Just wanted to say that I have been spending a lot of time reading the forum on this site and really sympathize with a lot of stories on here. Finding this site has actually opened my eyes to what could have been my future life being hell if my recent girlfriend didn't dump me to the curb.
I am currently 36 and was dating a woman for about 2 years. When we met she was slightly overweight, but nothing that I thought would be an issue. Initially we talked about fitness and health and how it's an important part of my life. She really seemed excited about it at the time, but it wasn't really her interest from what I could tell (redflag #1 that I ignored). I'm 5'10 around 175lbs and she at the time was about 5'5 135 lbs. Over the two year period that we dated, she gained at least 50 - 70 lbs. It was dramatic and extremely hard to watch this take place. It got to the point where I had to tell her that to move this relationship forward, she would need to do something about the weight for 'her health'. I even told her I wanted kids some day and didn't want her to have complications during pregnancy... I showed her the list of all the indications and complications of an obese woman going through with a pregnancy. It didn't go well, and I was cast an abusive asshole by her entire fat obese family, all her friends, and even her coworkers. Literally everyone in her family is obese and they seem to be proud of it. Relationship continued to go down hill and finally she broke up with me a few weeks ago and said 'I'm not what you want' and at first I was upset with her for doing this since I just spent 2 years being patient for her to lose the weight. It has been a few days and I've had time to process everything and honestly I'm starting to realize that I probably dodged a bullet. Honestly, I don't think she will change her ways and probably it will get worse since she was raised in a family of obese people and all the bad habits that go with that. She's still pushing 220 lbs at 5'5. The sad part is that I really did care about her and it's very unfortunate a topic such as weight would cause the relationship to end like this, but it is what it is. I have no kids, never married and free to go out and start dating again at some point. I haven't had the desire to go back out there yet as I'm still struggling with the breakup. I'm also feeling guilty because I've had literally 40-50 people label me an abusive asshole (her family and friends) for telling her she needed to lose the weight at minimum for her own good health. 5'5 220lbs is almost on the way to morbid obesity from what I just read on the CDC website and I was very scared as a man that if she got pregnant there could even more weight gain and worse complications if we wanted to have kids someday.
The last thing I will mention... as she gained the weight, I didn't want to have sex with her as much. I just wasn't attracted and seeing all the back fat that she had accumlated made me ill. Her back when we first started dating was toned and very sexy. Now her back has rolls of fat and gosh it caused me to have impotence issues. I shouldn't be having impotence at 36! I just couldn't do it anymore. I think this is when she finally figured out that she'd rather leave me than work on the weight issue. Honestly, I was hanging on in the releationship by a thread anyway since we don't have kids and there would be no divorce.
That's my story and just wanted to share it and honestly vent it. Just about everyone else I've told this story to considers me a complete asshole for telling her to lose weight, so yeah I have a lot of guilt. I hope none of this offends anyone. I seriously cared about her and really enjoyed everything else about her, but this weight/health stuff just completely destroyed the relationship. What in the hell was I supposed to do? Just sit by and say nothing and then get this woman pregnant? It was HER decision to stuff her face, not mine. I continued to work out and eat healthy and she didn't.
When she broke up she asked if I wantd to be friends, but after thinking about it... I declined her offer to be friends because I have a feeling she's going to lose the weight to get another guy and try to throw it in my face. I'd rather just cut it off clean and never have to witness that. Honestly I hope she does lose the weight and everything goes good for her, but I just don't want to see it myself as it would hurt. I blocked her from facebook, phone, email, all of it. Told her to just stay away and find another guy. I never did get a reply to my last email to her, which means the relationship is over. I'm still sad about it, but it's for the best.
Apologies for the terrible grammar of my original post. I wrote the post while I was intoxicated. Anyhow, I'm not sure if this forum is active at this point since I don't see a whole lot of activity. At least I was able to vent and get this shit out of my system somewhere.
Did I do the right thing by confronting her about the weight gain? I honestly fill like shit and have a lot of guilt. Just lost 40-50 fiends in a matter of days over this shit. :( I honestly don't know what else I could have done other than to just not say anything and watch it get worse and worse... putting myself at major risk emotionally and financially in the future if marriage/kids were to come.
I'm still glad it's over, but it doesn't take away from the pain of it... :(
you have to listen to your instincts and do what is right for you. what were you supposed to do, act like the weight gain was no big deal, and sit there and watch her get bigger and bigger? Then have kids with her? We (well, most of us) are biologically programmed to seek attractiveness and desirability in a partner, unless you're turned on by obesity (a chubby chaser). There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to be attracted to your partner. sounds like you got the bait and switch. Would you have dated her if she was in that condition when you met? Sounds to me like the answer would be no. Those people that stopped being friends with you? They ARE NOT WORTH IT! If they dumped you without considering your side of the story, and your feelings, then they were never your friends to begin with; they were hers. I think this was an important lesson for you - you know what to look for if you decide to get back in the race again. Never let anyone shame you for having the feelings you do. Wanting someone to be within a reasonable weight and healthy does not make one an abusive person.
If you aren't feeling attracted to her then you did the right thing. You weren't married or had children together, so don't be so hard on yourself. She did you a favor. If she loses the weight to throw it in your face, then she will have lost the weight for the wrong reasons and will undoubtedly gain it back.