husband is embarrassed of me

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mj3 mj3
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husband is embarrassed of me

I hope this makes sense. I really need to talk about this.

I am pretty sure that my husband is embarrassed of me. The reason I say this is because he has been going to a lot of parties that his work has, alone. They are going away parties for people that are moving away, family barbecues etc...

The last three parties he has asked me if it was ok if he went and I said sure go ahead. He said he wouldn't be gone long and he wasn't. He comes home and tells me that so and so was there with their wife, kids etc.. So I know wives and kids were invited.

Tonight he went to a going away party and I asked if ds and I could go and he said no. His reasoning was because ds is a handful, we would be running after him etc.. I know for a fact that kids were going to be there and kids our ds age to boot.

I am overweight by 50 pounds. I not hideous but I am not pretty either.

I know he thinks I'm ugly. He never wants to take me out to dinner or the movies. We rarely have sex anymore.

I know I am depressed and I will be seeing a doctor next week for that.

I really think he is embarrassed about me. It hurts me to think that he is. I envy women who's husbands aren't embarrased to be seen with them.

Thanks for letting me vent.
killpill killpill
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Re: husband is embarrassed of me

This post was updated on .
Well instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and getting all depressed why don't you do something about it?


:/
Sunshine09 Sunshine09
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In reply to this post by mj3
First & foremost, know this, your husband isn't God - so don't worship him and consider his opinion of you higher than your own.  Take care of yourself, lose weight for yourself, not for him.....begin to do all the things that you gave up before you married him & had his child.  Join a gym - or do something active, something that will contribute to your health & wellbeing; let him stay home with the little one while you do these things, too.  And, once you lose those fifty pounds, buy beautiful clothes & leave him home a few times with the baby - and you go out (with friends).  Tell him the same thing he told you, too - "ds is a handful & we would be running after him, etc.".  Karma lends an amazing reality check.  


Don't waste anymore time feeling sorry about what he's thinking or not thinking....get moving towards your health goals....for yourself!


Keep the promises you make to yourself.

226/180/115-120
mountain mountain
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So you know what the problem is! You know that being 50 lbs overweight is dangerous! You want sex with your hubby! You want him to adore and want you!

Get of the couch and start eating right and exercising and lose those 50 lbs, then buy some sexy clothes and you will have your man back.
Don't blame him for not being attracted to you anymore and don't blame him for being ashamed of you either.
It is in your hand.....the hand that brings the food to your mouth.
Mary45 Mary45
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In reply to this post by mj3
Oh dear, mj3, it sure is a depressing situation... But to look on the bright side, you can fix this problem - and maybe there are other issues in your marriage or maybe there aren't, but why sit around fretting and feeling awful? If you loose the weight you'll at least feel great about yourself and gain a world of confidence to boot. And for goodness sakes, try eating right and exercising as much as possible before you get yourself on antidepressants.

Only people willing to work to the point of discomfort on a regular basis using effective means to produce that discomfort will actually look like they have been other-than-comfortable most of the time. (Mark Rippetoe)
pissedOffBF pissedOffBF
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In reply to this post by mj3
this situation is 1500000000000000000000000000000% YOUR FAULT!
why don't you quit shoving ho-hos down your pie-hole and lose some weight? of course your husband is embarrassed of you.  why would he want to take an overweight blob to the office party? so he will get looked down upon by his co-workers? so he can get even more envious of his male co-workers' skinny spouses?

I'm tired of you fat women blaming everyone else for your situation. the problem is YOU!  and for the record, you should at least be happy him not taking you to the office party is the most he has done to you.  If I was in his situation, I would have cheated on you and then dumped you to the curb.
Mojo Mojo
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Your husband didn't give you those 50 extra pounds, and he certainly can't take them from you.  If you want to get back that "lov'in feel'in" of your husband's natural affection, then you naturally will need to lose the baggage.  To do that you have to admit to yourself that the problem is yours.  If the problem is yours, then you have the power to fix it-so why not fix it?  It won't be as easy as putting it all on was, but I'd venture to say that it will definitely be worth it.  The alternative is; well I won't say what the alternative is, you probably already know where that road ends and I don't think you want to go there, do you?
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Sunshine09 Sunshine09
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Re: husband is embarrassed of me

Mojo wrote
Your husband didn't give you those 50 extra pounds, and he certainly can't take them from you.  If you want to get back that "lov'in feel'in" of your husband's natural affection, then you naturally will need to lose the baggage.  To do that you have to admit to yourself that the problem is yours.  If the problem is yours, then you have the power to fix it-so why not fix it?  It won't be as easy as putting it all on was, but I'd venture to say that it will definitely be worth it.  The alternative is; well I won't say what the alternative is, you probably already know where that road ends and I don't think you want to go there, do you?


Mojo is somewhat correct - your husband didn't give you those 50 extra pounds, and he certainly can't take them from you; however, he doesn't have the right to blatantly disrespect you by ostracizing you from social events (what a bastard!).  And, most likely, it's not his life that has been flipped upside down by the birth of your child.  Who is sleep-deprived?  Who takes the baby to the doctor?  Who has to rearrange their schedule to go the doctor, dentist, or other outings that are difficult to manage with a little one?  Who is home with the little one 24/7?  And these are questions asked only assuming you're a homemaker!  If you're working FT too, who is really the one juggling work responsibilities as well as home responsibilities?  I'd put money that it's you, you & you....all the time, if not most.  This is why you need to take back your time.

Yeah, he wants that "lovin' feeling" back, well, that's not free; he needs to give his time & money, which most married men can't seem to comprehend, especially if they think - and treat - their spouse like they're undeserving (because of their weight).  Have him watch the baby while you exercise....... every night, after he gets home from work no less - and make him fund the gym membership, yoga classes and/or trainer. If he can't afford to do that, certainly - go out and walk - don't deprive yourself of moving, breathing and doing something that will better yourself.... but let him know he needs to make more money, because this sh*t is a two-way street.   If he's going to make you feel pressure, pressure about not being "good enough" to take in public, let him feel a little pressure too - let him know how "attractive" it is to be with a man who can take care of all your needs.  He may not be happy, but you being fat is clearly related to the fact that your relationship with him doesn't make you happy.

Losing weight is definitely worth it, but your primary focus shouldn't be about what suits his ego most, especially in social settings, nor what is appeals solely to his sexuality.  What's best for your health will benefit him - but it's not about him, your wellbeing is about you!  Take control of your life!

Keep the promises you make to yourself.

226/180/115-120
Mary45 Mary45
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Re: husband is embarrassed of me

I'm really curious and this is an honest and straightforward question: Is it really true that in America most mothers of toddlers are stay-at-home moms and that thus their husbands pay for their gym-memberships etc? (I live in a very different culture in this respect, most women go straight back to work after maternity-leave - but then naturally gvt-funded daycare is readily available, and to avoid misunderstandings I believe the US system is better)

Only people willing to work to the point of discomfort on a regular basis using effective means to produce that discomfort will actually look like they have been other-than-comfortable most of the time. (Mark Rippetoe)
Fred Fred
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Ah, HA Ha Ha HA! Nope! Not true.
The Buddhist Mortician The Buddhist Mortician
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In reply to this post by Mary45
Mary45: I know this is a late response, but I think it's an important question. The answer is no. Most American mothers work. Maternity leave lasts anywhere from a week to four months, unpaid, and some mothers lose their jobs when they take time off to bond.

BUT-- the moms who can stay home, mostly do. And they can only stay home if Dear Hubby makes enough money-- anywhere from $30,000 to infinity per year, depending on the lifestyle the family maintains. There's a lot of other stuff... sometimes weight gain can be used as a way to force the husband to divorce the wife so she can get alimony (this is rare, I think, but it happens)... so if a wife stays home, she is generally under more societal pressure to stay slim.
You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of the work. Never give way to laziness, either.... Those who work solely for the fruits are miserable.-- Bhagavad Gita.
The Buddhist Mortician The Buddhist Mortician
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In reply to this post by Mary45
Mary45: I know this is a late response, but I think it's an important question. The answer is no. Most American mothers work. Maternity leave lasts anywhere from a week to four months, unpaid, and some mothers lose their jobs when they take time off to bond.

BUT-- the moms who can stay home, mostly do. And they can only stay home if Dear Hubby makes enough money-- anywhere from $30,000 to infinity per year, depending on the lifestyle the family maintains. There's a lot of other stuff... sometimes weight gain can be used as a way to force the husband to divorce the wife so she can get alimony (this is rare, I think, but it happens)... so if a wife stays home, she is generally under more societal pressure to stay slim.
You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of the work. Never give way to laziness, either.... Those who work solely for the fruits are miserable.-- Bhagavad Gita.
Sunshine09 Sunshine09
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Mary45 wrote
I'm really curious and this is an honest and straightforward question: Is it really true that in America most mothers of toddlers are stay-at-home moms and that thus their husbands pay for their gym-memberships etc?
Where I live, yes.
Keep the promises you make to yourself.

226/180/115-120
bana bana
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In reply to this post by mj3
mj3 wrote
I hope this makes sense. I really need to talk about this.

I am pretty sure that my husband is embarrassed of me. The reason I say this is because he has been going to a lot of parties that his work has, alone. They are going away parties for people that are moving away, family barbecues etc...

The last three parties he has asked me if it was ok if he went and I said sure go ahead. He said he wouldn't be gone long and he wasn't. He comes home and tells me that so and so was there with their wife, kids etc.. So I know wives and kids were invited.

Tonight he went to a going away party and I asked if ds and I could go and he said no. His reasoning was because ds is a handful, we would be running after him etc.. I know for a fact that kids were going to be there and kids our ds age to boot.

I am overweight by 50 pounds. I not hideous but I am not pretty either.

I know he thinks I'm ugly. He never wants to take me out to dinner or the movies. We rarely have sex anymore.


I know I am depressed and I will be seeing a doctor next week for that.

I really think he is embarrassed about me. It hurts me to think that he is. I envy women who's husbands aren't embarrased to be seen with them.

Thanks for letting me vent.
I don't think this makes him a jerk. My DH was, on occasion, embarrased to be seen with me. It hurt but was my own fault. I'm the only one that could change that whole situation. So are you.

See a doctor about losing the weight and getting healthy and NOT about getting on Paxil or whatever so that you won't feel depressed while you still stay unhealthy.

If you envy those women, you can become those women. None of us deserves esteem because we're breathing and taking up space. We deserve esteem when we do the things that make us proud of ourselves. Good luck with that. Really. You haven't been back here, and I hope you do and let us know how you're doing.


Eric Bana is hot. Why? Many reasons. One reason is because he's not fat.
Wow Wow
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In reply to this post by pissedOffBF
For the guy that said he wouldve't dumped his fat girlfriend, you better make sure you don't become bald when you get older, because you're going to be an old bald fart.
bana bana
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Wow wrote
For the guy that said he wouldve't dumped his fat girlfriend, you better make sure you don't become bald when you get older, because you're going to be an old bald fart.
That's just assinine. People understand that everybody ages, many lose or have thinning hair. But becoming obese is WITHIN SOMEONE'S CONTROL should they choose to exert it!
Eric Bana is hot. Why? Many reasons. One reason is because he's not fat.
Mojo Mojo
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Wow wrote
For the guy that said he wouldve't dumped his fat girlfriend, you better make sure you don't become bald when you get older, because you're going to be an old bald fart.
Wow,
fart |färt| informal
verb [ intrans. ]
emit gas from the anus.
• ( fart about/around) waste time on silly or trivial things.
noun
an emission of gas from the anus.
• a boring or contemptible person : he was such an old fart.

Noxious emissions from the anal region are a reflex of the natural biological function as is eating or breathing oxygen.  Aging or becoming "old" is a natural biological process, as certain as death itself or even taxes.  Baldness, however, is a condition often determined by predetermined genetic factors outside of an individual's own control.  
Obesity, is a medical condition in which excess body fat has accumulated to the extent that it may have an adverse effect on health, leading to reduced life expectancy.  Unlike most forms of  baldness, obesity is a condition that is very much preventable and in most all cases "curable".  It is the result of a chronic repetitive disorder something referred to as "hand to mouth"; this disorder is however caused by a conscious choice to over stimulate the natural senses in the same addictive manner that an alcoholic or drug addict does in order to obtain an altered state of being.   In order to become obese you have to consume more calories than the body metabolizes.  That is a scientific fact as indisputable as the fact that the earth is round, not flat.  When an obese person is locked within a controlled environment and forced on to a restricted caloric diet, they loose weight-period.  To do otherwise would violate natural law and physics-it is just not humanly possible to get fat without consuming more food than your body needs to survive.  

I may one day live to be an old bald fart, but I intend to be an alive healthy, virile, and fit old bald fart  If my lady doesn't like a bald head I can do something about it, like buy a hair piece.  But I hear that the Kojak look is coming back in style anyway!
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Malganis Malganis
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Re: husband is embarrassed of me

In reply to this post by mountain
mountain: "Don't blame him for not being attracted to you anymore and don't blame him for being ashamed of you either."

No, I think that she can blame him for how he's treating her. Instead of shunning her like she's a dog who urinated on the rug, why doesn't he support her lovingly in her weight-loss goals? Why the hell would he think that social isolation would do anything but fracture their relationship?

And seriously... ashamed? Embarrassed? Over what, an extra fifty pounds? That alone is enough to lie to one's wife, the mother of his child, as to why he doesn't want her to go to the party?

If he's not sitting down with her and talking honestly yet kindly as to how he feels and what HE can help her do to achieve her weight-loss goals, he is being cruel to his wife, and dishonoring HER. She bore his child for nine months in her body and birthed his child... and he thinks he can get off by shaming her and shunning her? What world is he living in? And if he can't talk with her honestly about how he feels, then perhaps there is a bigger issue of lack of communication in their marriage which should be addressed first. Perhaps if he feels like he should lie to her and shun her, rather than being open, honest, and loving, there is something wrong with HIM.

PissedoffBF: "this situation is 1500000000000000000000000000000% YOUR FAULT!
why don't you quit shoving ho-hos down your pie-hole and lose some weight? of course your husband is embarrassed of you.  why would he want to take an overweight blob to the office party? so he will get looked down upon by his co-workers? so he can get even more envious of his male co-workers' skinny spouses?  

I'm tired of you fat women blaming everyone else for your situation. the problem is YOU!  and for the record, you should at least be happy him not taking you to the office party is the most he has done to you.  If I was in his situation, I would have cheated on you and then dumped you to the curb."

Yeah, I guess the husband bears absolutely no responsibility for how he reacts? That poor little visually-oriented man just can't help but be a passive-agressive douche. *rolls eyes*

Oh, and thanks for just announcing to the world that you see women, in particular YOUR woman, as nothing but something to make you look good. Kinda like shiny hubcabs on your hotrod, or something. God help her if she gets stuck with your child and the shine comes off the hubcaps, right?

Bana: "I don't think this makes him a jerk. My DH was, on occasion, embarrased to be seen with me. It hurt but was my own fault. I'm the only one that could change that whole situation. So are you."

Him lying to her and treating her like she's a leper is her fault??? Really?

No, that's called someone being completely passive-aggressive and dishonest. If my boyfriend were to ever have a problem with my appearance or behavior, I would, y'know, prefer to know about it so I could change it. Not be lied to and shunned.

"If you envy those women, you can become those women."

No. No, no, no, no, noooooo, NO. A thousand times, NO.

Envy is a pretty painful sin. Envying the body or looks of someone else HURTS. Because you will never look like someone else. You will never have the "perfection" that you think you see in someone else. If the OP tries to lose weight so that she can become like the thin women her husband is fantasizing over, or that she thinks look better than her... well, guess what, she may never be able to live up to their looks. Her breasts may never be as firm, or as small, her stomach may never be as flat as theirs. And believe me, if she clings to those ideals, it will hurt her. She might always think that her husband would prefer someone else, even if she does lose the weight.

It is incredibly painful, and futile, to compare yourself to someone else. Just be as good as YOU can be, and be happy with that... at whatever weight you are.        
RandeeJ RandeeJ
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In reply to this post by mj3
That's painful, but it's good to get the other side of the story. I'm sure depression plays a major role in so much of my own situation and I have to admit I am embarrassed and my wife knows it.
Mojo Mojo
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In reply to this post by Malganis
Malganis wrote
...
Envy is a pretty painful sin. Envying the body or looks of someone else HURTS. Because you will never look like someone else. You will never have the "perfection" that you think you see in someone else. If the OP tries to lose weight so that she can become like the thin women her husband is fantasizing over, or that she thinks look better than her... well, guess what, she may never be able to live up to their looks. Her breasts may never be as firm, or as small, her stomach may never be as flat as theirs. And believe me, if she clings to those ideals, it will hurt her. She might always think that her husband would prefer someone else, even if she does lose the weight.

It is incredibly painful, and futile, to compare yourself to someone else. Just be as good as YOU can be, and be happy with that... at whatever weight you are.        

I agree, Envy is a sin, one that mainly only negatively affects the person who is doing the envying.  What is worse is Gluttony, a sin that scourges not only the "sinner" but the marriage, spouse, and many other innocent persons as well.  I don't recall anyone on this forum ever suggesting that they wanted perfection from their mates.  Most just want to love and be loved equally, and in a Natural way.  
No amount of arguing or debate will convince any reasonable person that an extra 50 lbs is in any way natural.
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