YHS Update

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yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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YHS Update

Ladies and gentlemen, its been a long time since I’ve posted on this forum.  As a recap, I’ve been married sixteen plus years, with children.  Over the last say ten or so years, I’ve tried to hint, cajole, reason with, scream at, beg and many other ways to try to convince my wife that her steady weight gain was killing our marriage and our sex life.  Yes, I tried exercising together, leading by example, bought gym equipment, yada yada.  All to no avail, with some of it leading to responses, such as “if you don’t like it, then leave!” or “I’ll address it in my own sweet time.”  At the time, I never considered divorcing, one because of the children and two, because I bought into, in part, her objections that I was being “shallow” or “superficial.”  I couldn’t fathom explaining to my family and friends that this issue would be the cause of our breakup.  In short, I was embarrassed to break up over this “petty” issue.  

The years passed and I found MFS, finding comfort in our mutually shared fates.  Poster Rose mentioned the Married Man Sex Life blog and I was intrigued with its concepts.  The blog advocates using paradigms rooted in evolutionary biology and “game” to improve your marriage, or in the alternative, putting you in a position to leave your marriage on your terms.  I experimented with the concepts and found, to my surprise, that  they worked, but not on the ultimate issue of weight loss.  To be fair, I never tried the site’s suggested method with dealing the issue, which was a firm ultimatum, for the aforementioned reasons.  However, that changed.  The two major factors were that I realized that the distractions from my marriage problems were affecting my ability to be a good father and friend, as well as affecting my career path.  Second, I realized that the issue wasn’t really about having a fat spouse, it was how that condition resulted in a near sexless marriage, where any sex that was to be had was, to put it kindly, subpar, based on the lack of attraction.  I framed the issue to myself in that way; that my spouse’s issues with her weight was depriving me of good sex.  The MMSL blog and other writers in the “manosphere” helped me acknowledge that my male sex drive was nothing to be shamed or disregarded.  I took ownership of my sexual needs and my right to have that satisfied in my marriage.  With that understanding, I reached a point where, after countless promises and failed diets, I told her I was divorcing her.  After tears and histrionics, all of a sudden, she’s working out and dieting.  She admitted that in the past, she was cheating with fattening foods when she was supposedly dieting.  She asked for another chance to rectify the situation and does appear to be wholeheartedly trying and achieving results.  But for me, its just too little, too late.  I blame myself for not putting the ultimatum to her earlier.  I blame her for having to have me to put a gun to her head to have her acknowledge my needs and feelings.  I’m moving on.  It sucks to high heaven, but I can’t go back.  I just wanted to share this with you all.  The ultimatum, it does appear to work.  Give it a try.  But you have to be prepared to walk.  Peace.    
One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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Re: YHS Update

YHS,

Divorce is not only a mortal sin; but is psychologically detrimental to children.  Believe it or not, life is not about good sex or even one's own (temporal) happiness.  It is about achieving eternal union with God in the life to come.  You had the right idea before- marriage is forever- your internet 'guides' are leading you down the primrose path of personal destruction.  For the sake of your children and your own soul, reconcile with your wife.
yourhumbleservant yourhumbleservant
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Re: YHS Update

Mr. Blue, I appreciate your input.  As for the “mortal sin,”you’re assuming we share the same belief systems.  With all due respect to your beliefs, that argument does not sway me.  Obviously, the children are a HUGE factor, but this issue has been so corrosive that to continue down this path will be more hurtful than helpful to them.  While divorce is not the optimal solution it is the best option available to me.  While I agree that life is not all about good sex, it is an important part of life and relationships that cannot be ignored.  This is not a decision I reached lightly and its not easy, but I believe it for the best for all concerned.


On Tuesday, May 27, 2014 8:20 PM, Mr Blue [via Matilda Tuesday's My Fat Spouse Forum] <[hidden email]> wrote:


YHS,

Divorce is not only a mortal sin; but is psychologically detrimental to children.  Believe it or not, life is not about good sex or even one's own (temporal) happiness.  It is about achieving eternal union with God in the life to come.  You had the right idea before- marriage is forever- your internet 'guides' are leading you down the primrose path of personal destruction.  For the sake of your children and your own soul, reconcile with your wife.


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One definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.
poolboy poolboy
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Re: YHS Update

+1 YHS
My spouse did not commit to any course of action until I had cornered her for a response. I needed to know what her answer was-yes or no, would she lose the weight. If she would not commit, then I was going to pack up, rent a small, quiet cottage and boogie out the door. I was and am ready to walk. She told me could do it about a month ago, and I've seen no progress. I am locked into a separate timeframe now. But, at the next interval, if these shadows remain unchanged, then I'll be looking for new company in my retirement years.