my husband is embarrassed of me

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Minorthreat Minorthreat
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my husband is embarrassed of me

 
I am pretty sure that my husband is embarrassed of me. The reason I say this is because he has been going to a lot of parties that his work has, alone. They are going away parties for people that are moving away, family barbecues etc...

The last three parties he has asked me if it was ok if he went and I said sure go ahead. He said he wouldn't be gone long and he wasn't. He comes home and tells me that so and so was there with their wife, kids etc.. So I know wives and kids were invited.

Tonight he went to a going away party and I asked if ds and I could go and he said no. His reasoning was because ds is a handful, we would be running after him etc.. I know for a fact that kids were going to be there and kids our ds age to boot.

I am overweight by 50 pounds. I not hideous but I am not pretty either.

I know he thinks I'm ugly. He never wants to take me out to dinner or the movies. We rarely have sex anymore.

I know I am depressed and I will be seeing a doctor next week for that.

I really think he is embarrassed about me. It hurts me to think that he is. I envy women who's husbands aren't embarrased to be seen with them.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

Minor,
I  don't mean to hurt your feelings, but sometimes the truth has to hurt before it can heal.

If you think he's embarrassed of you and doesn't want to sleep with you, there  is a lot you can do for that.  Proper diet ( lots of B vitamins) and  exercise  has been shown to help minor  depression. I know it lifts my mood. If you  keep going the way you're going, 50  could turn to  100  lbs before you know it. Scary but true.  Please don't try anything  drastic or dangerous because that's usually a short term solution that  usually backfires.  Whatever diet you choose, make it something you can spend the rest of  your  life on.  
  I noticed   after  20 lbs  that  my husband started to take notice of me again, and I think what it takes is just a continued effort.   Even if he doesn't,  getting in to shape and better heath will make you a better example for your son . At least once you get to a healthy weight you'll know if it was the excess pounds pushing him away.
graygirl graygirl
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

In reply to this post by Minorthreat
Did this post orbit around cyberspace and then make a second landing?  Maybe it's just me having deja-vu, but I could swear I've seen this identical post before.  
Andrea T Andrea T
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

Me too, Grey - I was wondering if she  didn't like the answer she got the first time and decided to try again.
WuKong WuKong
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

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Here's an idea: Be the woman he'd want to be with. If you were him, would you want to be with you? Then why should he??

To have a secure relationship comes with a price: work. Now get to work and EARN your man's attention and affection. There is no need to wish or whine. That's what children do, and it's up to us as adults to teach them responsibility and that everything worth having in life has to be earned.

Good luck!
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Chevalle D'or Chevalle D'or
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In reply to this post by Minorthreat
Sadly, no one is going to coddle you through this and say you are okay the way you are. You arent, and you know it. God didnt create people to be depressed or obese. These are results of what we do to ourselves and what we let big food coporations do to our food.

As a survivor of some fairly debilitating health issues who has spent years recovering, I can tell you this:

The mainstream medical community will probably let you down.

Every body, and I literally mean "Body" is different. What kind of diet and exerise helps one person will not help another. You may have to search many different diets and read a lot of books to find what works for you. Dont quit till you find one that works. I have a very good friend who finally, after years of seeking found what works for her. SHe has dropped 50 since January. I asked her, "Hey, is your sex life better?' She giggled and said, "Yes!"

THere is a very good book out right now about the mind and how to take amino acids to control depression. There are many natural ways to deal with that.

Dont know what else to say. But at least for now you are still married and have a chance with your man.  
Married2ASweatHog? Married2ASweatHog?
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

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mountain mountain
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

Married2ASweatHog, truer words have never been spoken!
domboy domboy
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Minorthreat wrote
 I really think he is embarrassed about me. It hurts me to think that he is. I envy women who's husbands aren't embarrased to be seen with them.
He probably is embarrassed, and trust me, that really hurts too. And what he probably hasn't told you is how he would love to have a wife he would be proud to have by his side. No, I'm not talking about a trophy wife, just a woman he is attracted to. He's probably envious of the men who have wives they aren't embarrassed about. What I'm trying to say is that you've shared how much you are hurting, but have you ever stopped to think how much you are hurting your husband????

Minorthreat wrote
I am overweight by 50 pounds. I not hideous but I am not pretty either.
I know I am depressed and I will be seeing a doctor next week for that.
There's your problem, and there's your solution. Loose that 50 pounds, and I bet you'll do wonders for your your appearance, your marriage, and quite possibly your depression. Exercise (which you'll need to do to loose that 50 pounds) can really help alleviate depression.

Minorthreat wrote
Thanks for letting me vent.
No problem, and welcome. I really hope you've been honest when reading all the replies to your post. While it may be harsh and hard to read, we've all spelled out the truth without any of the political correct garbage. I hope it has opened your eyes and shown you a path to a better life. I wish you and your husband the best. But remember, the ball is in your court, not his.
Krymsin Krymsin
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

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Seriously if your spouse can not accept you for who you are kick there pointless backside to the curb. If you are comfortable in your own skin then that is their issue and not yours. More than likely they are not worth being with in the first place. If I ever needed to diet in order for my husband to look at me I would be finding a new partner in life quicker than I can blink. I know I am better than that .
WuKong WuKong
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

Krymsin wrote
Seriously if your spouse can not accept you for who you are kick there pointless backside to the curb. If you are comfortable in your own skin then that is their issue and not yours. More than likely they are not worth being with in the first place. If I ever needed to diet in order for my husband to look at me I would be finding a new partner in life quicker than I can blink. I know I am better than that .
I know, right?!?!!? I have a temper and when I get mad I hit my husband with the nearest kitchen item. But, this is who I am and he better accept that. Fucking loser. He's lucky to have my fat ass. If he thinks he can let himself go, ESPECIALLY in the money he brings home to support this family, HE'S got another thing coming.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
Rose Rose
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

This is just an aside question because I see a recurrent theme among mostly male posters.  Real often, I notice that the men equate their quitting their job thereby removing financial support with their wife becoming unattractive, thereby through default, squashing the sex life.  Are most of the overweight wives SAHM moms?  In my experience, most of the women I know both socially (church, kids school and athletic functions, neighborhood, volunteering) and professionally, work outside the home and contribute a significant portion of the household income.  Some of the ladies even earn more than their husbands.  And, most of the women are to some degree overweight.
 
 
I get the concept that men need hot looking wives to want to have sex and that some women look at earnings potential when looking for a mate.  But with most women already in the workforce and many of them pretty capable of supporting themselves, I don't understand that concept.  Plus I see a husband as so much more than just a paycheck, just as I think a husband should see a wife as more than just a hot bod.
And what about the idea that the overweight working wife and mom telling the husband she is quitting her job so she can spend more time on herself, dieting, working out, going to the gym, etc., so the husband can pick up the slack in the earnings loss by working more hours or getting a second job?  She could be hot looking for him, he could totally support the family.
 

I guess what it boils down to for me is that men NEED sex, but women don't necessarily NEED someone to support them, so the argument from the man...."I'll quit my job and stop supporting you and then you will see how hurtful it is that you are fat and I am not attracted to you" doesn't make sense to me.
 

Hope this isn't considered a thread hijack.  I just keep seeing the same analogy and jumped on it today.
Rosie
yorktown38 yorktown38
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yorktown38 yorktown38
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Rose Rose
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

YT
If having a spouse support them was such an innate need for women, why are so many married women working to support their families?  Should they just tell their husbands they are inadequate because they don't fully support the family?  Should they lay down the ultimatum "get a better job so I can quit my job or I am out of here"?  Should she tell him "you are no longer desirable to me because you don't earn as much as So And So down the street"?  What I am thinking is that the husband threatening to quit his job isn't such a big deal as, if she is working, he already is not meeting her need to be supported.  I think women, in general, take up the slack because that is what is expected.
 
For me, personally, it was never about being supported.  I chose based on other things I believed were important to me; intellect, sense of humor, thoughtfulness, common interests, similar socioeconomic background.  I chose what I thought would produce a long and happy marriage.  H and I have been through a lot.  There were times I earned less than him and times I earned more.  There were times I worked and he, by his own choice, did not.   In addition to my career, I also assumed the role of traditional homemaker, taking all responsibility for the children, home, most of the yard and aging parents.  Sure, it would have been nice to be able to stay home with our children or take some time out to finish a terminal degree, but that was not in the cards.  Should I have kicked him to the curb because he did not financially support me?   The way things are today, it appears I would have been justified in doing so and just moving on.
 
Actually, this blog has helped me to examine a lot in my life and that is why I continue to read it.  I am slowly struggling to change my thinking in the way of the world today.  I am beginning to realize that I have wasted a good portion of my life in trying to make others happy, when it is my needs and my happiness I should be concerned with first.  
 
Oh, and to those who recall my posts from before, I did not gain any weight through Christmas  by avoiding as many social events (diet wrecking temptations) as possible, upping the exercise, trying some McDougall recipes, and baking no holiday goodies.  Family hated McDougall food and moaned about no traditional food, but if I have to change, they will have to sacrifice a little as well.  11 lb to go and the cruise is still on. :-)
 
Rosie
WuKong WuKong
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Re: my husband is embarrassed of me

My post was satire. I saw no reason to give a serious response to such a brainless post as hers.

As far as what men and women look for with the opposite sex, though there are (and yours as well) exceptions, the rule still stands.

It is not necessarily that women are attracted to money. Biologically speaking, women are hypergamous. The same is not true for men. A simple example would be groupies. Simply speaking, women are attracted to status, in one (or more) shape or another. Men, generally speaking, couldn't care less about the status of a woman. Biologically, he wants the most healthy vessel for popping out kids. This is determined/assessed by her physical appearance.

Biology is only one, though a major, factor in what drives and determines our attraction for the opposite sex. There are secondary factors that we learn or make conscious decisions on but, they do not negate the fact of the primary factor.

To belabor the point even more, it is not common for women to be attracted to a socially awkward, homeless (because of money or just lives with his parents), nice, skinny, and/or short guy. A guy can (initially) overlook all these things in a woman so long as she is physically attractive.


So, to clarify my satiric post to I-don't-give-a-shit-what-her-avatar-name-is, it was an exaggerated point based on the biological drives for attraction based on gender. No matter how much our abundently convenient, and removed from nature, our society is, we are not helping anyone by lying to ourselves that men and women are the same. We are not.
"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -
  --  Socrates
yorktown38 yorktown38
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sad sad
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Rose, congrats on staying on track (on the wagon?) over Christmas .  

I also agree with your response to YT38 regarding annoying generalizations about men and women.  That was my beef about the book His Needs, Her Needs:  the alternating chapters generalizing about what men need and what women need (despite his saying in the introduction that "everyone is unique").  I couldn't care less about the "status" of my husband--although perhaps my definition of status is just different.  For me, intelligence is at the top, sex is next, and then a sense that I am being respected for what I do--but actually, all these go together.   Of course, the fact that he is such a good father is also a big turn on for me, but that, too, goes along with my appreciation of his intellect and character.

I know what you mean about reading this blog as a way of examining one's life in a big way.  I feel that way, too.  

frustratedman frustratedman
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