Will it ever change?

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Phoenixova Phoenixova
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Will it ever change?

Hi. I´m glad to fing that forum to see so many people have similar troubles. Many of you (your spouses) are kind of middle-aged though... My fat husband is only 30 years old (I´m 25).
We got married a year ago after 5 years of dating. He wasn't slim when I met him - he was a little overwieght (210 lbs/5'7)  but very sporty and muscular and actually very hot. He performed martial arts and was a karate trainer. In the beginning, he was quite concerned about his little chubby belly and wanted to lose weight... But through the years, he became lazier and lazier and the pounds piled up. We had a few talks about the weight before the marriage as I became more interested in running, rock climbing and sports generally, and he agreed we would cook more healthy foods etc. And for a few months, at least he didn't gain more.
But for a past few months, he really let himself go and started to gain a lot. I think he's heading to 300 now. He only comes home from work, eats everything he find and lies on a couch. Even a five-minutes walk with our dogs is a problem. I'd try any kind of activity to make him move, but he's not interested. Or he tries once and never again. Of course sports are exhausting for him now with all the extra pounds... Running is boring for him, swimming can cause hearing troubles, walks take too much time, he can't climb - feeling dizzy in heights, for karate trainings he's always late from work, gym is only for fitness maniacs etc etc etc. We bought a border collie puppy few weeks ago - never helps with it, I'm doing everything on my own. And he's being rude at me to bother him - he just wants to relax, not to participate in my "crazy" activities. When we talked about the weight, it hurt him a lot - he said I don't love him the way he is and felt depressed for weeks.
AND - he still loves me very much and wants to have a child. But I'm thinking - can I stay for the next 30, 40 years? SHOULD I stay? Is there any hope for change or is it only going to get worse?
E35 E35
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Re: Will it ever change?

To answer your initial question...NO.  It will only get worse.  My original thread was titled "Is this Fair", so i'll spare you the background info as you can read it there.  About a week ago I had another conversation with my wife, the same one that I have had about once a year for the past three years.  This time, I approached the subject from a different direction, and needless to say it worked!  Or so I thought.  She was very receptive to my concerns about her weight and we both left the conversation feeling great.  I finally got my first good night sleep in years not having to obsess about how unhappy I was.  My wife was finally going to get on board.  I felt a renewed sense of hope at having a happy marriage and thus a happy life.  Needless to say a couple days later she was ordering Chinese food.  I let it slide.  Same night, eating Twinkies.  Again, let it slide.  Saturday night we go out to eat and she orders stuffed tater tots as an appetizer and some creamy pasta entree.  After her order I found myself getting so angry inside.  I didn't want to make it into a big deal by bringing it up while out, and I know I shouldn't have gotten so upset about something so small, however, I began to think that this was just a small indication of a larger problem.  She does not want to work hard enough to attain her goals.  Someone who wants to lose weight to save their marriage does not do the things she is doing.  Less than a week after our initial conversation I have come to realize that she just does not give a fuck, or does not take this seriously.  I found out last night that she is currently classified as morbidly obese while I'm 36 years old and in the best shape of my life because I work out and diet on a regular basis.  She has been stringing me along for 3 years with empty promises.  The whole time I'm telling myself it will get better, probably like you are doing.  I can't be with someone who does not care enough about my feelings to make the changes necessary for our marriage to continue.  Also, I do not want my daughter to think it is ok for a husband and wife to feel no attraction or intimacy toward each other.  My wife's health will have and has had negative consequences on my family.  While I know a divorce will be devastating for my 6 year old daughter, I'm hoping that in the long run she will realize it was for the best.  It's a shame to throw away everything that my wife and I have attained and built, but it is also necessary for my happiness.  Many doors will close for me but I'm also hoping that many will open up as well.  I'm  going to use this opportunity to travel and do all the things that my wife never wanted to to.  This could be a whole new chapter in my life where I can concentrate on making myself and my daughter happy and not have my wifes negativity bringing me down.  Phoenixova, good luck and I hope you reply back.  It's nice to have people to talk to about this stuff.
LivingALie LivingALie
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Re: Will it ever change?

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I will also spare you my sorry, so I have only one recommendation...run run as fast you can.  He is already trying to make you feel bad for him.  It will definitely get worse.  You are too young...
Sandy Sandy
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Re: Will it ever change?

In reply to this post by Phoenixova
Dear Phoenixova,

I am a 58 year old woman married to a fat man.   I have tried everything to get my husband to lose weight and I am currently planning my 'exit strategy'.  In one year (at 59.5 years of age) I can take money from my 401k without penalty and escape! Some advantages to being older.

But you are too young to be trapped like this! Having children, getting a mortgage and even adopting a pet are traps when your marriage is not solid.  Please take some advice, and see a counselor now to help you decide what is best for YOU!
Not a marriage counselor, but a Phoenixova counselor.

A lifetime with a husband whom you are not sexually attracted to and does not share your values  will destroy your soul and spirit.

He is probably enjoying the attention and drama of you constantly badgering him to exercise or diet. I suggest you read "Why men love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. He has burdened you with his problems which boost his self-esteem. You have become his favorite 'sparring partner' - he may be addicted to the drama.

My advice for the present - find fun activities and go without him, it will help your self esteem, remind you how attractive you are perhaps make him realize that there are many, many other fish in the sea and he might change his ways.  

Bets of luck!!!!
Sandy
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