sorely tempted...

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life on hold life on hold
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sorely tempted...

Just got back from a 60 hour work week yesterday evening .  I was at a convention at a hotel and there were LOTS of pretty ladies in attendance...  There was one that I had made eye contact with... ya know the look... "Oh hey!  I noticed you checking me out when I was checking YOU out."  Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh...  And then the flirting started.  The batting of the eyes.  The cheeky grins.  The flipping of hair.  ...and the constant "looking over your shoulder" move that drives me crazy because it's so painfully obvious that she's trying to get your attention.  (It works.)

Thinking of my wife did not help, I am sorry to say.  I kept conjuring up images of her parked on the couch with a bag of chips watching mindless TV sitcoms for hours on end.  I started getting horribly depressed...  Here was this young beautiful woman trying to get my attention, and I am stuck with a wife who I cannot get away from the idiot box let alone get her attention.  A coworker asked about my wife within her earshot... and that pretty much ended the flirting.  **sigh**  It was fun to feel desired, if only for a little while.  :-(

What a waste of my youth!
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: sorely tempted...

I empathize with you 100 percent. Your story calls up my whole complicated near-affair with Mr. Temptation--the joy of being affirmed on so many levels (intellectually! physically! humanly!); the sense of sheer animation, and of a mind brought back to life from the cringing paralysis of repressed feelings, both of desire and of disgust; the anxiety about time passing and slowly, crushingly, irretrievably leaving its mark on a body meant for love; and also the sense that the flirtation, its imaginative flight, is still not quite what it seems, or what one is truly seeking.

I'm still glad that I didn't go through with it, but I'm happy as anything that I skated perilously close, close enough to make my feelings known, and discovered that the talking and the affirmation that came of that was as much what I was looking for as anything else.  And there's a depth to the smile we share on the rare occasions we meet that I also cherish, and that would not be there if we'd crossed the line.  

But, hey, flirting is great.  It's okay.  It's the spice of life. And the trick (like I have any answers - geesh) is to figure out what it is that one is looking for truly, and to try to get there deliberately and reasonably, not via sabotage (which is what I would have been doing, I think).

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
life on hold life on hold
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Re: sorely tempted...

Thanks for the empathy, Mme. X.  Yes, I was skating perilously close...  If it were not for my coworker's impeccable sense of timing, I might have tried to pursue her.  To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind.  The situation was more than ideal.  Being out of town in a hotel, with my own room, made it all too tempting.  Of course, I am presuming that she would have taken me up on the offer-- but it was exciting to entertain the idea, nonetheless.

I took my frustrations out on the trail after posting my rant.  I felt like i needed to get somewhere far, far away.  Some place remote where I could sit and process the vast array of feelings I had built up in the past few days.  Excitement, desire, depression, guilt...  damn.  I feel like I am just all over the chart here lately.  

Heading back home from the trail (as well as the hotel) kind of made me feel like an inmate coming back in from the yard.  Deep down inside, I felt like making a run for it.  In my mind, it didn't matter if the "barbed wire" that is sure to come with a nasty divorce tore me to shreds.  Freedom was just on the other side.  I felt liberated, as well as scared to pieces, for that brief moment.

I am a total mess right now...  So much regret...  So much anxiety...  I know I've posted about the possibility of the "Big D" in the past, but right now it seems more like a certainty.  I just can't live like this anymore...  A day of reckoning is coming, soon it seems.  I am praying and hoping that one day she'll "get it" and come around.  I am not holding my breath...
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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Re: sorely tempted...

In reply to this post by Mme.X
Mme.X.,

What do you think of Snow Country or for that matter Madame Bovary?  They surely should give affair seekers pause.  As for the Big D, as my mother would say, "Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know."
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: sorely tempted...

Hi, Mr. Blue!  I've never read Snow Country, but as for Madame Bovary, yes Flaubert kills her off horribly--it is a moral tale if there ever was one--but as with all of the nineteenth century moral novels dealing with the same topic (Anna Karenina included), the infidelity itself is sketched with remarkable relish.  It is not an accident that Flaubert's readers discounted the death and remembered the cab ride...

I hope that you are doing well!  

Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
Mme.X Mme.X
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Re: sorely tempted...

In reply to this post by life on hold
life on hold wrote
Some place remote where I could sit and process the vast array of feelings I had built up in the past few days.  Excitement, desire, depression, guilt...  damn.  I feel like I am just all over the chart here lately. Heading back home from the trail (as well as the hotel) kind of made me feel like an inmate coming back in from the yard.  Deep down inside, I felt like making a run for it.  In my mind, it didn't matter if the "barbed wire" that is sure to come with a nasty divorce tore me to shreds.  Freedom was just on the other side.  I felt liberated, as well as scared to pieces, for that brief moment. I am a total mess right now...  So much regret...  So much anxiety...  I know I've posted about the possibility of the "Big D" in the past, but right now it seems more like a certainty.  I just can't live like this anymore...  A day of reckoning is coming, soon it seems.  I am praying and hoping that one day she'll "get it" and come around.  I am not holding my breath...
Again, I'm right with you. Also with the burst of articulateness!  I wrote about 50 pages just describing every move of those 10 hours and they remain so very vivid and alive in my mind, even as their emotional power has receded and I don't actually think that Mr. T. is for me. You write well--whatever you decide to do, I think you should put these feelings onto paper, these memories, and then look at them later so that whatever you decide is deliberate. Writing also just lessens the pain because the sense of having described it just right, of once in a while stumbling upon the phrase that expresses the moment, is liberating. Good luck, good luck.
Madame X (detail), John Singer Sargent, 1883–84, oil on canvas, 82 1/8 x 43 1/4 in. (208.6 x 109.9 cm), Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.
life on hold life on hold
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Re: sorely tempted...

In reply to this post by Mr Blue
Whoa, Blue.  Hold on a tic...  I wouldn't say that I am an affair seeker, by any means.  In retrospect, if the opportunity had presented itself, I MIGHT have been tempted to go through with it.  In all likelihood, it wouldn't have happened.  After a lot of thought, I think what was most worrisome for me was the fact that I so eagerly entertained the possibility in my mind.  Well, to be fair, I don't really know what I would have done.

Regardless, I am not seeking an affair.  Opportunities arise.  I entertain thoughts.  I perseverate on them-- going back and forth on the moral implications.  And then there's the whole mess of complicated emotions to sort through...  I'm a professing Christian.  I am not perfect.  Boy, do i know and feel that to be true...  I accept the morals and values that come with my worldview as truth.  This heaps more conflict onto me.  Eeep...  I am battling it out as best I can.  Loneliness  knows no boundaries.

A devil is a devil, I guess.  I was never much good at discerning the lesser of two evils...  Try this saying on for size, "Damned if I do,
damned if I don't."
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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Re: sorely tempted...

My mother says that one too.
life on hold life on hold
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Re: sorely tempted...

She's a wise woman then.  Lol!  Thanks for reading, blue. I hope all is well in you neck of the woods.  Also thanks,  mme. x, for the idea.  I do journal almost every day.  It's part of my fitness routine.  I always end up throwing in my thoughts on how my fitness journey has taken its toll on my marriage.  Sufficed to say, it has not made things easy.  I sense a lot of tension on her part...  Perhaps because she feels that I'm leaving her behind... In all fairness, however, the invite has always been extended. **sigh**  Still waiting for her to get on board...
LiveLifeWell LiveLifeWell
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Re: sorely tempted...

In reply to this post by Mr Blue
As for the Big D, as my mother would say, "Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know."
And sometimes MB, it works out just fine,
Mr Blue Mr Blue
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Re: sorely tempted...

In reply to this post by Mme.X
Alright Mme.X, this has gone on long enough.  The time has come for you to set aside whatever reservations you  have and go out immediately and get yourself a copy of Snow Country.  It is a magnificent novella, which won Kawabata the 1968 Nobel Prize for Literature.  You will love the plot, characters, and haiku-like manner of storytelling.  It is a lyrical novella.  I expect a 3-4 page analysis by the end of the semester.  Class dismissed.
loveinaturtleshell loveinaturtleshell
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Re: sorely tempted...

In reply to this post by life on hold
This sounds like my brother, whose W is very obese.   He has been MIA quite a bit lately, as his W has told me.   Uh oh, but she seems unconcerned about it all.    He confided to me at Christmastime that he was staying married, but maybe love was elsewhere...that is all he said.

He too is on business trips frequently.    I can imagine just such a scenario with him at a hotel.    My SiL is trying to get started in a walking program and has been posting her progress on FB.   I rah rah her hoping she can become more attractive, a better sex partner etc., yet knowing she has a woefully long way to go before she slenders down... Of course, I have an OW spouse, but we still have sex quite often, so no need to cheat.   I just hope my legs keep up their strength!   LIATS