depressed and obese

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willie willie
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depressed and obese

I love my wife and have been married to her for almost 11 years we have two children a boy 11 and a girl 8. We have been a couple for almost 24 years from teh first week of college through now our early forties. When we got married she gained about  80 pounds with the first child and the same with the second. She was about 120 pounds on average before pregnancy. Today she is about 220 pounds I an guessing as she refuses to ever discuss the issue. She also seemed to turn off completly after pregnancy, did not work, clean the house nothing. Non-sexual, non- feminine no care in apprearance etc.

I am sure I dealt with ot wrong and made the situation worse but am still feeling like a failure at this. It w as obvious to me she was depressed but like the weight - refuses to accept that and will not see a doctor or even talk about it. She really changed alot from who she was to who she is now and in te beginning I thought it was hormonal related to beast feeding.

IT has been 10 years and I have seen the situation just ebb and flow - she has these moments of clarity realizing she blames me for all her problems and I get hopeful and have learned to step back and let her deal but she just loses whatever moxie she had and relates back to this angry, sad, kind of hopeless person.

After so much time being blamed, working to help, getting lost, suggesting everything..I feel like giving up myself. Honestly, I think all of this is starting to bring me way down and I have to not go there as my job requires creativity and spirit and this is just the killer of all of that. So there is probelms in our relationship, I see my kids acting just like her and feel in danger myself.

How do you help someone who just wont even admit to a problem or want to discuss? If i being it up. well i am the jerk for that. If i dont it sits inside until i explode and say the wrong thing. I feel trapped and really could use some help

thanks to all repsonses
SpiicTacular SpiicTacular
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Re: depressed and obese

some times I really wonder if getting really big when you are in a relationship could even be a form of aggression. It's obvious that things get aggressive when the situation is brought up... that's why I wonder. I don't know if I have ever heard anyone think of obesity as a sort of aggresive act... to me sometimes it is almost like picking a fight with someone in a very indirect way, almost like a f. u. to the world or perhaps yourself or someone you are focused on. Isn't depression itself a form of repressed anger? I have heard that particular theory, but never about obesity... and I wonder. I'm not a doctor, or a shrink but I wonder sometimes.

she seems to have already admitted she blames you, and people usually get angry with others when they blame them. This might be her way of saying I'm mad at you but you can't be mad at me. I also wonder if sometimes people who get obese kind of don't want to look at themselves psychologically, and that manifests in actually not wanting to look at themselves. I don't think that most obese people want t look at themselves... do they? I am really asking that as a question because I don't like to assume things. If she doesn't want to look at herself... she actually does something so she doesn't have to look at herself... or won't look at herself. Just a thought. And I could be 100% wrong.
I hope things get better for you.
adair adair
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by willie
willie,

I wish your story didn't sound so familiar... Sometimes I wonder if there's something in the water that's doing this to women across America. It's probably something in the food. My heart goes out to you. I haven't put ten years in like you, but I'm coming up on five and I've got two kids. I tell myself I do it for them. This is not the only thing I lie to myself about. I've been reading through this forum for over a year now. I'm glad it's here. Sometimes I think the solution is written all over these web pages. The secret to a long life is knowing when it's time to go. You've tried, if you know you can't help her or be happy with her, what are you doing there? Obligation? Fear? Inertia? I think most of the people on this forum know their marriage is not going to make it and it's only a matter of time before it's over. Your tired of being blamed? It's okay to blame her. Your kids need you, other people in your life need you and want the best for you. Don't let this marriage destroy you. She will pull herself together after you leave. You can do one last thing for her. Be her wake up call!
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by SpiicTacular
"Some times I really wonder if getting really big when you are in a relationship could even be a form of aggression. It's obvious that things get aggressive when the situation is brought up... that's why I wonder. I don't know if I have ever heard anyone think of obesity as a sort of aggresive act... to me sometimes it is almost like picking a fight with someone in a very indirect way, almost like a f. u. to the world or perhaps yourself or someone you are focused on. Isn't depression itself a form of repressed anger? I have heard that particular theory, but never about obesity... and I wonder. I'm not a doctor, or a shrink but I wonder sometimes. "

I'm 100% sure that in my case growing up , it was a form of aggression. My grandmother lived ( still does) with my parents and helped in raising me. From early teens to when I moved out , the relationship got steadily worse over the years.  I don't know what it is about some women of that generation, but she was extremely controlling and manipulative. It wasn't conscious, but it was the most  cowardly form of rebellion I had available. I didn't want to sleep around, shoplift, or drink , or  do drugs, so  I went for the ice cream.
GS Sailor Midnight GS Sailor Midnight
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by SpiicTacular
im sorry i am not fat because i dont want to look at myself i am fat because of a birth control shot and now i cant lose the weight that and i like soday. so starting this monday im going off pop and eating less. it is not a form of aggression it just happens. we dont wake up one day and say hey i want to be fat. i look at myself in the mirror everyday and i dont see a fat girl i see a beautiful girl who is happy with herself but could lose some weight. there is nothing wrong with obese or fat people it is the beauty on the inside that matters not the outside.
Logical Fellow Logical Fellow
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Re: depressed and obese

Hmmm... If you gained weight from a birth control shot, you wouldn't be able to lose weight by cutting out pop and eating less. Your eyes are looking awfully brown today, Madam.
Cheese&Wine Cheese&Wine
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by GS Sailor Midnight
Beauty on the inside matters when we pick friends. When we pick life partners, most people look for a friend and a lover in the same person. If sexual attraction did not matter, a lot of people could just live with their parents, siblings and same sex friends forever.

Assuming that a person who rejects a fat spouse cares more about the outer beauty than the inner beauty is false. When choosing that one special person, large scale compromises are not the right thing to do. It's impossible to be happy living with a mean, stupid, vindictive person., and it's just as impossible to be happy living without sexual attraction and thus without real sexual satisfaction. It's not a matter of one or the other. We need both. Is that a lot to ask? Sure! That's why you don't meet a potential mate often.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by GS Sailor Midnight
GS Sailor Midnight wrote
im sorry i am not fat because i dont want to look at myself i am fat because of a birth control shot and now i cant lose the weight that and i like soday. so starting this monday im going off pop and eating less. it is not a form of aggression it just happens. we dont wake up one day and say hey i want to be fat. i look at myself in the mirror everyday and i dont see a fat girl i see a beautiful girl who is happy with herself but could lose some weight. there is nothing wrong with obese or fat people it is the beauty on the inside that matters not the outside.
You keep telling yourself that. So long as YOU feel better about yourself, who cares how anyone else feels, right?!

You blame the shot then spout on about how you love soda. There seems to be a disconnect between cause and effect. If it's the shot, how many calories are in this shot? How often do you have to take it? (Of course I'm being sarcastic here). The shot might make you more prone to gain or hold wait, but it does not cause you to gain weight.


I say the following in sincerity. If you feel beautiful and good, that's great. No need to be miserable because others don't see you the way you want them to. Now, on that note, just because you think you are beautiful, you have no right to demand that others agree. We are entitled to our opinion and assessment of attraction/health. If you want others to find you to be beautiful, then you would need to try and be what they assess to be as much. Your choice.

Also, I'll repeat again. Fat (or unhealthy in any way <that is the result of choices/lifestyle) is a reflection of one's character, i.e. their 'inside'. Now, people are fat for different reasons but, I don't think it can be argued that any of those reasons would reflect well on a persons' 'inside-that-counts'. Some of those reasons are less of a deal than others but, all of them reflect on a person's choices and thus character.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Deepender Deepender
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by willie
Hey there, I found this post while searching the internet for the EXACT same problem. My wife has been depressed on and off for the decade we've been together, however, since the birth of our daughter (her second child, my first) 6 years ago, she has been suffering from depression. I really believe it is post partum (sp?) but I am no doctor.
 
I have, however, spent a lot of time in therapy because of my co-dependency issues, etc, and have gotten a lot of help.
 
Like the OP, my wife is exactly the same way... she has put on around 70 - 80 lbs and she believes this to be the cause of her depression. I believe it is a symptom OF her depression. She refuses to get help, she gets angry when I approach her with my concerns and seems to not care if I am here or not.
 
This is breaking my heart, I love her with all my heart and don't want to leave, but I am at my wits end and ready to walk out the door. She DID buy a couple books on depression, so in some way, I consider that a small victory, as she is at least acknowledging she has an issue.
 
However, she doesn't read often and based on what I have seen, has ZERO self discipline to do things on her own when it comes to bettering herself, because first she must admit she was wrong, which she WILL NOT DO. I keep praying she will see how much she means to me. I pray that I won't have to be alone in my own house and I pray that when I bring this up, she doesn't look at me like she could spit in my face. I love my family but I hate being alone, even in a room with her in it.
Laura73 Laura73
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by SpiicTacular
I do not think that obesity or depression is a form of agressive. Though both could become agressive if they are that type of person. I don't really think it is fair to categorize either one. I think most depressed people are sad rather than angry.
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: depressed and obese

In many cases depressed people may be sad but it's caused by being chemically off-balance and that can only be fixed with medication.  But you'd be surprised by some of the aggressive attitudes of "depressed" people.  Their state of mind can cause them to be outright nasty to others, so I do think perhaps weight gain can be associated with that, even if it's subconcious.
bana bana
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Re: depressed and obese

In reply to this post by Laura73
Laura73 wrote
I do not think that obesity or depression is a form of agressive. Though both could become agressive if they are that type of person. I don't really think it is fair to categorize either one. I think most depressed people are sad rather than angry.
Disagree. Steven Wright called depression, "anger without enthusiasm". While he's a comedian and not a psychologist, there are many doctors/therapists that agree with the concept. Depression can easily come from deep-seeded anger/hostility and in my opinion is more likely since I, personally, seem to know more depressed people than I do huffing, puffing angry persons.
Eric Bana is hot. Why? Many reasons. One reason is because he's not fat.
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: depressed and obese

According to Dr Amen, depression and obesity go together. He's been on PBS a lot, and his research looks interesting- maybe you can watch it with her to spark her interest. I know just giving my husband b vitamins and fish oil  helped a lot  when he was going through some bad times.