh I would never put up with that, but then I have to remind myself that they might not put up with my husband."
He is able to hold down a job, but he really only has to go in to work 2 days a week and the rest of time is spent in bed in the dark watching tv with his work laptop.
He could go out with us  - he is still mobile- but he chooses not to. And when he RARELY does join us, he acts miserable. The only activity he enjoys is the movies, but I can't stand having him spill into my seat while he stuffs his face the whole two hours. Needless to say, I have not gone lately.

My kids do ask sometimes. They definitely wish he would come. He just doesn't give a crap.

I am sorry that you are going thru this. It is weird- my x husband was/ is very active. We did a lot together. Camping, hiking, biking and going places. We always had plans every weekend to fo fun things with the kids.  I dont regret the divorce, because we had other big problems, but I just never imagined someone (my husband) would choose to be this cut off from life and the world.
Frustrated09 Frustrated09
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

stuckinvoid wrote
Frustrated- I agree with you it is all relative. Sometimes I will see another spouses bad behavior and think "Oh I would never put up with that, but then I have to remind myself that they might not put up with my husband."
He is able to hold down a job, but he really only has to go in to work 2 days a week and the rest of time is spent in bed in the dark watching tv with his work laptop. What kind of job does he have? Honestly there are only two things I like to do in bed, and one of them is fading fast, the other is sleep.He could go out with us  - he is still mobile- but he chooses not to. And when he RARELY does join us, he acts miserable. The only activity he enjoys is the movies, but I can't stand having him spill into my seat while he stuffs his face the whole two hours. Needless to say, I have not gone lately. Take the kids, go with friends, enjoy what you can in this situation!

My kids do ask sometimes. They definitely wish he would come. He just doesn't give a crap. Sad, pathetic, can't find any nice words to say, sorry

I am sorry that you are going thru this. It is weird- my x husband was/ is very active. We did a lot together. Camping, hiking, biking and going places. We always had plans every weekend to fo fun things with the kids.  I dont regret the divorce, because we had other big problems, but I just never imagined someone (my husband) would choose to be this cut off from life and the world.
Bryman Bryman
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: New Here; need help, am losing hope

In reply to this post by FastFoodBlues
ck, to answer your question about resentment...  Let me put it this way...  Would you rather be stuck in the house resenting him, or would you rather be out and away when you resent him?  I deal with the absolute same thing as you, in this regard.  I like going out and being active, and it PAINS me to know that my wife is at home staring at the idiot box.  I too see all of the couples out there-- fit, sexy, and living life-- and i also get very sad and lonely because of it.  Sometimes downright angry.  All I can say is acknowledge it and try not to dwell on it. Continue to be the best person you can be.

It seems i have lapsed a bit on replies to both you and Frustrated...  So let me catch up here...  Yes, kids and a house are both out of the question for me at this time.  I have just decided this here the other day.    Thanks for confirming what I already knew to be right.  :-)  I am NOT getting tied down in all of that until this issue gets sorted out.  I want these things, don't get me wrong. I just know that if they were to happen now, with things being as they are, that it would seal my doom.  I'd grow old and miserable in a damn hurry.  I plan on delivering my ultimatum to her very soon, and the prospect of a house and kids will be put out on the table.  "If you want this from me, then you need to step it up and make some changes."  I don't pretend to believe that it will be a hallmark moment for us, and i fully anticipate a tantrum of the likes this world has never seen.  Oh well... It is what is, I guess.

To my wife's credit, she's not a food glutton.  Thank God.  Her problem is sloth, coupled with poor diet.  Typically, she has a bagle and a cup of coffee for breakfast... and then... she'll STARVE all day.  When she gets home we eat a moderately sized meal.  What gets her is that, as soon as she gets home, she IMMEDIATELY puts on her frumpy  dump pajamas and heads straight for the couch.  On average, she'll watch about three to four hours of TV on the couch.  After dinner, she'll putz around on the couch some more with her smart phone and then head to bed... to watch netflix and hulu on her lap top for a couple of hours.  Uhh!  It drives me crazy!  She has the audacity to complain about us not talking or having much intimacy... yet she does very little to initiate it.  I don't like having to compete with the cable box and wifi for her attention...

We've  made some progress, however, in recent days.  I plan on putting "both"of us on a diet and demanding that she go out on intimate walks me.  I think she has finally acknowledged our breakdown in communication, and that our nightly/daily routine has been a major contributor.  I might just have the leverage I need to bring about change in our relationship.  I'm crazy ridiculous in shape now... and she knows it.  I'm out with friends a lot.  I dress sexier.  I keep busy with my exercise regime, and i find stuff to do outside on a regular basis.  Our lives are quite divergent... and are becoming more so with time.  I guess you could say that these are the "natural consequences" of what she has chosen for herself.  TV over me.  I think she finally understands that she's running a serious risk of losing me, and i plan on making that clear to her... so there won't be any doubts.

Is it fool proof?  I don't know...  Without a doubt, it's all coming to some kind of fruition.  Either way, I plan on having my happily ever after.  With or without her.  I am hoping for with...  I don't think it's all a lost cause just yet.
12