I'm a new member here. I, as everyone here I'm sure at first, feel lost. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, help, or just someone to tell me that they have been there and it will be ok.
My story starts with dating a girl who everyone said "she's a good girl. She's the type you marry". Even tho she was a big girl then, I dated her. We met at age 26. She was 300 lbs then. I always hoped she'd lose weight. Hope is what I believed in. We married 5 years later and she was still 300 pounds. After 3 beautiful kids later, and 16 years or marriage, she is at a whopping 400 pounds.
She has never worked, never contributed financially to our household. The house is messy. She really isn't an asset to this household at all. There is no sex. I can't stomach it. Literally.
She wants to lose the weight, but she sit in the couch eating junk and sitting on here phone all day. It's affecting the kids. I am self employeed and am lucky that I can support my family, even if it's just barely.
I'm angry! Very angry! She doesn't work, yet has no problem spending money and driving everywhere. She is destroying a $55k vehicle by driving almost 30,000 miles a year to just "run errands". She's so large that she destroyed furniture, the seat in our vehicles, toilets, the bed, the tile floors in our new home. The worst part is my sex life. I use to be extremely horny, sexually driven. I don't want to be intimate with her. I feel like she took my sex life away from me
This woman isn't an asset to me. She is a liability. I'm so angry and sad. I never thought my life would be like this.
I don't know what to do. She won't exercise. She won't eat healthy. She won't contribute to this family.
Before everyone gets angry at me, I have tried all the typical solutions. She just likes this 400 pound lifestyle. Divorce is not an option. I'm not an ugly guy. I'm in good shape 6' and 220 pounds). I have women approach me often, but cheating is not an option either. I'm a grown man, and I shouldn't be hiding in the shower crying everyday.
I don't know what to do...
Dispie what my post sounds like, I do love this woman and I will stay by her side. But it's so frustrating
I'm curious, why would you date and marry a 300 lb. woman? That qualifies as morbid obesity. Were you ok with 300 lbs. but not 400 lbs? You married her knowing she was obese, hoping she would lose weight after you married. Doesn't happen that way. With the exception of a few, people who are that heavy tend to stay that way (read the many posts on this website). The situation isn't going to change. You decide either you are ok with her weight, or leave. You can have "the talk" with her (again, see other posts) first, and give her the choice of losing weight, and staying married to you, or keeping the weight and losing you. Good luck.
Thanks for the response. To clarify, I was never ok with her weight. But we are told that the weight shouldn't matter. You're a pos if you chose to not date someone based on their weight. We are to accept them no matter what the weight. Blah blah blah! So I did what I thought was right. She was big then, but she was a good girl. I just assumed she would lose the weight at some point. I never thought id be in a sexless, resentful marriage. I was 6 ft and 185 when we met. I have always been in good shape. But after so many years, her weight is the root of every problem.
Sad, are you Craig (from above)? I am so sorry you are going through this. If I sounded harsh in my previous post, I apologize. The frustration can eat you alive! Making the decision to stay or not is tough. If you have young kids, makes it even tougher. The thing is, weight DOES matter, and not just for appearances. The health concerns, limited mobility, inability to do things together, etc. all a result of weight gain. I cannot fathom why someone would not take care of themselves and their appearance; it just baffles me. Don't let anyone shame or guilt you about the way you are feeling - it is a natural response. Physical attraction is a part of a relationship, and should not be neglected by either partner. I too am in a sexless, passionless marriage. He probably things that it is my drive that is low, but in reality it's his pregnant belly that is a huge turn off. He is a handsome man, but his face, neck and throat have become engulfed in fat. I can't remember the last time I saw his jawline! I haven't had "the talk" with him yet, I am dreading it. He is very sensitive and does not take criticism well. He has hypertension and is on meds for it, and the abdominal fat puts him at a significantly higher risk for heart attack, stroke, type 2 diabetes etc.. I keeping hoping he will get a clue and get rid of the extra weight.
If your wife has always been big, she will probably continue to be. If she was big when you married, she might have taken it as that you were ok with her being big. If she's a great person, as you said, and you don't want to leave the relationship, then, IMHO, you either find a way to be attracted to her, or sit her down and tell her how you are feeling. Let her know that you love her very much, and that you want a long, healthy life together, and that the extra weight is affecting that. Show her a BMI chart, and where she falls on that. Maybe that would get her motivated. I wish I had a better answer. I so understand what you are feeling. Keep talking, even if it's on here. The frustration , desperation, helplessness and despair can drive you insane.
Hang in there.
So sorry to hear this. As to those wondering why he married her at 300 lbs : pressure!!! Like he said, he was a jerk if he didn't look past it then. Now his reward is being a jerk if he leaves.
Now to spinoff on the topic of being approached, it is damn hard to resist the temptation. Recently, I've been persued by someone very attractive. I had to shut it down. Because someone who will help you cheat will treat you like garbage once they're done with you. But it's a unique type of longing. Good luck to you!!