To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

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Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

Life is full of so many choices! When do you think about yourself and not your significant other and kids?? An interesting question that can only be answered by me.......me thinks!! There is so much more out there(women not obese) to see and meet. When does the proverbial plug get pulled and the tub drained so to speak?? How do you lessen the damage to the family unit?? Is it selfish? or motivated by just sexual repressed feelings? Does one deserve it or not? Moral and public views? Wonder, wonder, wonder! Does one deserve to be happy with someone that will share there life and not sit idly by eating them selves to death?
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

Great questions. Quick reply...
Huntingu1 wrote
sit idly by
What forms might the alternative--action--take? I agree that the sense of idleness, i.e., paralysis, is utterly devastating and destructive, and that each of us has to figure out a way to feel that we are growing and working things out within our respective limits...

Have you made a list considering your options: staying/leaving: pros and cons?  Are there any other types of actions available to you?
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Rose Rose
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

You might want to wander over to Married Man Sex Life and read a bit of the book, the forum and blog.  Several men have voiced the same situation that you find yourself in.  The MAP, boiled down in most simplistic terms, you do everything you can to improve yourself to the point your spouse finds you very attractive or is getting nervous about the attention you are garnering from other women.  At that point, she either starts working to lose the weight on her own or you give her the ultimatum that she lose the weight because you are not attracted to her and you will not live in a sexless marriage perpetuated by her being overweight.  Then, if she cooperates, great.  If she does not, you impose the nuclear option.  You will be able to exit the relationship knowing you did everything you could AND you will be in the best shape of your life (physically and emotionally) to attract someone whose physicality you find suitably attractive.  There is a lot of other stuff on the site about gaming your wife to do what you want, but that is the crux of it.
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

Thanks for the advice, very helpful and interesting, will follow up for sure!
Diet Coach Diet Coach
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

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Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

Its not quite that easy where i live Diet Coach, in the middle of no where and work schedule's make it difficult and i am not positive that is the answer. It would definately be nice to feel a womans body that wasnt cloaked in fat though!! Oh to dream such dreams! Something to look into for sure, thanks for the reply!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Huntingu1 wrote
... i am not positive that is the answer.
Well then, you should be careful about doing something suggested by an internet troll, something that might not be you and that you might regret later on. The question is not just what you want to have, but what you want to be.

I think that people genuinely differ on the issue of fidelity. Some people value fidelity as a divine commandment. Other people value it as an anchor of who they are in an otherwise shifting, passing, meaningless chaotic world. Other people are too shallow to care about these questions, or else they act without thinking and then regret what they've done. And there are other people who think about fidelity and find that they are okay with sneaking around. And there are lenty of affairs going on out there, ones that go on for years, sometimes decades. I know one woman who keeps making plans to run away with her (married) lover, although something always happens and the plans fall through. I myself sometimes wonder if I should have slept with Mr. Temptation, except that these things have a way of getting complicated... and sex is over so very quickly in the scheme of things, while one's character remains... and I would have felt that he owed me something, too, emotionally, that would have made compartmentalizing the relationship difficult... and I'm not into polygamy... and plus that, when I look into my heart, I realize that I what I really love is freedom--freedom to be open, to flourish being who I am. For me (and I'm speaking for myself), whatever things my life lacks (and no life is perfect) I am glad not to be enslaved to an affair or to internet sex.

But that's me.

Who do you want to be?
 
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

I think i agree totally with what you have said Mme.X, sex with someone else is not going to fix the problem of an overweight spouse! I think it would be a fleeting look into the world of cheaters and charlatans, i can find sexual gratification on my own, i do not need an affair to make things worse. The answer lies within my wife and myself, how much we are willing to try and help each other i guess. Sometimes though the thought definately crosses my mind as i have been approached at different times by some very beautiful women, but since i make alot of money i almost always think they are just gold diggers. Love cannot be found that easily and i really do love my wife, just wish there was an easy solution to the weight thing, but alas there does not seem to be one so i will continue the march alone for now. There is always hope and INTERNET TROLLS have not influenced my decisions so far, i take all advice with a grain of salt, i just like to muse sometimes and wonder what it would be like to have a partner laying next to me that was in shape. Like to win the lottery too but wish in one hand and................................... in the other, see which one fills first! Thanks Mme.X!
Matilda Tuesday Matilda Tuesday
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In reply to this post by Huntingu1

I don't think I could prove it in court, but I don't believe monogamy is normal or natural for human beings. It is a choice and its a choice that is much easier to make when both partners are willing to acknowledge the importance of maintaining those aspects of attraction that brought them getting together in the first place. Questions of honor, loyalty and even trust are far more likely to arise when a partner let themselves go and is unwilling to put any effort into maintaining their appearance. Serial monogamy has become something of a standard practice in America. I think the goal is usually a lasting and long term marriage. The chance of achieving this are significantly diminished when obesity and illness enter the equation. Obesity can even reduce a sexually charged relationship into a something more akin to a patient-caregiver equation. A marriage that is unsatisfactory to one partner is almost always unsatisfactory to both. Choices are made. They have consequences. Marriage is a wonderful thing and so is divorce. Good Luck! No one deserves to be happy. We only deserve the pursuit of happiness. You deserve a choice and you have one to make.
Huntingu1 Huntingu1
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

Very interesting take on sex!! I would tend to lean more towards the fact we are animals, whether we like or it not and sex is natural.......ohh and very fun with the right partner! And i am to young to quit having sex just because my significant other is not interested and too fat to bother! I also am very smart and not interested in the drama of an affair or the consequences of a divorce(worked way to hard for my money to give it to an obese slob) so i will continue the quest for the answer to my problem! I usually dont trash my wife's weight but not in a good mood today after fighting over it last night! Seems to be more and more of that lately, guess the end is getting closer!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

This post was updated on .
Hi, H1, and sorry to hear about the argument.
Huntingu1 wrote
i am to young to quit having sex just because my significant other is not interested and too fat to bother
I feel the same way. The seemingly "not interested" is the hardest part, even though I realize that it is a two-way thing, and because of his fat, I am "not interested," too, which creates a cycle of negatively reinforcing phermones or aura or whatever the negative form is of that chemical that kicks in when one feels the palpable electricity of mutual attraction... For me, it's not just the fat issue, but the how-can-we-rekindle-the-whole-attraction-thing issue, and that's a big issue to tackle if we can't even get the counselling thing together.

That said, our anniversary was a couple of days ago... I made a nice dinner (I think!) (low carb, too!) and he walked in the door with flowers and champagne, which made me feel awfully nice. The kids were ecstatic. It was all so very sweet and I thanked him, and later said I hoped we could complete the celebration at some point, and he said he did, too. But then, yesterday, he was late for dinner (we waited an hour, then started without him) and I, having had a day of solid craziness and work, greeted him with a glower and the observation that he was late, at which he exploded that he'd-had-a-day-without-a-minute-to-spare-and-what-sort-of-way-was-that-to-greet-him, storming off and saying he didn't want anything to eat, while my son gave me a leave-it-alone glance-and-wink, which I did, stuffing my resentment into the Bitter Bank. I got the kids ready for bed and shot evil glances of hostility at the closed door of my husband's bedroom.

But, hey, the unopened champagne is still in the fridge...

Still muddling. I wonder how Blue is?
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: To leave or not to leave, that is the question.

Oh Sister...I would have opened that bottle of champagne and celebrated on my own! Haha! (simply because I love champagne!).  And because life IS good and always worth living AND celebrating.

Anyhow....  Big.  Sigh.  Happy Anniversary Mmx.  And wishing you a better year ahead.
Mme.X Mme.X
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This post was updated on .
Thanks, LLW!  Actually, this year wasn't so bad -- I had a fantastic summer which involved a splendid trip to the UK and left me feeling very rejuvenated... I have a great job, which I love... my kids are doing well... Hubs is big but still the most interesting guy to talk with, I know, and incrementally, I do actually feel as though there's been progress... Mr. T. has faded from my hormonal memory and without immediate temptation, my sexual paraplegia gets eclipsed by all of the other things for which I have eros in the deepest sense...

Considering the whole ball of wax, things are good--which is why toughlove (whatever that term means... it's been equivocated here on this site recently...) can be problematic. Like any "single issue" approach, it can be a sledge hammer for a computer repair...

Thanks again for your nice words. And yes, I do celebrate! (although alcohol makes me stay up at night, and I seem to have the liver of a bird, so I don't drink very much...)

To quote one of my favorite set of lyrics (from Fiddler on the Roof)...L'chaim!

Minor news flash, a few hours later! Hubs just told me that he has signed up for a swimming class! For us, this is major... and I am discovering at the moment how hard it is to simultaneously hold my breath and say yahooooo. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
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