having an affair to save a marriage

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used2bfat used2bfat
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having an affair to save a marriage

For the sake of keeping the family unit intact it is safe to say here that possibly an affair isn't the worst thing that a sex deprived spouse should do to keep life tolerable so long as noone is getting hurt? I would like to hear some honest responses and not just politically correct responses this question.
life in hold life in hold
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

I've considered it myself... though we do not have any kiddos to speak of, yet.  There's no real family unit... and I am trying to keep it that way until my wifes weight issue is resolved. We've only been married for two years now.  I am still in shock as to how I married someone with no desire to stay fit and healthy.  I guess i didn't see that  comin... I am still holding out hope that she'll  jump on the weight loss band wagon with me, but it's been a long hard battle filled with lots of frustration and loneliness for both of us.  It's tempting.  I have been propositioned and sorely tempted.  I know that I could get some action on the side if wanted it, but i have this darned conscience that would no doubt eat me alive.  Still, I am a man with needs.  My sex drive is strong.  But it seems the sizzle in our marriage has long since dried up...  An affair seems like an easy out... a way to get some release... but i am sure it comes with its own set of problems.  Lies and deceit have a way of coming out no matter how well you cover your tracks.

Sounds like you're rationalizing the possibility.  Are things truly that bad that you'd consider straying?
mountain mountain
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

In reply to this post by used2bfat
Hm....he cheats on you with food....and he won't be around for his kids and you for a long time because of his choices......so I think cheating is fair game
He doesn't care about you and your kids otherwise he would be a man and make sure that he is around for a long time.
used2bfat used2bfat
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

In reply to this post by life in hold
After 20 years of marriage and 3 children n to still raise (they are 15,13 and 9) the option to leave is not on the table. Although he is fat and unhealthy he is a good father and splitting up the family would only do harm to all involved. In your situation without kids and not a ton of time put in if your already having doubts...well just something to think about before you get in too deep (no pun intended) and your not able to walk away should you decide. The answer to your question is yes.
used2bfat used2bfat
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

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Mountain....we seem to be on the same page :)
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

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used2bfat wrote
so long as no one is getting hurt
There's the rub.

I think that living a lie hurts a person very deeply--much worse than it hurts the person being lied to.

I did come close to doing so with Mr. T.--so I have infinite compassion for those who cross the line--but my friendship with him (I see him once a year) in the shared knowledge of having done the right thing is a source of solace and strength for me.  Our knowing glance now is fond and guilt-free, and also directed towards other things that aren't just about us, which is very liberating.  And if some parts of my life are a bummer, others are not, and I feel eros in so many creative things in life, not just sex.

And if, in all honesty, I sometimes feel sad during some parts of my day (sometimes when getting in or out of bed), the fact that I don't have to hide anything makes the rest of my day much better. I don't worry about "not being able to call" someone, or about some interaction that has to be carefully planned and then cut short, or about grand plans that get imagined (and what affair would be worth any less?) but somehow never come about because of some problem that keeps coming up.  I don't spend holidays or Valentine's Day morose, or in disguise.  And my kids know who I am.  They know that I have things on the go, and that I am struggling and growing as a person on different levels, and that I am working with Daddy to honestly confront our problems.  That's something, and it's lasting.

I'm not just being politically correct here. It's how I feel.

Of course, I know that we all justify the decisions we have made.  And that if I had crossed the line with Mr. T., I might be defending it now.  

But I think at least one person ought to return to the question of what it means to say that "no one is getting hurt."  Or the more positive corollary:  what is the thing that really makes one happy?  And I ask that knowing that every situation is unique.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
used2bfat used2bfat
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

Appreciate your response:)
The Man With No Plan The Man With No Plan
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

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Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

The Man With No Plan wrote
I think my fidelity is something I can be sorta proud about.
I like the "sorta."  I don't feel that my position is a moral one--it's really a pretty selfish one: would this make me happy, letting me grow in a positive way (well, okay, the worst mistakes can do that, too, but still...), or would it cause me anxiety, pain, and some sort of disconnect with who I really am? For me, an affair would mean the latter.

That said, in this world in which small children are tortured and shot, and people are being slaughtered and starved, it is very hard for me to call two consenting adults giving pleasure to each other "immoral."  I just don't think it is, even if I'm not comfortable doing it in the form of an affair.  And sometimes I wonder if it is a weakness in me that I would not be comfortable with a casual encounter--just leaving it at that.  But, oh, no, I know myself well enough to know that I would not be able to leave it at that, and thus would flood in all the problems and headaches and heartaches and soul-draining distraction from whatever is that creative thing I'm really here to be doing.

But some people can juggle them both just fine, and, hey, I wish them well, truly!

Still, I agree with PlanMan in doubting that it would "save" the marriage--either as a real marriage, or just in form.

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
The Man With No Plan The Man With No Plan
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Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

The Man With No Plan wrote
I know there are some folks here who like to say stuff like "she cheated on you first with cupcakes."  There's something to that I guess but it feels different to me.
Yes, it feels different to me, too.  But then we should ask Cupcakes.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
The Man With No Plan The Man With No Plan
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Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: having an affair to save a marriage

That's the reputation you get for hanging out with  tarts!  I couldn't resist , LOL.