Tired of waiting

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farshot farshot
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Tired of waiting

Hello,

I remember coming to this site a few years ago, spilling my guts, and quickly leaving because...well...I love my wife. Now, I find myself back in the same place. I need someone to talk to. Someone other than my/our counselor (she convinced me of the need a few months ago. We see my counselor together, I see him alone, and she sees her own.)

Let me start at the beginning. We met online 13 years ago. We were both very young, and we both realized then that we had issues. Self esteem and weight problems. Her more than I (she's clocked in at 303 a couple months ago, and she stands 5'6"). She took after her father who was VERY obese; he pretty much spent his time watching tv from the couch, only getting up to do anything when everyone else in the family got angry at him. Still, we enjoyed our time together, and soon after high school I joined the military. It was during my training that we got engaged.

Soon after I got to my first duty base, 9/11 hit. We decided to get married. So there we were, wide eyed newlyweds facing the world together. We had our shortcomings, but we promised each other to  work on them, to improve ourselves. That's what I wanted; a partner, not a second string dope off the street.

That's not how it went. I slowly grew into my shell, built my body, and though I still have a little bit (20 lbs) to lose before I'm happy, I'm satisfied with what I've been able to accomplish. I've also grown into a leader; people at work respect me, and I find I wear that mantle very well. People are comfortable coming to me with questions or problems and I help them get the answer they need on their own. That wasn't always the case; I had my wild days, but I now understand it was me acting out because of her and her failure to make any progress. I hit on other women, sometimes right in front of her. Other things, that I'm not proud of, but I accept because they were the only way I could show myself that I loved myself. That others could want me. She, on the other hand, let her issues fester.

About 5 years ago I got fed up. We fought. She cried. I backed off. She made promises. We went back to normal. It's happened at least twice a year since. In August, she finally went to see a counselor and a dietitian. I guess her father passing from his...ailments...finally hit her. Soon after I went to see one as well, and I believe its helped me to grow even more.

The thing is, she says that she's changing now. But I find myself very tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of wanting. I love her, truly I do. But I also feel that I need to love myself, to have the things in life that will make me happy (its not much, to be honest) and this is very unfair to everyone involved. She says that alot of things have been placed on her weight issues...but that's whats wrong lady!

Our counseling sessions have gone downhill the past few weeks. I think I've finally come to the realization that, maybe, divorce is the only option left. I feel love for her, but not passion. The love of friends. I'm 30 years old now, an old man in the military :), and I don't want to keep waiting around. But I'm afraid. Afraid of life without her. Of missing out on her changing. At the same time, I'm afraid of sticking around and having things stay the same. Its very disconcerting to be this afraid to someone that on a few occasions accepted he may die!

This was supposed to be a short intro. I apologize, this all just came out. I would very much appreciate all of your guidance and comments. I'm lost right now. What do I do? Thanks for letting me share.
I'll be defiant/the lion/Give them the fight that will open their eyes
yorktown38 yorktown38
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The Man With No Plan The Man With No Plan
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Re: Tired of waiting

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farshot farshot
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Re: Tired of waiting

Hey man,

No kids, I refuse to have them while she's like this. It hurts to say that because I shouldn't have to put one of my greatest dreams on hold for her. She's now on antidepressants, which brings me down a bit (see what I did there?).

As for the 30 being old thing, I said that tongue-in-cheek, no offense meant
I'll be defiant/the lion/Give them the fight that will open their eyes
Rose Rose
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Go on over to Married Man Sex Life.  Get the book, read the blog and forum.  This issue has been broached several times over there.  If you follow the plan (MAP) and the steps in the book and she does not get with the program to get thin, you can walk away virtually guilt free.  She will have been warned what the consequences are to remain fat and unattractive and you will have upped your sex rank, so you should not have any difficulty finding an attractive replacement.  
 
Rosie
farshot farshot
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Re: Tired of waiting

Rose,

Thank you for your ideas. Thing is, she already knows what the consequences are of not losing weight. It's not like this is new to either of us.

I'm so very tired. I've been working extra hours just to stay away from the house. I had a meeting with some of my team members to hash out some issues we've been having, and while we made great strides and resolved the issues, it was very draining for me. Couple that with spending 10 hours in subzero temps repairing stuff the other day, and you got a guy that just wants to come home and find peace. I just keep thinking that if I can lead these awesome individuals to the point where I see the respect they have for me in their eyes and see them become better versions of themselves, why can I not inspire my own wife to do these things?

Am I crazy for wanting what I want?
I'll be defiant/the lion/Give them the fight that will open their eyes
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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 I could give you a little encouragement, but from what little you provided here my gut says it is time to pack it in. It sounds like you had your doubts before you mad it to the altar and they are still with you. I don't think your cut out for life with a 300 pound women. Most men are not. She might change and you might not be there to see it. She might not change if you are. None of that will matter once the tears are shed, the papers are signed and you are both on your way to what happens next. Do the right thing. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
farshot farshot
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Re: Tired of waiting

Hello and thank you,

I agree, this is a very brief summary. We are getting closer every day to parting, and so now her anger is coming out. Blaming me for all this. Saying "I can't believe you're giving everything up because of THIS". Guilt tripping me about health insurance and whatnot. I take it. Because I can. Because I'm strong. I will let her anger and sadness wash over me.

Yes, I am coming to believe this is the right thing to do. WE both deserve someone that will give us what we truly need. It's so hard to give this up though! Our relationship is great, but I don't want to wait anymore for her to start losing and feeling good about herself. I don't want to be attracted to other girls that seemingly bend over backwards (sometimes literally) for their man while I'm here holding out for scraps and living on hope.

I'll be defiant/the lion/Give them the fight that will open their eyes
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