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Violet Violet
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New to this site...

Hi,

I found this site when I googled, "My husband doesn't want to have sex with me (anymore)because he is fat." I tried everything else, "Is my husband gay?" "Does my husband not find me attractive anymore?" "Is my husband having an affair?" and nothing else really seemed to fit.

My husband and I met over 14 years ago. Overtime he has put on more weight and has started going grey and bald. He is 6'3 and could probably stand to lose at least 50lbs (maybe more?). I don't know how much he weighs anymore but he has man boobs and a big belly. This worries me the most because having fat around the middle is the most dangerous for your health.

I know he is also depressed. He's suffered from depression (up and down) since we met. We broke up once (before we got married or even engaged) because his depression took away everything he enjoyed and he was hitting a rock bottom. I gave him an ultimatum to see a doctor and he wouldn't, so we broke up. Later, he admitted a week after we broke up, he got to the doctor and got a script for meds. He didn't stay on the meds, though he had admitted they made him feel better but they also did not help his arousal. I am not sure why he stopped taking the meds and he never wanted to try a different type to see if that would not effect his arousal.

I am not perfect. but...I've always been the one with the fast metabolism. I'm small. However, I was on medication for anxiety and it caused me to gain 50 lbs. While far from obese, I was the heaviest I'd ever been. It took me over a year but I lost the 50 lbs by being more active (I have a fitness device) and tracking my food. I still eat mostly the same things but I eat smaller portions. I also gave up soda over 2 years ago and I cut back on fried food. I still track my food and that's made the biggest difference because I am more mindful of what's going in and out calorie-wise.

I know I don't help matters because we both don't cook much at home. Eating out a lot is part of the problem but I haven't buckled down and cooked many meals at home. I used to make my husband's lunch for work but I also got tired of doing that for him. I know its not my responsibility to make him or help him lose weight. but I know I could perhaps help matters a little if I did more cooking.

Anyway, we used to have sex fairly regularly but these days he's always tired and sometimes has literally physically pushed me away and also asked me to not touch him. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel very sad and lonely. I feel utterly rejected and angry and desperate. What's worse is he'll notice other women when they are attractive, as well as celebrities. He has pictures of attractive women on his phone and he makes sexual comments but the minute I try to make a move, he shuts me down immediately.

I've tried just about everything. I've cried, begged, complained, bitched, yelled, left in a huff, used "I" statements to tell him how I feel, how the situation makes me feel without trying to blame or name-call or anything like that.  I've backed off, given him space and tried to laugh it off. His response almost always? "I'm terrible." I don't know if he says that to make me feel bad or what but I have told him that doesn't solve anything. He mostly just turns over and goes to sleep, or just stays silent and shuts down. Sometimes I can tell he is really upset but he won't talk to me or do anything about the situation.

I love this man. He is handsome, funny, and very intelligent. He's a hard worker and he does his best to take care of me in the financial sense and supportive sense. We joke around a lot and I appreciate that he does try to listen to me but sometimes I wonder if the things I say really matter or really get him to think about making changes.

I pretty much know that the reason he doesn't want me sexually anymore is because of his weight and depression. Its like a double-whammy. I read somewhere the belly fat kills testosterone and I told him that tonight.....(more like being overweight, I can't use the word fat with him).

Am I wrong? He makes all these comments about other women, he says sexual things in a joking way (like making up his own lyrics to songs), he has pictures of attractive women (like models or celebs) in his phone (which he knows I know about and I've told him they sometimes bother me), but when it comes down to it, we haven't had sex in almost 3 months now and before that it was probably like 2 months.

I feel so lost. I am an attractive woman. but I often feel like I am ugly because of this situation. I've had other men hitting on me, so I know I am not just imagining things....

Mainly, I just need some support. Thanks for reading this.

Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: New to this site...

Dear Violet,

Sorry not to have responded sooner.  I rarely visit this site, but once in a blue moon, I check in.  I used to post a lot, and some of the regulars were very helpful in getting me to articulate my feelings during a particularly difficult time.  Now I am busy with the rest of my life.  But please read my postings because my husband sounds a lot like yours, and, like you, I love my husband because who the heck else would I be able to have such fantastic conversations with, and who would make me laugh as much?  That's something, you know.  You know.

Anyhow, my totally unscientific and unprofessional read of what you describe above is that he is, uh, impotent and very embarrassed about it, and when you bring up sex, it makes him feel even worse, and, because he is depressed, he thinks he deserves it as punishment (because he's probably also morally hard on himself for being depressed), and because he is stubborn, he thinks he ought to be able to reason himself out of it, as a moral thing, but of course he can't, so he shuts down, but occasionally reveals that he is attracted to other women, not because he isn't attracted to you, but because it is his understated way of affirming his manliness to you and more importantly to himself.  

sigh

You don't mention if you have children.  For me, that's the other big thing, apart from still being in love with him.  

For now, be nice to yourself!  It's Christmas-time.  Treat yourself to something nice.  That might include going to see a counselor.  Venting is important, and while this site is okay (although sometimes inhabited by trolls), it is also very unpredictable, and that can be depressing.  But it sounds to me like you need to think things through and talk things out.  That does not mean you'll end up leaving him; it might just mean that you understand your needs and situation better whatever decisions you make.  In any case, be well.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Yikes Yikes
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Re: New to this site...

In reply to this post by Violet
Wow, Im so sorry you going thru this . I hope maybe things are better now, as I see you wrote this a really long time ago.
I went thru this a long time ago with my husband. I hit on him a lot and was almost always turned down. It really messes with your head. Honestly, I started to suspect an affair. I could never prove it and things finally picked up, so I had to let the suspicion go. I dont think that is what was happening in your case. Impotence definitely sounds like the most likely scenario.
Interestingly,  now our situation has reversed. He wants more intimacy, but I find it difficult to want any. He has gotten significantly heavier since those "cold" years and I just find it almost impossible to feel in the mood. I am not attracted to him at all. Quite the opposite. I feel terrible about it and so I force myself to jst do it sometimes, but it has become more and more difficult. I think partly because of his indifference to his weight or really denial. He actually has implied that it improves sex! No joke! How you ask? I have no idea! and am too tired of the craziness to even bother asking. Tired of the lies, the sneaking food, the criticizing other overweight people, the total denial and lack of self-awareness.  The gluttony...  It is all a huge turn off.  Now, sadly, we are at  a point where he is so angry about the lack of sex, that he is basically ignoring me. He is passive aggressive and takes it out on me in little childish ways. I ignore these games and try to be as pleasant as possible, but the games kill my sexdrive even more. I love him very much, but sadly I dont feel very positive about where we are headed. Obesity puts a huge amount of stress on relationships and there really needs to be more non-judgemental help for couples dealing with this.