My husband and I just had another "talk".
Prompted by him. Because he finds it unbearable that I occasionaly-said by him- interrupt him when he's speaking. He says he won't take it any more. That he feels that I don't consider him worth listening to, that I know it bugs him....
So I grabbed the bull by the horns and said that while I agreed that it was not the politest thing to do it wasn't something I considered to be cause for divorce. He was the one who brought the subject up, BTW. I told him that the weight issue affected every area of our lives, not just his health. That it gave me nightmares and made me feel awful. I'd already said it lots of times...but well, I said it again, just in case... He said that he couldn't take it anymore, feeling not listened to. Because to him the slightest interruption is deadly...he either blows up and spends half an hour-literally- grunting his frustration, or he goes quiet and says "I assume you already know what I was going to say" and doesnt talk at all.
To him, my occasional interruptions and his weight issue are the same.
I ask...is it the same? What is he trying to do? Sort if...you stop interrupting and I'll lose weight? He says his job is stressful. I agree, but can Hw really not do anything? Is this just another denial strategy?
I am totally numb. I said that I didn't know how much more I could take and he said the same about me interrupting. I don't get it. To me, it has nothing to do...not the Same level of importance.
I need some honest feedback. I don't know what to believe anymore....he's trying to make it about me, about what I'm doing wrong.
I agree its a defection tactic,how do i know because i have used them.what i will add that its for his benefit(excuses) ,jobs are stressful but that's an excuse also.Bottom line he will use any excuse he has to until faced with a crisis that he cant wiggle out of ,sad but true ,been there.True change is intimidating when we are comfortable or complacent but we cant use that as an excuse,NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES!
I thought it was a deflection technique. Just wanted to make sure.
Yes, jobs are stressful, life is stressful...
Let me tell you...
I live in a tiny village with my 87 yr old mom who has dementia and my 13 yr old younger son. Forty inhabitants in all, mostly old people. I am in charge 24/7. Yes, when he comes he helps. I.understand he's under stress...but what about me/ I can't seem to make life easy and idyllic so I'm the problem? And he mentions divorce because I occasionally interrupt..Thanks for your help. Hugs
psh. Marriage has so many layers. It could be deflection, or he could be just sharing his frustration with the interpersonal stuff. What does it matter?
Next time he starts up about divorce, just tell him to go right ahead, tubbo. (maybe leave out the tubbo part)
You know you can do better at this point in time. If wants to make this easy for you, why stop him? My guess is he will back off that tactic and roll on to something new.
I'm with you. I think he will change strategy.
I.haven't said this before, but It's not the first time he brings the subject of divorce up..he's brought it up a few times in the past...usually when he wanted to.scare me into being more conventional...but the unconventional part of me is what theoretically attracted him in the first place, or so he says...problem is I've grown up. I'm not scared of him leaving anymore.
In fact, yesterday when I said it freaked me out that something would happen to him and that it gave me nightmares...he said that I'd have a widow pension and our house wouldn't be payed off with his life insurance. I was shocked. Now I realize he's right. And I'm even more shocked. I'm starting to feel the haze lifting. As I wrote on another thread, he's also spent big amounts of money with no justification over the years. And I recently discovered that he's failed to make clear that he's married when asked where his wife was...
Jeez...does this all mean what I'm starting to think it means?
Anyway, I've decided to be happy as I possibly can. Let's see where this goes.
It could be, this latest outburst, out of frustration yes, but It's not about understanding, It's about blaming others : workmates, family, neighbors.... It's not about concern-or at least it doesn't come across as that.
Anyway, thanks to all of you and have a good weekend.
Sexy mom, I would say deflection. My ex did exactly that. He battered me endlessly about my inability to contribute exactly 50% of all household expenses (I earn a lot less than I did before becoming a stay at home mom, so I only managed to cover the food bills which, incidentally, was no easy feat considering how much he ate). I know he was lashing out in retaliation to me wanting him to lose weight. He blew this issue out of proportion and made it a divorce matter. He wanted to punish me and so he picked this particular issue. How much I earn is not something I have real control over, I think. Damn, who doesn't wish they could earn more money? He could have picked anything, really. Occasional interrupting, my cooking, housekeeping skills, whatever. He bullied and bullied. I tried to remain as calm as possible but in the end, there was so much stress built up inside that I ended up briefly in ER with strong abdominal pains. Such was the pain that I could not walk for two weeks. I signed the divorce papers soon after.
He is now as slim as he was before we got married and is getting remarried to his girlfriend in a few months. Why didn't he lose the weight when we were married? Will he get fat again after getting remarried? Or has he changed for good? Am I feeling jealous? I'm pretty sure I'm not, and I certainly don't want to be with him but I am still trying to process the news of him getting remarried. It has not been easy for me for reasons I still can't articulate but I wanted to let you know I am 100% better off without this man. He may be slimmer for now but he is still the same jerk with the same fattitude underneath.
He may be slimmer for now but he is still the same jerk with the same fattitude underneath.
It is VERY likely he will balloon up again.
I can't see you being jealous. Bitter? Probably. Subconsciously thinking "Why couldn't he do this for me?" Even though, logically, you know that it is temporary and the fattitude is still there. This other woman is not 'more worth it', that he's doing this for. He's doing it for himself to get what he wants. Once he has it, he can relax and be the real him again.
The chances of him staying fit are as about as good as the chances the Broncos had of making a comeback in the 4th quarter of the super bowl.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
I just came to the conclusion that my husband doesn't want our support-mine and our sons- because he says "I know what I have to do, now let me do it".
Can it be that he feels that our saying "we love you, we're here for you, we'll help you, we'll be there" is a setback for him instead of supportive? I mean...is it possible that he feels our support as more of a type of pressure than a comfort? I just don't know what to think...
Translation-I know what I have to do, I'll get to it when I feel like it, leave me alone-
He knows he is not doing what it takes, and he has no plans of making it happen. To him, it's nagging. It's a constant reminder of the things he is not doing, but knows he should.
Valentine's Day treat:
He comes to bed at 4 am, waking me in the process-obviously as he is more than double my weight and can't move as easily as he could. So now that I was awake, sex. 15 minutes. Then another hour of huffing, rolling and snoring in my ear. He wasn't sleeping, so I said, "Hey, if you wanna sleep, I'll get up and write a while..."
"Oh...why can't you sleep?"
"Because you're tossing and turning and snoring, and I was wide awake so now it's hard to fall asleep with the movement and noise..."
"Oh...well, I'll go to my armchair..."
Then after, at breakfast:
" Why couldn't you sleep? It's strange.."
"No, it's not...I wanted to sleep but you couldn't stop moving and I thought you'd get up cos you weren't sleeping and I was waiting for you to either sleep or get up, so I decided to ask you if you'd rather try to sleep or get up"
"Wow...I had no idea it bothered you..."
You're 300 lbs and have been for over a decade and you DON'T KNOW that sharing a bed with you is uncomfortable?? I have told you repeatedly it's uncomfortable...plus sex with a beachball in my back...think of the angle my body is in...and it's the only way to have anything similar to sex...I have tried...read books, counseling...
Anyway...I got up early and wrote a little and talked to my Kid on the net...
Are we talking in the same language? Or what?
I forced the issue for separate beds for the same reason. I could never get enough sleep because she has to throw her weight around to move. She wheezes and snores, has terrible dry rough hands and feet, and intimacy was damn near non-existent, and not always desired. The lights-on thing is still not a good idea. She does not see the problem, I guess. Anyway, after 20-ish years in a king bed, we now have two queen-size beds, and we are both more comfortable. I still wear earplugs (for decades), which I am really really really bummed about. I love listening to night-sounds and rain and stuff, but, even from across the room she is generally too loud to sleep with.
Make the move to separate beds, you won't be sorry, and he can still 'join you' for those 15 minutes every now and then. Buy a body pillow.
4am? What's with that?
He "sleeps" in an armchair in the living room...that's what with 4 am...he comes to bed because I told him-as a way of waking up his conscience towards my feelings-that I missed sleeping together and cuddling. I'm almost sorry I said anything...
I get what you say about rough hands and feet and throwing his weight around...he makes little superficial adjustments to mollify me, so I won't be too bugged...but we will probably end up in two beds.
And your wife, as a woman...doesn't she miss the cuddling?
The main reason I feel what I feel for my Kid on the internet is that...obviously he doesn't cuddle me but just taking a few minutes to make me feel better...I don't know...I'm pretty fed up lately and my husband just wants us to "go on" the way we are...I can't believe what my marriage is becoming. On the outside people don't see anything strange. I feel like I've been tricked into this, though I know full well that it's not true.
Fortunately, she has never been much of a cuddler. It works well, because you know what happens when you sit on a couch or love seat together, .. you end up rolling of onto their end of the sofa. It's never been comfortable. Even in bed, you wind up falling off the mattress trying to find a workable position around the girth. icky stuff.
Unfortunately, I'd like to have someone petite that I could cuddle with and care for.
I totally get the 'feeling tricked into the relationship' idea. I've accused her of a 'bait and switch.' When we were first together, she was trying to lose weight, & I let her know how I felt about larger people letting themselves go.
One time we visited her family, and her mother commented "you look bulemic" (the whole family is supersize). At 5'4 and 130, she was far from skinny, but if she could have lost 10 pounds, and stayed there, this could be a different relationship today. After her mother's comment, she began to let her self bulk back up to 190.
And here we are.
I know that there is an underlying issue with his weight...but obviously I don't know what the issue is. He was fat from the start, but it was more like chubby than obese. Now his BMI is 42...at least. He's 300 lbs. For 5'6".
I don't know if his true love is food, but I don't think it's his family...I just don't see it.
I started this thread because HE brought the subject of divorce up because I interrupted him sometimes. Now, for him, that's a big issue. There's more here than the weight. But I can't do any more. The family can't do any more.
And people-not all-think that this is just being shallow on my part...not that I've talked to many people about it. It's funny...I'm the one that feels shame, I'm the one that's struggled for years to understand, empathize, support...only to discover that to him it's pressure knowing that we support him, not comfort.
And again...if you saw us on the street, if you ever talked to him, you'd see two things: that he's obese and that he's always cracking jokes, trying to make people forget that he is.
And yes, the idea of Fatanon would be great...but people who don't live with it don't understand just how much it affects the people around them and how far reaching the consequences are. At best, people see the medical issue. Not the personal, sexual and family issues it creates. And it makes the fit spouse-I am 127 lbs for 5'1", so I'm not thin, but I have no medical issues and this has been my weight since high school, after two kids-feel alone, neglected, stupid, fearful, guilty, ashamed, confused...and even more. And though he realizes all of this...it's not enough to move him. Not me, not his sons, not his very own life... He will lie, distort and deflect till he drops, I'm afraid...literally.
Yes, I'm fed up.
Thanks and hugs.
5'4" and 130 is about the same proportions I am now...and have been most of my life. I'm 5'1" and 127. So if she had stayed there it would have been ok...healthy at least. My BMI is 23. something and doc says I'm fine if I stay at this weight. Everyone says I look great, younger than my age. And I have no medical issues and never have. But 190...that's definitely too much. The issues are the same though...I think we will have to end up on different beds.
Frankly, I'm very discouraged these days. He seems to be gaining weight...he's probably over 300 lbs right now for 5'6". I can't wait for time to pass and maybe make a move to leave when the kids are definitely out of the house. I don't want it, it means the end of what I thought was a dream...marriage to my best friend. Now I'm questioning my logic when I married. I am avoiding thinking about it...I hope it's just a phase, a midlife crisis...and that it will pass.
Nothing new...or well, yes...I confirmed that he's been spending and not telling me about it...thousands of euros. My son says to keep an eye on him and if he continues to take money away without saying anything, divorce...his exact words. He saw the figures from the bank, and it was only one account...I took out most of what was left and put it in my mom's account. I told my husband and he said...that I'd done the right thing!...No questions asked, no explanations given...and it's not the first time it's happened. When it happened previously, I focused on it as "we have a problem and we have to try and solve it" , not blaming or insulting him...no use...time is ticking...
It's been about a year and a half since I last was on this forum! I've been busy and the trolling was tough.
As to your situation, OP, I'm sorry for it; it sounds like a difficult one as it is for many other posters.
Strictly speaking as to the topic of this thread, do you interrupt other people when they are talking? If you do then you know this is a bad habit that needs to be broken. Do you only interrupt your husband? If that's the case then that's the hostility and disdain you have for him. It's still a habit that needs to be broken but trying to look for reasons to feel loving towards him will go a long way to helping. I'm not talking about sexual loving, but just loving in general.
Even though I've used this site for, basically, thinspiration, I really don't believe that bellyaching about your fat spouse to a bunch of other angry posters will help any of the fit spouses on this board to feel warm feelings towards their spouse. It's nice to know that you're not the only one that feels this way, but in the long run it will not be helpful for you or your marriage should you choose to stay in it.
I agree that his anger at your interrupting is partly deflection but you also are deflecting. If your viewpoint is, "He's morbidly obese and he's furious at my interrupting?!" then you also are not 'owning' your stuff.
Just say, 'you're right. I interrupt. I'm sorry. I will work on that. Now we need to talk about your health...'
And then really, work hard on knocking off the interrupting because it's annoying.
As a side note if he's spending money you can ill-afford, you may have to look into marital counseling with a side order of financial counseling.
Eric Bana is hot. Why? Many reasons. One reason is because he's not fat.